Dr. O
Pattern Altitude
Went to vote this morning and discovered I am waaay too dumb to be allowed to vote...
Walked in a few minutes after 7 AM (#2 voter for the day), filled out the request for a ballot and handed it to the lady..
"ID, please." she said with a smile...
So I hand her an Airman's Certificate... The smile slips, but she is still sounding pleasant...
"If there is no photo I will need two other pieces of identification."
I shrug and dig out two more... A CCW permit and a Federal Controlled Substances license...
"Guns are not allowed in the precinct." The tone is frosty...
"Umm, that is a piece of paper, not a gun, maam." My tone is meek and humble...
By now the supervisor has drifted over... "I will NEED to see a Michigan drivers license or an approved Michigan State ID with a photo." she says sternly... Apparently 3 pieces of federal licensure is not enough...
I shrug again and dig out my driver's license, which is inside of a state issued jacket that blocks RFID machines from reading it and hand it to her.. She drops it out of her fingers like it is hot...
"Y O U must remove it from the jacket and swipe it through the reader." she snaps, pointing to a tiny gadget on the cluttered desk I had not noticed...
"But, I thought you wanted to see it." She just glares... I'm having a wonderful time...
I swipe... The three of them bend over the laptop intently staring at the screen...
After a solid ten seconds I say, "Gee is your laptop crashed.. I know a bit about computers if you need help." and I start around the desk...
"Stay there." she snaps, pointing one imperious finger while not even looking up... Finally she mutters,"I guess he qualifies." and she stomps away...
So I get a ballot and drift over to the booth.. Then I go to the checkout table where they take the page 2 of the triplicate form I signed out of the little plastic pocket on the cover of the folder... Then the next person tears the numbered strip off the top of the protruding ballot.. "Slide this end of it into the machine and it will pull it out of the jacket".
I do, the machine beeps loudly and spits the ballot back at me...
There is dead silence in the precinct and all eyes are on me...
"Spoiled ballot" he rumbles. "You can only vote for one party candidates.".. "Take it back to the first table and get a new one."
So, I do the walk of shame back to the first table and hand the folder back to the lady, whereupon she whips out my ballot and they all start examining it... This brings the supervisor on the run... "No, no, no" she screeches grabbing the ballot out of their hands.".. She folds the ballot up and sticks it onto an OFFICIAL spoiled ballot pouch with SPOILED in large red letters across the front... "Getting their heads together they all stare at the laptop again... "See here" she days... "38 is his precinct registered voter number and that goes HERE and 2 is his voter number for the day and that goes THERE or the computer will reject the ballot"..
"Ohhh." go all the heads in unison...
Then she looks at me and says, "Michigan has a closed party primary. You MUST vote only for candidates of one party."
"Gee, some of the offices don't have any candidates on the left side so I did those on the right side."
"You can't do that." she says in the tone you use for lecturing a bad child...
I get a new ballot...
After I come out of the booth a second time I wave the ballot at them, "Are my votes OK with everyone?" They all look the other way...
I say to the guy who tears the strips off, "Don't I even get a hanging chad for all my effort here?" He just shakes his head and looks glum...
So there it is - I am officially a spoiled ballot... And I am not trustworthy enough to vote in a state election using federal ID documents... And I violated the closed primary law...
But, hey - my dog still was happy to see me
Walked in a few minutes after 7 AM (#2 voter for the day), filled out the request for a ballot and handed it to the lady..
"ID, please." she said with a smile...
So I hand her an Airman's Certificate... The smile slips, but she is still sounding pleasant...
"If there is no photo I will need two other pieces of identification."
I shrug and dig out two more... A CCW permit and a Federal Controlled Substances license...
"Guns are not allowed in the precinct." The tone is frosty...
"Umm, that is a piece of paper, not a gun, maam." My tone is meek and humble...
By now the supervisor has drifted over... "I will NEED to see a Michigan drivers license or an approved Michigan State ID with a photo." she says sternly... Apparently 3 pieces of federal licensure is not enough...
I shrug again and dig out my driver's license, which is inside of a state issued jacket that blocks RFID machines from reading it and hand it to her.. She drops it out of her fingers like it is hot...
"Y O U must remove it from the jacket and swipe it through the reader." she snaps, pointing to a tiny gadget on the cluttered desk I had not noticed...
"But, I thought you wanted to see it." She just glares... I'm having a wonderful time...
I swipe... The three of them bend over the laptop intently staring at the screen...
After a solid ten seconds I say, "Gee is your laptop crashed.. I know a bit about computers if you need help." and I start around the desk...
"Stay there." she snaps, pointing one imperious finger while not even looking up... Finally she mutters,"I guess he qualifies." and she stomps away...
So I get a ballot and drift over to the booth.. Then I go to the checkout table where they take the page 2 of the triplicate form I signed out of the little plastic pocket on the cover of the folder... Then the next person tears the numbered strip off the top of the protruding ballot.. "Slide this end of it into the machine and it will pull it out of the jacket".
I do, the machine beeps loudly and spits the ballot back at me...
There is dead silence in the precinct and all eyes are on me...
"Spoiled ballot" he rumbles. "You can only vote for one party candidates.".. "Take it back to the first table and get a new one."
So, I do the walk of shame back to the first table and hand the folder back to the lady, whereupon she whips out my ballot and they all start examining it... This brings the supervisor on the run... "No, no, no" she screeches grabbing the ballot out of their hands.".. She folds the ballot up and sticks it onto an OFFICIAL spoiled ballot pouch with SPOILED in large red letters across the front... "Getting their heads together they all stare at the laptop again... "See here" she days... "38 is his precinct registered voter number and that goes HERE and 2 is his voter number for the day and that goes THERE or the computer will reject the ballot"..
"Ohhh." go all the heads in unison...
Then she looks at me and says, "Michigan has a closed party primary. You MUST vote only for candidates of one party."
"Gee, some of the offices don't have any candidates on the left side so I did those on the right side."
"You can't do that." she says in the tone you use for lecturing a bad child...
I get a new ballot...
After I come out of the booth a second time I wave the ballot at them, "Are my votes OK with everyone?" They all look the other way...
I say to the guy who tears the strips off, "Don't I even get a hanging chad for all my effort here?" He just shakes his head and looks glum...
So there it is - I am officially a spoiled ballot... And I am not trustworthy enough to vote in a state election using federal ID documents... And I violated the closed primary law...
But, hey - my dog still was happy to see me