Help needed for accuracy of short story

Jan Hurst-Nicholson

Filing Flight Plan
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Jan Hurst-Nicholson
Hi,
This forum was kind enough to assist me with details for my novel :thumbsup:.
I'd like to make sure I have the details correct for a short story I'm including in an anthology. The story is only 800 words and involves a plane crash. I don't know if that is too long to include in a post. If it is too long, is there anyone who would be prepared to read it through if I emailed it to them?
Thanks in advance.
 
Has your novel been published yet?

I am not an expert by any means, but I would be happy to read your short story, and give my $.02.
 
Post it up for our opinions. I'm sure 800 words isn't too many...if you have to do multiple posts you just have to wait 30 seconds in between each one.
 
500 words is my personal limit. Even then, it better have plenty of pictures in it. :wink2:
 
Common sense tells me that only people who has been involved in actual plane crash must apply :)
 
People post multiple pictures, and each one of those are worth 1,000 words, so, I guess you could post 800 words without a problem.
 
The words "What's it doing that for?" should appear right before the plane hits the mountain.
 
The judges also would have accepted "Say, what's a mountain goat doing way up here in a cloud bank?".
 
The judges also would have accepted "Say, what's a mountain goat doing way up here in a cloud bank?".

far-side-3.jpg
 
Send it to me - I'll read it with glee, and offer constructive adulation.

Sccutler (at) gmail.com
 
800 words is about typical for an explanation about why you can or can not log PIC time in some particular situation.
 
I'm so long winded I probably write 800 words when someone asks me the time. 800 words shouldn't be a problem, bring 'em on.
 
Hi,
This forum was kind enough to assist me with details for my novel :thumbsup:.
I'd like to make sure I have the details correct for a short story I'm including in an anthology. The story is only 800 words and involves a plane crash. I don't know if that is too long to include in a post. If it is too long, is there anyone who would be prepared to read it through if I emailed it to them?
Thanks in advance.

You can email it to me.
 
Thanks for offering to read the short story :D. Please read right to the end before commenting. I would like to know if I have all the technical info correct.


Flypast



As the Spitfire soared into the air Bill wanted to impress his grandson, but would the old man’s nerves hold out?


The wintry sun glinted on the cockpit as Bill nosed the plane onto the runway. His nerves were taught as he fingered the throttle. The familiar markings of the Spitfire brought back many memories. His last flight had been just after the war. He was understandably nervous.
With the engine revving he positioned the aircraft on the tarmac, checking the aileron and rudder in the same pre-flight procedure he’d done many times before. Willing himself to relax he eased the throttle forward and checked the flaps and rudder. As the plane picked up speed and shimmered down the runway his face was rigid with tension.
The tail lifted and he could feel his heart pounding as the plane reached the critical take-off speed and it would be too late to abort.
The carefully rehearsed procedure came flooding back; return rudder and elevator to neutral, give elevator slight up. He held his breath. With engines revved to full pitch the Spitfire pulled up off the ground and soared majestically into the air. Only when it was well clear of the grove of trees bordering the runway did he retract the undercarriage. A thrill of achievement flushed through him as he breathed a sigh of relief.
After gaining sufficient height he banked and wheeled through 180 degrees to return and circle the airfield. Filled with pride he thought of his young grandson who would be watching intently for the plane’s every move. So far, so good.
Relaxing a little he felt his confidence returning as he circled the airfield once more, this time passing low in front of the crowd so his grandson would have a better view as the aircraft roared past.
George had warned him to keep to simple manoeuvres on this first flight, but after a few more circuits he felt confident enough to try something a little more difficult. Can’t have these other chaps showing me up in front of my grandson, he thought.
Breathing deeply to steady his nerves he gripped the column tightly and set the controls for a roll. The plane responded as he knew it would. He’d done the pre-flight check himself, only by a single wrong decision, oversight, or misjudgement could he wreck this beautiful piece of craftsmanship. The plane went into a tight roll; he grinned, imagining the look of excitement on his grandson’s face.
The slight loss of concentration proved to be a fatal mistake. Coming out of the roll he over corrected, causing the plane to go into a tip stall. With rising panic he realized it was going into a flick roll; over it went, once twice, three times, then tail heavy it started down into a slow spiral.
Wrestling desperately with the controls his mind was a whirl of thoughts; uppermost was the frantic realisation that he was going to crash in front of his grandson. Nothing appeared to be responding as the aircraft continued to plummet towards the earth and the tension was tying his stomach in knots.
George had been right, he was paying the price for over confidence. He should have suppressed his excitement and remained cool, relaxed and methodical. Then his instincts took over and he pulled frantically on the elevator in an attempt to bring the plane level. It responded by climbing momentarily, then it dropped and losing speed went into a stall. With the aircraft bucking and dipping crazily he realised there was nothing anyone could do to help. Terrified, he feared he was going to freeze at the controls.
Dry-mouthed, he decided his only option was to prevent the Spitfire from crashing into the spectators. Resisting the urge to close his eyes he worked the rudder feverishly, attempting to head for the trees. The distance between the plane and the ground was narrowing at an alarming rate. He had only a few seconds to release the undercarriage and lower the wheels. As the plane touched down it veered off the runway towards the trees. Now out of control the plane hit a rock, tipped over and flipped onto its back.
The two men raced over to the fallen aircraft, followed by a small boy, his face screwed up in anguish. Even before they reached it they could see the port wing was completely demolished. Nearing the remains, they caught sight of the pilot dangling upside down in his harness. Surveying the wreckage, Bill turned despondently to his companion. “I guess you were right, George, flying these model aeroplanes can be just as tricky as the real thing.”

ends
 
Last edited:
This almost reads like your referring to a dual engine aircraft; control column, critical takeoff speed, engines revved. What you describe reminds me of a Mosquito (twin engine) crash that occurred in the UK back in the 90's. It crashed while doing a roll as well but I believe it was due to engine failure.

Entertaining story so far though. :)
 
This almost reads like your referring to a dual engine aircraft; control column, critical takeoff speed, engines revved. What you describe reminds me of a Mosquito (twin engine) crash that occurred in the UK back in the 90's. It crashed while doing a roll as well but I believe it was due to engine failure.

Entertaining story so far though. :)


That's the whole story - twist in the tale ending. :D
 
Haha. That was funny. The only comment I'll make is in the first paragraph you use the word "taught" which should be spelled "taut" in that context. It's probably a spell-checker ooops.
 
"fingered the throttle" Teehee! :rofl: Anyway, great twist at the end and good writing. Sorry for my immaturity, I couldn't resist pointing out the unintended double entendre.
 
Thanks for offering to read the short story :D. Please read right to the end before commenting. I would like to know if I have all the technical info correct.

The wintry sun glinted on the cockpit as Bill nosed the plane onto the runway. His nerves were taught as he fingered the throttle.
"Taut", not "taught."
With the engine revving he positioned the aircraft on the tarmac, checking the aileron and rudder in the same pre-flight procedure he’d done many times before.
"Revving" implies higher RPM. "Idling" might be a better term.

"Tarmac" in this context is probably not right. You'll probably want to just say, "just short of the runway", implying what we call in US, the run-up area (not sure what the Brits call it). "Tarmac" is merely a type of paving material.

For most pilots, "pre-flight" is done prior to starting the engine (but am not sure of the British usage). Replace with "run-up."

Most full-scale pilots don't visually check the rudder during run-up, because they can't actually see it from the cockpit...and I bet it's a real neck-twister when strapped into in a full-scale Spit. You might change that to, "checked the ailerons and elevator, and flicked the rudder left-right." Even if they can't see the tail, most pilots will wiggle the rudder just to see if the proper resistance is present.

Willing himself to relax he eased the throttle forward and checked the flaps and rudder.
Wrong sequence. He'd check the flaps during run-up, and certainly wouldn't check the rudder once the hammer goes down. Add the flap check to the run-up section (pretty easy check, IIRC, Spitfires had only two positions, up and down).

Spitfires, like all the WWII fighters, had a lot of torque (P-Factor) associated with engine RPM changes. The rudder would be used to compensate for it. I'd change the sentence to something like, "Willing himself to relax, he eased the throttle forward, carefully using the rudder to keep the airplane pointed straight down the runway."

As the plane picked up speed and shimmered down the runway his face was rigid with tension.
The tail lifted and he could feel his heart pounding as the plane reached the critical take-off speed and it would be too late to abort.
The tail would not lift, the PILOT would lift the tail. Also, this isn't a 747; unless he's flying from a very short strip, there'd probably be plenty of room to abort. You want to establish personal tension, and a better approach for this sentence might be...

"He lifted the tail, easing the rudder as the nose started hunting left. His heart pounded as the Spitfire accelerated. Soon it'd be at takeoff speed--and he'd be committed.


The carefully rehearsed procedure came flooding back; return rudder and elevator to neutral, give elevator slight up.
He'd be continually working the rudder to keep running straight; there'd be no "returning to neutral" except by coincidence. It's all by instinct, by this point. I've flown RCs, and reaction at this point is by instinct as well. There's no "carefully rehearsed procedure" in either because you're reacting to what the aircraft does.
He held his breath. With engines revved to full pitch the Spitfire pulled up off the ground and soared majestically into the air.
As Velocity pointed out, you've got a single-engine aircraft. Also, pilots don't refer to engines "revved to full pitch," the term "pitch" refers to the propeller adjustment, which I suspect is fixed on the vast number of RC aircraft.

I'd change this section to something like:

"Takeoff speed. He eased back on the stick, his left hand unconsciously verifying the throttle was full. The wheels skipped, once, twice, and then the camouflaged aircraft soared majestically skyward."


Only when it was well clear of the grove of trees bordering the runway did he retract the undercarriage. A thrill of achievement flushed through him as he breathed a sigh of relief.
After gaining sufficient height he banked and wheeled through 180 degrees to return and circle the airfield.
"Wheeled" is not a common term used in aviation. I'd just change this to, "After gaining sufficient height, he eased the left wing down for a turn onto the crosswind leg, followed a moment later by then another 90 degree turn to the downwind leg of the circuit."
Breathing deeply to steady his nerves he gripped the column tightly and set the controls for a roll.
Pilots don't "set our controls" for a maneuver. I'd just change this to "...gripped the column tightly and pushed it left to start a roll."

BTW, you're not quite playing fair, here. The full-scale Spitfire has a control column, but I've never heard the term used for an RC control. Better approach would be to just say, "...gripped the stick tightly, and pushed it left to start a roll."
The plane responded as he knew it would. He’d done the pre-flight check himself, only by a single wrong decision, oversight, or misjudgement could he wreck this beautiful piece of craftsmanship. The plane went into a tight roll; he grinned, imagining the look of excitement on his grandson’s face.
"Pre-Flight" wouldn't have had much to do with it; the pre-flight inspection finds anything obvious or gross. If you wanted to make a reference to actions made while building the airplane, that'd be more correct, but it would ruin the effect you're looking for. I'd delete the first part of that sentence, and start it with "A single wrong decision...."

Stating that "The plane went into a tight roll" establishes a bit of emotional distance that robs from the first person effect I think you're going for. If the plane does something the pilot commands, they usually state that "I did it..." or "We did it..."

I'd make this a bit more ambiguous; change "The plane went into a tight roll," to "Camouflaged wings flashed as the Spitfire rolled."
The slight loss of concentration proved to be a fatal mistake. Coming out of the roll he over corrected, causing the plane to go into a tip stall. With rising panic he realized it was going into a flick roll; over it went, once twice, three times, then tail heavy it started down into a slow spiral.
I'd have to leave it to the aerodynamicists/aerobatic pilots here, but this doesn't ring true. Among other things, it wouldn't suddenly become "tail heavy." For another, "tip stall" appears to be mostly an RC term... again, giving away what you may still be wanting to hide.

Like many things with writing, you'd probably be better if you just simplified this. Have the speed of the roll surprise him and his subsequent problems occurring just to overcorrection. Easy enough to end up going down in a hurry.
Wrestling desperately with the controls his mind was a whirl of thoughts; uppermost was the frantic realisation that he was going to crash in front of his grandson. Nothing appeared to be responding as the aircraft continued to plummet towards the earth and the tension was tying his stomach in knots.
George had been right, he was paying the price for over confidence. He should have suppressed his excitement and remained cool, relaxed and methodical. Then his instincts took over and he pulled frantically on the elevator in an attempt to bring the plane level. It responded by climbing momentarily, then it dropped and losing speed went into a stall. With the aircraft bucking and dipping crazily he realised there was nothing anyone could do to help. Terrified, he feared he was going to freeze at the controls.
Dry-mouthed, he decided his only option was to prevent the Spitfire from crashing into the spectators. Resisting the urge to close his eyes he worked the rudder feverishly, attempting to head for the trees. The distance between the plane and the ground was narrowing at an alarming rate. He had only a few seconds to release the undercarriage and lower the wheels. As the plane touched down it veered off the runway towards the trees. Now out of control the plane hit a rock, tipped over and flipped onto its back.
Again, you may want to make this just a simple case of overcontrol. Have the pilot finally catch the airplane into level flight, but pull up too hard for a high-speed stall. It can spin out of that, he can recover, and discover to his horror that he's headed for the crowd.

Also, the rudder isn't normally used to set direction, so he wouldn't use the rudder (alone) in trying to avoid the crowd. He'd take a steep bank and try to turn away.

In this situation, too, pilot's instincts are to shy away from the ground. If he's got any sort of control, he's going to try to go for altitude to give him more time to get the plane under control, not desperately try to lower the gear and land.

I'd have him successfully turn away from the crowd and manage to get the plane mostly levels out as it hits.
The two men raced over to the fallen aircraft, followed by a small boy, his face screwed up in anguish. Even before they reached it they could see the port wing was completely demolished. Nearing the remains, they caught sight of the pilot dangling upside down in his harness. Surveying the wreckage, Bill turned despondently to his companion. “I guess you were right, George, flying these model aeroplanes can be just as tricky as the real thing.”
Serves the [XXXX] right. :)

Ron Wanttaja
 
Haha. That was funny. The only comment I'll make is in the first paragraph you use the word "taught" which should be spelled "taut" in that context. It's probably a spell-checker ooops.

Good catch. I missed that one :redface:
 
@Ron Wanttaja,

Thank you SO much :D. This is exactly what I was looking for. I'll make the changes as you suggested. The story is part of an anthology I'm putting together to e-publish in January.
 
I enjoyed the story and was being drawn in ,just like you wanted. I was relieved to get to the end and understand a valuable WWII relic was not destroyed.

Great constructive critique from Ron W. Throw in his suggestions an lets read it again!
 
As promised, the edited version of Flypast, with many thanks to Ron.

Flypast

As the Spitfire soared into the air Bill wanted to impress his grandson, but would the old man’s nerves hold out?

The wintry sun glinted on the cockpit as Bill nosed the plane towards the runway. His nerves were taut as he adjusted the throttle. The familiar markings of the Spitfire brought back many memories. His last flight had been just after the war. He was understandably nervous.
With the engine idling he positioned the aircraft just short of the runway, checking the ailerons and elevator and flicking the rudder left-right in the same run-up procedure he’d done so many times in the past. Willing himself to relax he eased the throttle forward and pointed the plane straight down the airstrip. As it picked up speed and shimmered down the runway his face was rigid with tension.
He lifted the tail, easing the rudder as the nose started hunting left. His heart pounded as the Spitfire accelerated. Soon it would be at take-off speed – and he’d be committed.
Remembering the importance of keeping calm, he worked the rudder to keep the plane on a straight line as it rapidly picked up pace.
Takeoff speed. He eased back on the stick, his left-hand unconsciously verifying the throttle was full. The wheels skipped, once, twice, and then the camouflaged aircraft soared majestically skyward. Only when it was well clear of the grove of trees bordering the runway did he retract the undercarriage. A thrill of achievement flushed through him as he breathed a sigh of relief.
After gaining sufficient height, he eased the left wing down for a turn onto the crosswind leg, followed a moment later by another 90 degree turn to the downwind leg of the circuit. Filled with pride he thought of his young grandson who would be watching intently for the plane’s every move. So far, so good.
Relaxing a little he felt his confidence returning as he circled the airfield once more, this time passing low in front of the crowd so his grandson would have a better view as the aircraft roared past.
George had warned him to keep to simple manoeuvres on this first flight, but after a few more circuits he felt confident enough to try something a little more difficult. Can’t have these other chaps showing me up in front of my grandson, he thought.
Breathing deeply to steady his nerves he gripped the stick tightly and pushed it left to start a roll. The plane responded as he knew it would. Only by a single wrong decision, oversight, or misjudgement could he wreck this beautiful piece of craftsmanship. Camouflaged wings flashed as the Spitfire rolled. He grinned, imagining the look of excitement on his grandson’s face.
But that slight loss of concentration proved to be a fatal mistake. The speed of the roll surprised him and he over-corrected. With rising panic he realized the plane was going into a diving spiral.
Wrestling desperately with the controls his mind was a whirl of thoughts; uppermost was the frantic realisation that he might crash in front of his grandson. Nothing appeared to be responding as the aircraft continued to plummet towards the earth. The tension was tying his stomach in knots. George had been right, he was paying the price for over confidence. He should have suppressed his excitement and remained cool, relaxed and methodical. Then his instincts took over. He adjusted the controls and finally managed to bring the wings level. But he now realised to his horror that it was diving at the spectators.
Terrified he was going to freeze at the controls, he had only seconds to make a decision. If he could gain altitude it would give him time to get the plane under control, but he had to avoid the spectators. Resisting the urge to close his eyes he pulled into a steep bank to turn away from the crowd. To his relief it worked and the Spitfire responded and headed in a new direction. But the distance between the plane and the ground was narrowing at an alarming rate - and it was going in nose first. He pulled back hard on the controls, and with seconds to spare the plane started to level out. But he ran out of altitude. With the undercarriage still tucked up tight inside the wings the plane touched down on its belly, bounced, slammed down again, skidded, then hit a rock and flipped onto its back.
The two men raced over to the fallen aircraft, followed by a small boy, his face screwed up in anguish. Even before they reached it they could see the port wing was completely demolished.
Surveying the wreckage, Bill turned despondently to his companion. “I guess you were right, George. Flying these model aeroplanes can be just as tricky as the real thing.”

ends​
 
There's some spelling and other errors that will stick out to some pilots but, for the masses it's fine as is. Well Done and funny.
 
There's some spelling and other errors that will stick out to some pilots but, for the masses it's fine as is. Well Done and funny.
Are those spelling errors or is the author using British English to add to the atmosphere?
 
I believe the Merlin in the Spit like other British (and other Euro engines) rotate "anticlockwise" as seen from the cockpit. This means the nose would "hunt right" instead of left. Minor detail not worth changing. If you want minimize nit picking, I would just say "started swinging" rather than "hunting left" (or right):D

Very well written story even without all our comments. ;)

Cheers
 
Are those spelling errors or is the author using British English to add to the atmosphere?
The author is using British English 'cause she's from a Commonwealth country.

Cheerio, Lads....

Ron Wanttaja
 
I read this the first time and was thinking of the recent fatalities during a fly- by of aerobatic type aircraft at a nearby fly-in. Pilots naturally want to put on a good show and sometimes things don't turn out well. This story was making me remember some of the silly things I have done in the past for the sake of the show and how badly it can turn out. It has merit with any pilot who thinks about the show. :thumbsup:
 
I have to admit I got sucked in to reading it and felt I was there in the cockpit, and the ending took me completely by surprise. Even though a British engine might induce a right-turning tendency on takeoff, it didn't spoil my enjoyment of the story.
 
Many thanks for all the replies and useful comments :).
I now feel confident in publishing it knowing there are unlikely to be one-star reviewers complaining that 'the author doesn't know anything about flying.':lol:
 
Many thanks for all the replies and useful comments :).
I now feel confident in publishing it knowing there are unlikely to be one-star reviewers complaining that 'the author doesn't know anything about flying.':lol:
Think again! You need to hang with pilots more often, each one of us has a strong poinion , and only one of them is right , MINE.
 
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