Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'Hangar Talk' started by Don Jones, Mar 8, 2005.

  1. Don Jones

    Don Jones Line Up and Wait

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    Two Norwegian hunters from Minnesota got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose. They bagged six. As they started loading the plane for the return trip, the pilot said the plane could take only four moose. The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six and the pilot let us put them all on board; he had the same plane as yours." Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down a few moments after take-off. Climbing out of the wreck one Norski asked the other, "Any idea where we are?" "Yaaah I tink we's pretty close to where we crashed last year."

    Don :)
     
  2. gkainz

    gkainz Final Approach

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    Oh geeez, not the norwegian jokes again? I got a ton of 'em, don'tcha know?
    Sven was out ice fishing when Ollie pulled up on a snowmobile.
    "Catchin' anyting der, Sven?"
    "Nah, Ollie. Nuttin's bitin'."
    "Whelll, yump on da back a da sled here, an we'll go trollin!"
     
  3. gkainz

    gkainz Final Approach

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    So, Ollie and Sven, dey catch 20 pounds a ice by trollin. Dey bring it on home and poor Helga, she floods da kitchen tryin ta cook it all!
     
  4. Ken Ibold

    Ken Ibold Final Approach

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    Two blondes had gone for a Girls Night Out, but had over-indulged in Baccardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk (blue-blind paralytic drunk, as a favorite pub-tune puts it) and walking home, they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they go behind a headstone. With no toilet paper at hand, one of them took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin it, but was lucky enough to find a large ribbon from a nearby wreath and used it.

    The next day one woman's husband phoned the other husband and said. "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

    "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck to
    her butt that said, 'From all of us at Signature Flight Support. We'll never forget
    you'."
     
  5. citationxjl

    citationxjl Pre-takeoff checklist

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    Oli and Lars were walking down the road and they saw their friend Sven Svenson out in a field rowing a boat. Lars looks at Oli and says "Dont ya tink we should go tell him there isnt any water out there? Oli says...yah...but how do we get out there...we dont have a boat
     
  6. Carol

    Carol Line Up and Wait

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    Three guys were sitting in a bar talking about the greatest inventions of man.

    The first guy said he thought it was the steam engine because of the impact it had had on transportation and industry.

    The second said he thought it was the microprocessor because of the imact on the computer industry and basically all of technology.

    The third was this good ole boy from down around Chesnee. He said he thought the greatest invention was the Thermos bottle. The other two gave him an odd look and one said, "The Thermos bottle?! Why? All it does it keep hot things hot and cold things cold."

    The ole boy said, "Yes, but how do it know?"




    If you are from Chesnee call me and I will explain it. :D
     
  7. gibbons

    gibbons En-Route

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    Two blondes were standing in the wilderness, one on each side of a wide river. The first blonde yells over to the second, "How do I get to the other side of the river?" The second blonde replies, "Don't be silly, you ARE on the other side of the river."
     
  8. fgcason

    fgcason En-Route

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    Two city folk that have never been off pavement in their entire life before went deer hunting. The first thing that happened was they got lost. So being the smart people they are, they decided survival and rescue was a good plan. During their wandering around looking for help, they ran across some tracks on the ground.
    One guy says "Those are deer tracks, if we follow them, it'll lead us to water where the deer drink and rescue will find us in the clearing instead of hunting for us under the trees"
    The other guy says "No, those are bear tracks, if we follow them, it'll take us to the bears den and he will eat us and no one will ever find our bodies."
    First guy says "NO, those are deer tracks."
    Second guy "NO they're bear tracks."
    "Deer tracks"
    "Bear tracks"
    "Deer tracks"
    "Bear tracks"
    "Deer tracks!!"
    "Bear tracks!!"
    "Deer tracks!!"
    "Bear tracks!!"

    You know something, they were still standing there arguing when the train hit them.
     
  9. gkainz

    gkainz Final Approach

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    A blonde in rural Arkansas calls 911 to report her house is on fire. Being an old 911 system, it doesn't report her address.
    The operater asks her "How do we get to your house?"
    The blonde says "Duh! A big red truck?"
     
    Last edited: Mar 8, 2005
  10. gibbons

    gibbons En-Route

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    Where's a moderator when you need one? :D

    Chip
     
  11. Tom-D

    Tom-D Taxi to Parking

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    Two City hunters have an accident and one gets shot.
    911 is called and they rush the injured hunter to the hospital, after a short stay in the emergecy room the Dr on duty comes out and informs the shooter that his buddy has died.

    and adds that if he had not been field dressed, he may have made it.
     
  12. gkainz

    gkainz Final Approach

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    Olie and Sven are out deer hunting and bag a nice buck. After field dressing it, Olie grabs it by the legs and starts dragging.
    Sven says "Vait jus a minute der, Olie. Dey drag a lot easier if you grab da antlers." So Olie and Sven grab the antlers and start dragging the buck.
    Sven says "What did I tell you? He sure drags easier dis way, eh?"
    Olie says "Yah, sure, but we're gettin furder from da truck dis way."
     
  13. gkainz

    gkainz Final Approach

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    The very next day Olie and Lars rent a boat over on Mille Lacs lake and really get into the walleyes. Olie tells Lars to mark the fishing spot so they can come back the next day. Lars says "How can I do that?" Olie says "Yust make an 'X' on da bottom of da boot." Lars says "Nah, we might not get da same boot tomorrow!"
     
  14. Keith Lane

    Keith Lane Pattern Altitude

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    The mating call of the blonde.............


    I'm Soooooo drunk!!!!!


    :blowkiss:
     
  15. Tom-D

    Tom-D Taxi to Parking

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    I don't get it???
     
  16. gkainz

    gkainz Final Approach

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    Hey! I'm blonde! I tried that once and all I got was an empty wallet! :cheerio:
     
  17. Brian Austin

    Brian Austin En-Route

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    Just rec'd this one via e-mail:

    20 Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

    1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

    2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

    3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

    4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "In."

    5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to Espresso.

    6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "For sexual favors".

    7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

    8. Dont use any punctuation

    9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

    10. Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.

    11. Specify that your drive-through order is "To go."

    12 . Sing along at the opera.

    13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

    14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.

    15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

    16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.

    17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won!, I won!"

    18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

    19. Tell your children over dinner,"Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go".

    And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity.......

    20. Send this E-mail to someone to make them smile..Its called therapy...
     
  18. gkainz

    gkainz Final Approach

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    combining ice fishing and blonde...

    A blonde goes out on the ice to fish and begins to cut a hole in the ice. A voice booms out "There are no fish under this ice!". She moves down the ice a little ways and begins to cut another hole in the ice. Again, the voice calls out "There are no fish under this ice!". She moves down the ice again and once again begins cutting a hole in the ice. The voice calls out a third time "There are no fish under this ice!" She looks up, bewildered. "God?" she says. "Is that you?" The voice answers "No! This is the skating rink manager! There are no fish under this ice!"
     
  19. gibbons

    gibbons En-Route

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    Oh, this one I love!

    Chip
     
  20. bstratt

    bstratt Cleared for Takeoff

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    Equal Opportunity Racial Bashing
    *************************

    Sven and Ole go ice fishing and were gone for four days. When they got back home they hadn't caught anything. Sven's wife starts to yell at him about wasting four days when they weren't catching anything. Sven replied "but it took us three days to chop a hole big enough for the boat".

    ******************
    A man goes into a store and asks the clerk for some "Polish Sausage".
    The clerk looked at him and asked "Are you Polish?"

    The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you some things: If I asked you for Italian Sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
    Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?
    Or, if I asked you for a Kosher Hot Dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?
    Or, if I asked you for a Taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican ?
    Would ya, huh? Would ya?"

    The clerk says, "Well no."

    "And if I asked you for some Irish Whiskey, would you ask me if I was Irish?
    What about Canadian Bacon, would you ask me if I was Canadian?"

    "Well, I probably wouldn't,"

    With self-indignation, the guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I asked for Polish Sausage?"

    The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."
    ***************************
    Don't let this keep you awake nights!!!
    >>
    >> 1. Is it good if a vacuum cleaner really sucks?
    >> 2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
    >> 3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?
    >> 4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?
    >> 5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
    >> 6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
    >> 7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
    >> 8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
    >> 9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
    >> 10. Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?
    >> 11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
    >> 12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
    >> 13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
    >> 14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
    >> 15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
    >> 16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?
    >> 17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
    >> 18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
    >> 19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
    >> 20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?
    >> 21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?
    >> 22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
    >> 23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?
    >> 24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
    >> 25. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
    >> 26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
     
  21. Greebo

    Greebo N9017H - C172M (1976)

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    Retired Evil Overlord
    It is. :)

    Kind of like ghoti.
     
  22. n741dm

    n741dm Pre-Flight

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    Don McGilvray
    LOL! I haven't seen that one since junior high school english class back in the '50s...
     
  23. gkainz

    gkainz Final Approach

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    Around here, they have these independent hotdog carts in front of all the Home Depots, and yes, they have Polish Sausages, along with beer-boiled brats and other goodies...smells so good! :cheerio: