17 years ago today (sad story)

[SkyHog]

17 years ago today, my sister passed away from complications related to asthma. She was also a heavy smoker, which didn't help. The doctors actually pretty much killed her in about 3 or 4 different ways, and we're really not sure how so much went wrong. I was at my parents' house today and my mother and I started talking about it. Was rough.

While in the middle of the story, someone rings the doorbell. It was my sister's ex-boyfriend from back in the day. He had somehow found my mother and wanted to talk to her. I excused myself and let them have a good old fashioned cry-off.

One of the things that contributed to the death of my sister was that she was intubated improperly, and there were severe complications that arose from this. She was also given an IV and developed an embolism which blocked in her heart, and somehow, I'm not sure of the details, she wound up with brain bleed (it was related to the air introduced to her system, but I have no clue how). The hospital was under the impression that she was a vagrant, and I suspect her treatment may have been related.

My sister was on an order from other doctors to never be intubated, for a reason I cannot remember. Her ex-boyfriend was told they needed to intubate, and not knowing, he gave the okay. Since the hospital was unaware that she had family, they took his word and proceeded to intubate, which started the whole drama.

Apparently, when she died, he never forgave himself. My parents flipped when they went to the hospital because she was intubated, and he thought he had given the doctors permission to kill her. He's spent the last 17 years of his life in serious mental anguish over this.

My mother explained everything else that happened, and relaxed him by saying that she held no bad feelings towards him. He acted with the only knowledge he had, which was that she needed to be intubated. As he left today, he said that he had finally ditched more weight and baggage than he has ever let go of before, and can finally look in the mirror.

17 years. I cannot imagine how it feels to have guilt like that for that long. He's been afraid to talk to my family because he thought we held her death as being his fault. He's a middle aged man now, and he lost the most important years of his life to depression and mental issues.

I had a hard time getting over her, but I had the privilege of being able to move forward with my life the way I knew she would have wanted. I just can't imagine what his last 17 years was like.

In case anyone asks or is curious, no, my family never sued the hospital because they did not want to live through the process over and over in a courtroom and they did not want blood money. They felt it was important to just move on with their life. My mother went a bit looney for a few years afterward (which is what her book is about), but she's moved on now, and only really reminisces about it with me on this day every year. There was a lot of concern when we learned that the only children's oncology center in Albuquerque (maybe even New Mexico) was at UNM Hospital, where all of this mess happened. They've gotten a lot better apparently, because they took very good care of my niece when she was diagnosed with Leukemia.

This is just a vent, I was wondering if anyone could put into perspective for me what its like to lose 17 years of your life for something that was not your fault in the first place? Its like going to jail for a crime you never committed. Unbelievable.

 

[KennyFlys]

That's a tough load to carry. Probably the closest I can relate to it is wishing I had stayed home rather than go into the Navy. Thinking I could have gone to college for a year or two, I would have been there during my dad's last couple years. He died while I was active duty but had been assigned to the local recruiting district under humanitarian orders.

Although I was there when he died it never really hit me until I came home over two years later. I missed out on learning a lot from my dad as well as having more time with him. A lot of it was selfish on my part but the funny thing is that selfishness grew as I got older. As time went on, I realized how much more I could have learned from him had I given him the chance. I learned to appreciate him far too late in life.

Losing my dad did't put my life on hold but I now believe I could have been more had I learned from his years of wisdom.

 

[Frank Browne]

My mother explained everything else that happened, and relaxed him by saying that she held no bad feelings towards him. He acted with the only knowledge he had, which was that she needed to be intubated. As he left today, he said that he had finally ditched more weight and baggage than he has ever let go of before, and can finally look in the mirror.

That says a lot about the kind of person your mother is Nick.

Well, I've not carried any guilt for anything I wasn't responsible for or contributed to as in your story, but unfortunately I have carried terrible guilt over something that I did do when I was much younger. I'm not going to share it publicly, but it haunts me to this day, and I have shed many a tear over it. I think about the event often, and I still wonder if I'll ever be able to forgive myself for it.

 

[kevin47881]

I can't imagine living with that type of anguish for all those years.

And my prayers go out to you and your family Nick.

 

[AuntPeggy]

Yes. My brother held me responsible for his mental health issues. He phoned me to say he was committing suicide, then he did.

 

[Dart]

My. What a story.

I admit to regrets but, I can't imagine such heart consuming guilt.

 

[flyersfan31]

Wow. Tough story, Nick. Your mom sounds like a strong woman.

 

[etsisk]

Peggy, I hope you've known - and for a long while now - that his mental health issues were his own and no-one else's, especially yours. People say a lot of things, but that hardly makes them true.

 

[KennyFlys]

People say a lot of things, but that hardly makes them true.

So very true.