That works. I would change that to:
"Departure Cherokee 7291F is files miles east of 8A6 at 2,500 request class bravo clearance at 4,500 direct XXXX"
Drops it all into one quick thing to say. No reason to call them. Have them call you. Call them again. and have them acknowledge. They are perfectly capable of picking it all up in the same call. I also do not bother to say "Minneapolis" or "Charlotte" departure if there is no other departure in the area that you would confuse them with. Usually there isn't.
You are also answering their next two questions which is "what altitude do you want?" and "where are you going?". Of course if the airport you are going to is far away and unknown you might want to just give them a direction instead.
I've never understood people that call up a controller. have the controller acknowledge them, and call up again with the information. If you listen to ATC you'll hear a LOT of people doing it all on the first call. Then you'll eventually here some guy call up and do it that way. It just sounds like a big waste of time.
(except for the "pause". What would happen if the controller forgets to unpause it! 
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