1. The 3G iPhone has a light monitor to tell you when it’s light and when it’s dark. This amazing technology saves you from having to use your optical nerve and check light levels yourself.
2. The 3G iPhone has Bluetooth, so that when you need to make a call you can use a Bluetooth headset instead of the phone itself. Bluetooth is an amazing technology and I’m really surprised that it’s not included on more phones. (Please note: On this particular item I’m using a literary technique called sarcasm; Bluetooth is today a standard feature on even the most basic phones.)
3. The 3G iPhone has a calculator built into it. Calculators are pretty neat.
4. The 3G iPhone runs on HSDPA networks, which means that you can download a 3 terabyte attachment in 0.5 milliseconds while driving 1,000 miles per hour inside a subway tunnel buried 1 mile below the Earth’s surface.
5. The 3G iPhone can play videos from YouTube. (A bunch of other phones can do this also, thanks to YouTube’s
well-built WAP site, but don’t tell Mr. “Phone that changed phones forever” Jobs that.)
6. The 3G iPhone supports GPS. This feature allows the National Security Agency to track your every move, and also watch you while you pee.
7. The 3G iPhone contains an accelerometer. An accelerometer is an amazing piece of technology that allows you to fly and read other people’s minds. However, it makes you very susceptible to red Kryptonite.
8. The 3G iPhone comes in an amazing two colors. Can you #$%#$%ing believe it?!?!?!? I mean, holy $%^$, not only does it come in black but you can also buy a white version! Fantastic.
