I think my wife has Perimenopause at 48

L

Lonely

Guest
After almost 28 years of marriage, the love of my life hates me. Talk about departure from controlled-flight. Any poor ADM (A$(/*+# Decision Making) on my part was brought up from many years back. Depression, doom, gloom, tired, painful joints, hot flashes, low self- esteem, most starting late this past winter. Then three weeks ago, no interest in cuddling, kissing or "more". No interest in flying anymore. I really miss my "old" wife. For those on here that are 45+ with any tips on getting out of this flat spin I am in, it will be much appreciated. So far, I have cried (not manly I know) and begged for her forgiveness for my poor ADM(much I had forgotten about). I will have as much patience for as long as I can stand it. She is such a wonderful Mother and wife and I do not want to divorce. I know it may be hormones and chemicals that she has no control over, but right now she is in denial. Thanks.
 
Better living thru modern chemistry. She needs to,talk to her OB/GYN.
 
Try some good whisky from Islay. And some good books about aviation. 5-6 short years from now you'll be through it. Or so I've heard... my wife is only 46 and still the coolest person I've ever known. Best of luck.
 
Buy her a pet. Kitty, puppy, bird. Whatever she would like. Or give her a gift of something she always wanted.
 
paflyer said:
Yeah this, she needs to be evaluated.
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Exactly. 48 isn't crazy young, and there's no reason for her or you to be miserable. Send her to the doc. She'll probably come home with hormones in a box, which should make things much better.

My wife is at a similar point, having had a hysterectomy last fall (she's 47, and has a family history of, and marker genes for "girl cancer").
 
Grandkids make them happy. Tell your kids to put their phones down and get busy. :)
 
murphey said:
Better living thru modern chemistry. She needs to,talk to her OB/GYN.
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This. This message is coming from the female who lives here and is a nurse.

And get one of her girlfriends to tell her. This message is from the dude at the keyboard who wants you to keep your testicles.
 
Lonely said:
After almost 28 years of marriage, the love of my life hates me. Talk about departure from controlled-flight. Any poor ADM (A$(/*+# Decision Making) on my part was brought up from many years back. Depression, doom, gloom, tired, painful joints, hot flashes, low self- esteem, most starting late this past winter. Then three weeks ago, no interest in cuddling, kissing or "more". No interest in flying anymore. I really miss my "old" wife. For those on here that are 45+ with any tips on getting out of this flat spin I am in, it will be much appreciated. So far, I have cried (not manly I know) and begged for her forgiveness for my poor ADM(much I had forgotten about). I will have as much patience for as long as I can stand it. She is such a wonderful Mother and wife and I do not want to divorce. I know it may be hormones and chemicals that she has no control over, but right now she is in denial. Thanks.
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Yeah, I don't think a pilots forum is the place to find 'wife advice'. My take is that neither 'hormones in a box' nor a puppy will suddenly turn your wife into what you want her to be.

Both of you should get your physical and mental health evaluated. Also, it doesn't sound like you are doing such a great job communicating about the issues so an unbiased look from someone like a marriage counselor may be beneficial.
 
I agree that you need professional help here.

SWMBO #1 went through this and I tried to tough it out. Didn't work! She left for another man. Ugh, bad times... All better now!

-Skip
 
If this has been going on for more than a few weeks, I would suggest professional marriage counseling. And as Dear Abby always says, if she won't go with you, go alone.
 
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Remember that we have a new rule in Medical Topics. This is not the place to joke around about people who are asking for advice. A number of posts have been deleted.

Effective immediately, all posts in the "Medical Topics" forum must be on point and relevant to the question posed by the OP. Off-topic posts or tangents that are not relevant or constructive to the question asked will be deleted and warnings will be issued to the individuals who make these posts.
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Everskyward said:
Remember that we have a new rule in Medical Topics. This is not the place to joke around about people who are asking for advice. A number of posts have been deleted.
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Sorry. I'll edit my post to only leave the serious part. But sometimes, a little humorous commiseration can be helpful.
 
medical topics, who would have known I always go to recent topics.so I now know were to look before posting. I think I could have been nuked on this one.thanks for the heads up
 
My wife entered this death spiral at about 44. After three months of misery she had full evaluations from her OB/GYN and female hormone specialists, and was prescribed a cocktail of hormones and meds to get her back on track. She continues to be re-evaluated on a regular basis, and our lives went from very unpleasant back to normal again. As Murphey said, "Better living thru modern chemistry."
 
It's a medical problem,don't try to fight it ,get her help. Drugs can be a wonderful thing. If not look forward to many years of misery.
 
Lonely said:
After almost 28 years of marriage, the love of my life hates me. Talk about departure from controlled-flight. Any poor ADM (A$(/*+# Decision Making) on my part was brought up from many years back. Depression, doom, gloom, tired, painful joints, hot flashes, low self- esteem, most starting late this past winter. Then three weeks ago, no interest in cuddling, kissing or "more". No interest in flying anymore. I really miss my "old" wife. For those on here that are 45+ with any tips on getting out of this flat spin I am in, it will be much appreciated. So far, I have cried (not manly I know) and begged for her forgiveness for my poor ADM(much I had forgotten about). I will have as much patience for as long as I can stand it. She is such a wonderful Mother and wife and I do not want to divorce. I know it may be hormones and chemicals that she has no control over, but right now she is in denial. Thanks.
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Only took 12 years for mine to start doing the same stuff. She's a good mother and pretty much leaves me alone to go fly and do the things I want to do so..really can't complain.

After a while she taught me that kissing, cuddling, etc is mostly meaningless. Being treated more like a roommate than a husband for the better part of a decade has made me just a bit cynical about relationships. So, I put my passion and love into things that actually make me happy like flying, volunteering, spending time with my son and education.

You will never change another person unless they WANT to change. Drugs, etc require people to want to take them to mitigate the symptoms. Forcing someone into taking medication is a sure-fire way to get them to resent you and they won't do it forever.

I get where you are coming from, and it IS tough. There are days when I really miss my the first few years of my marriage, but dwelling on the past gets me nowhere. You have to do what makes YOU happy. No, that's not selfish. It took me a while to realize that the only person responsible for my happiness, is me.

Still, remember that the other person may also feel helpless. Never forget the vows you took when you got married. In sickness and in health, etc :). Get an outside opinion, go through some counseling or, if that's all off the table find a way to talk about it. You may not be able to change her feelings now, but you'll feel better for having tried. Regardless, don't let your wife's mood destroy your own happiness.
 
Menopause is part of the normal aging process. Back before the 1800s, few women lived long enough to experience menopause. Childbirth, small pox, war, life span, etc were the reasons. Aint no big deal anymore. It's not a topic for blame or anything else. Most OB/GYNs will prescribe the minimum dose of appropriate drugs, and for as short a time as it makes sense. Regular checkups, no big deal. If you're not happy with the situation, it's your problem, not your wife's.
 
I have been on here a long time and really appreciate all of your advice and experiences.

I only recommended to her once that she may want to see a doctor and will leave it at that. I moved out (300' away) to give her some space, as she requested. It was a vacant 70's model single-wide mobile home on my FIL's property. It has no running water, septic and no central heat/ac. I have to laugh while lying in bed at night listening to the mice chewing on the "food" I put out for them. They are above the ceiling and below the floor thankfully. Been doing a lot of cleaning. I know our plane has better living conditions. This is what we will do for a very special woman in our lives. She knows I am here to support her through all of this. It will be tough for me, but from all that I have read, horrible for her without any meds. Whatever happens in the end, at least I can sleep good at night, knowing I have gave it my best. I am not a quitter, as I know most of you pilots are not either.

Well, it is time to start putting more than 2-3 hrs a month on our plane. Hmmm, SnF?? Take care and I will try to update occassionally.
 
Lonely said:
I have been on here a long time and really appreciate all of your advice and experiences.

I only recommended to her once that she may want to see a doctor and will leave it at that. I moved out (300' away) to give her some space, as she requested.
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It's a tough time. I hope you are able to make it through to the end without more "Extreme Turbulence".

Best wishes.
 
There's a rather wide canyon between spousal abandonment, and the rejection of the notion of "spousal veto power" in life.

Life's a marathon, not a sprint. Many long term caregivers will tell you that the key to successful management of such long-term circumstances is to realize that as mammals, "we all have to come up for air" in order keep burnout at bay. No need to take umbrage to that. A spouse who forbids their caretaker/companion to come up for air, is not doing her vows any honor. Framing the narrative in zero-sum terms is a false dichotomy imo.
 
Has her doctor told her that it's perimenopause? She's the right age for it, but it could still be other things causing this - such as depression.

That she asked you to move out seems pretty extreme to me and, I don't care how dark of a place I am in - I would never force my husband to sleep in conditions such as what you are describing. If this change came on suddenly and she was never anything like this before, then there is probably hope for your marriage. But you need to get out of that disgusting trailer and back into your home - NOW. Don't be passive unless you want this problem to get worse. You say you've only suggested to her that she needs to go to the doctor once, but it's time to really lay it out for her.

Yes, "for better or for worse, sickness and health" etc, but that shouldn't mean sleeping with mice while your spouse either sticks their head in the sand or knows the issue but refuses to address it. Takes two people to keep a marriage together.

Good luck.
 
There is perimenopause and there is spousal abuse.

This doesn't sound like perimenopause.
 
My wife started in her 30's Tried estrogen but didn't like taking hormones. Weaned herself off and after a couple of years things were OK again.
 
ejensen said:
My wife started in her 30's Tried estrogen but didn't like taking hormones. Weaned herself off and after a couple of years things were OK again.
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There are homeopathic remedies that may work. Find a doctor that works with non-traditional methods.
 
Lonely said:
After almost 28 years of marriage, the love of my life hates me. Talk about departure from controlled-flight. Any poor ADM (A$(/*+# Decision Making) on my part was brought up from many years back. Depression, doom, gloom, tired, painful joints, hot flashes, low self- esteem, most starting late this past winter. Then three weeks ago, no interest in cuddling, kissing or "more". No interest in flying anymore. I really miss my "old" wife. For those on here that are 45+ with any tips on getting out of this flat spin I am in, it will be much appreciated. So far, I have cried (not manly I know) and begged for her forgiveness for my poor ADM(much I had forgotten about). I will have as much patience for as long as I can stand it. She is such a wonderful Mother and wife and I do not want to divorce. I know it may be hormones and chemicals that she has no control over, but right now she is in denial. Thanks.
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Wow, I have never seen anyone throw so many flying terms into a conversation about menopause before.
 
denverpilot said:
Sports car salesmen's dream customers.
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I forgot we werent't supposed to joke in medical topics. To be clear, menopause is a biological event, midlife crisis is not.

As for the relationship consequences of menopause, it is similar to childbirth in that regard. Some couples see drastic changes in their relationship from pregnancy, birth and the presence of a newborn. Other couples don't allow those changes to get in between them. I hate that platitude that 'marriage is work', but in this case it is. You can respond to kids, menopause, medical issues or other external stresses by throwing up your hands and lamenting your fate or you can address them, if necessary with professional help. One spouse getting banished from the house and cut off from physical contact is not perimenopause. It is a serious relationship crisis and it won't get better by itself.
 
I hate to be the one to bring this up, but has a doctor diagnosed perimenopause? Perhaps years of repressed anxieties have for some other reason have just bubbled to the surface. Perhaps she finally realized that she just doesn't love you any more. That is why I earlier suggested marriage counseling.

I hope this issue is temporary and resolves itself. When I read stories like this I try to imagine if it were happening to me. It is not a pretty thought. I don't know how I would handle it. But I think I'd rather camp out in a tent that in the conditions you describe.
 
weilke said:
I forgot we werent't supposed to joke in medical topics. To be clear, menopause is a biological event, midlife crisis is not.
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Actually, all sorts of males have hormonal and other problems later in life, it's not really uncommon.

Rapid personality change is always a sign someone needs to be evaluated by a professional. That's the base answer for everything in the thread.

With the number of people trolling the board lately, and the oddball wording into piloting terms of what would normally be something someone would ask a doc or a trusted friend or family member, I suspect we're being trolled again. Have suspected that from the first post, but the "sleeping with mice" post clinched it for me.

If that's a true post, the OP has far greater relationship issues than menopause, and it's been brewing for a while.
 
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