Deferring Marriage and a Family to fly professionally

jordane93 said:
Most of the trips I bid for are double red eyes down to South America so day 1 I can put my daughter to bed and day 4, I can see her wake up (then promptly pass out for a few hours:)).
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I do a similar thing - leave late on Sunday after everyone is in bed, then either come home midday Tuesday if I want to do the Europe stuff, or first thing Wednesday if I want to do SA or the longer stuff out east. Do that three times per month (or four if all Europe) and call it good. To @MauleSkinner 's point, that's not going to work for everyone, but for us, it's a good tradeoff for being home all the time otherwise. And like you said, it really helps to have a wife that understands the lifestyle, and can manage everything while you're gone. I don't know about you, but the only time anything goes wrong at home is when I'm thousands of miles away. :p

I've tried to do the short call thing to be home *all* the time, but I just can't get comfortable on reserve, and I find that my daughter does better when I have a predictable schedule. And maybe this makes me a terrible person, but I find that it helps me to get out of the house from time to time. Much respect to stay-at-home parents!
 
Aspiringpilot1 said:
She's been working a very low income job ($36k annually) and while she has tried to apply for other jobs, she doesn't seem to be terribly motivated to find better, basically where if someone comes knocking on her door, she'll answer it.
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It sounds as if she has her next career move planned already, you may just be a little slow to see it.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. There is still to this day, something to be said for one parent working while the other stays home and raises kids - or in more common cases, limits their career aspirations to those jobs that won't interfere (much) with raising kids. "Mom" is still a valid career choice, as long as Dad is willing and able to pick up the slack and earn enough for the entire family.

Here's where I'm having difficulty. If you're asking these questions, then I ask you - do you love this woman enough to marry her, and stay married for the rest of your lives? If you do, then everything else becomes a distant second place concern. I had some career dreams when I was young and single too, and they underwent a radical change -- by my own choice -- when those dreams would have conflicted with being married and raising kids. If you don't, then you're wasting your time and hers.
 
kayoh190 said:
I do a similar thing - leave late on Sunday after everyone is in bed, then either come home midday Tuesday if I want to do the Europe stuff, or first thing Wednesday if I want to do SA or the longer stuff out east. Do that three times per month (or four if all Europe) and call it good. To @MauleSkinner 's point, that's not going to work for everyone, but for us, it's a good tradeoff for being home all the time otherwise. And like you said, it really helps to have a wife that understands the lifestyle, and can manage everything while you're gone. I don't know about you, but the only time anything goes wrong at home is when I'm thousands of miles away. :p

I've tried to do the short call thing to be home *all* the time, but I just can't get comfortable on reserve, and I find that my daughter does better when I have a predictable schedule. And maybe this makes me a terrible person, but I find that it helps me to get out of the house from time to time. Much respect to stay-at-home parents!
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I took 4 months off when my daughter was born. My first trip back was glorious. Got a full night of interrupted sleep. She’ll be 8 months old next week and just started sleeping through the night. My wife is a trooper lol
 
Aspiringpilot1 said:
She is however, along with her family, beginning to put the heat on for engagement and marriage. I am mature enough to understand, that once engagement and marriage occurs, life suddenly starts getting in the way and things that were once a priority, seem to shift until those priorities are in the rearview mirror. She said earlier on in our relationship that she wanted to have children rather soon after getting married as her biological clock is ticking,
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DaleB said:
It sounds as if she has her next career move planned already, you may just be a little slow to see it.
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I don't know you or the situation, so I'll be blunt. A friend of mine met a girl and her mother like this. They knew he would be making a lot of money in his dad's business, and with his grandfathers money that will be left to him in a will. So they really pressured him into marrying. She was still in high school. Immediately after the wedding the MIL started pushing him to have kids. I mean threatening him, telling him she will take his wife away from him if he doesn't start producing little pay checks, I mean kids. One day he overheard his wife and MIL talking about how they will get 2 kids from him and then initiate the divorce so she can get steady monthly pay checks, I mean child support from him for 18 years, plus half of his grandfathers inheritance. (high 6 figures) They did not have kids or any real property, but she got a $450,000 settlement in the divorce. Gold diggers all the way.

I met girls in college that stated they would not marry anyone making less than 100K/yr. This was back when 20K/yr was good starting pay for a recent college graduate.

I went to flight school with another student that was newly married. He came in one day and removed himself from the school. He said his wife told him to get a high paying job or get out.

So when I hear someone is trying to push someone into getting married, the warning flags fly.

I may be totally wrong, and I hope I am but I just needed to get this out there.

Myself, I got married at age 51. The last 13.9 years has been the happiest of my life. Even more so than my first solo flight. My wife keeps telling me we should have gotten married 20 years earlier. I agree with her, I wish we had married earlier, maybe not 20 years because then she would have only been 15...
 
I am 33 and becoming an airline pilot. I have pretty much accepted that marriage and kids will not be a part of my life. It is what it is.
 
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Princesspilot206 said:
I am 33 and becoming an airline pilot. I have pretty much accepted that marriage and kids will not be apart of my life. It is what it is.
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Be careful. I accepted that marriage and kids wasn't going to be a part of my life, so I started on the path to become an airline pilot and joined here...and now marriage and family are very much in my present and future!

Half Fast said:
Yeah, @SkyChaser once thought that way.....
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Beat me to it. :biggrin:
 
SkyChaser said:
Be careful. I accepted that marriage and kids wasn't going to be a part of my life, so I started on the path to become an airline pilot and joined here...and now marriage and family are very much in my present and future!
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So it’s not APART of your life, either? ;)
 
Travel-heavy careers do not present an impenetrable wall to marriage and parenting. For the first half of my .mil career, I was gone (for a week to six-to-nine months) at a time. During that time, I married someone I met and was a parent to two now-grown kids. We’re still married two+ decades later and both kids are successful in their own marriages and careers. My wife worked during some of this time and stayed at home as well.

What it takes is strong commitment, communication, expectations management, shared visions, and understanding there’s time when both parents are around, but one is a ‘leading’ parent and the other is a ‘supporting’ parent. Both to the kids and to each other.
 
jordane93 said:
I took 4 months off when my daughter was born. My first trip back was glorious. Got a full night of interrupted sleep. She’ll be 8 months old next week and just started sleeping through the night. My wife is a trooper lol
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My daughter was coming up on 6 months old when I finally went back to work, and I had to sit reserve on the 737 over the winter. For some reason I kept getting tagged to do our two day Cabo - one leg there, long overnight, one leg home. Great trip and I loved it, but my poor wife - I'm sitting at a beach resort while she's home with a 6 month old. She'd call me to say hi and ask how I'm doing:

"Oh I'm fine. Not much going on. Missing you both."

Meanwhile my FO in the background, several margaritas deep: "Hi Mrs. Kayoh!!!! Wooooooooooooo!!!"

:p
 
jordane93 said:
I took 4 months off when my daughter was born. My first trip back was glorious. Got a full night of interrupted sleep. She’ll be 8 months old next week and just started sleeping through the night. My wife is a trooper lol
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kayoh190 said:
My daughter was coming up on 6 months old when I finally went back to work, and I had to sit reserve on the 737 over the winter. For some reason I kept getting tagged to do our two day Cabo - one leg there, long overnight, one leg home. Great trip and I loved it, but my poor wife - I'm sitting at a beach resort while she's home with a 6 month old. She'd call me to say hi and ask how I'm doing:

"Oh I'm fine. Not much going on. Missing you both."

Meanwhile my FO in the background, several margaritas deep: "Hi Mrs. Kayoh!!!! Wooooooooooooo!!!"

:p
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Y’all got buddy passes…send the ladies out of town and DIY. They’ll appreciate it. YOLO.
 
Aspiringpilot1 said:
She is however, along with her family, beginning to put the heat on for engagement and marriage.

Anyway, she's a good girl, but there are some things that I'm not sure about. She's been working a very low income job ($36k annually) and while she has tried to apply for other jobs, she doesn't seem to be terribly motivated to find better, basically where if someone comes knocking on her door, she'll answer it. This kind of bugs me, and in my opinion, she needs to be working on certifications or applying for jobs or going back to school or doing something to advance herself professionally. Ultimately, I am not sure how that lifestyle will work with her long term, even though she says it'll be fine. I understand that sacrifices have to be made living the lifestyle of a professional pilot. Im curious how many of you deferred getting married and having a family to fly? Honestly, I'm just not sure that I'm ready to be tied down right now, and if she's unwilling to wait, then maybe she just isnt the right one...?
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Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
Bee-doh! Bee-doh! Bee-doh! Bee-doh! Bee-doh! Bee-doh!

Those are warning sirens if you didn't pick up on that.
 
EdFred said:
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
Bee-doh! Bee-doh! Bee-doh! Bee-doh! Bee-doh! Bee-doh!

Those are warning sirens if you didn't pick up on that.
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In traditional thinking that just means she doesn’t want to be used and drug along. It’s only fair to her to fish or cut bait.
 
SkyChaser said:
Be careful. I accepted that marriage and kids wasn't going to be a part of my life, so I started on the path to become an airline pilot and joined here...and now marriage and family are very much in my present and future!


Beat me to it. :biggrin:
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You also have options. You already have your PP ticket, and a professional pilot clock doesn't tick like a motherhood clock. If you choose, you can pick up instrument and commercial at your leisure and fly professionally years from now.
 
kayoh190 said:
My daughter was coming up on 6 months old when I finally went back to work, and I had to sit reserve on the 737 over the winter. For some reason I kept getting tagged to do our two day Cabo - one leg there, long overnight, one leg home. Great trip and I loved it, but my poor wife - I'm sitting at a beach resort while she's home with a 6 month old. She'd call me to say hi and ask how I'm doing:

"Oh I'm fine. Not much going on. Missing you both."

Meanwhile my FO in the background, several margaritas deep: "Hi Mrs. Kayoh!!!! Wooooooooooooo!!!"

:p
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I don’t even tell her where I’m going anymore. I just let her know when I leave:lol:
 
EdFred said:
Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! Whoop!
Bee-doh! Bee-doh! Bee-doh! Bee-doh! Bee-doh! Bee-doh!

Those are warning sirens if you didn't pick up on that.
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I would agree with you if she hadn't made it very clear this whole time that she was interested in marriage and children. The guy has been dating her for "a couple of years", so at least two, possibly three, years. That is a long time for no commitment if you're a woman who wants children. If he's been giving off signals to her that he does eventually want to marry her, I can see why she and/or her family would start pressuring him a bit to actually commit...or at least break up with her and let her find someone else if he isn't going to marry her soon. If this man doesn't marry her, she needs to cut her losses and go find someone who will if she wants to be a mother.

I never had to bring up getting engaged or getting married to @2-Bit Speed because he knew before we started dating that I didn't date casually and he wasn't interested in using me or deceiving me or stringing me along, either unintentionally or intentionally. It sounds like this girl tried to have the same conversation with her boyfriend and he just brushed it off as a "not right now" problem and has spent at least a year stringing her along, probably unintentionally, but stringing her along nonetheless...and it sounds like she probably cares about him too much to want to believe that he isn't planning on getting married to her any time soon.
 
It's the combination of family putting on pressure and no desire/impetus to get a better paying job that sends off the warning signals.
 
Ed Haywood said:
Nowhere in your post did you use the word love.

Find the right one. It will hit you like a train when it happens.
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This was my experience (after a failed first marriage at an early age). After several years of singlehood, one night my now wife and I locked eyes at a party and that was that. There is an electric feeling like no other. Forty five years later even after numerous shared travails, it gets better every day.

My takeaway for OP is "in matters of the heart, if you have to ask the question, you already know the answer."
 
How many other girls have you dated? Have you considered dating a younger woman whose biological clock isn’t an immediate factor?
You have many options at this point in your life so don’t limit yourself to just the one.
 
Half Fast said:
You’ll never know how close you came to changing your mother’s mind about that.
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Reminds me of when my MIL was wanting to have something to say about the way we were raising the children. I told her to mind her own business as I had seen her work up close and personnal ... :fingerwag:

:kidding:
 
I could have gone the aviation career path myself back in my 20s. I didn't actually got my ticket till I am 41 and now it is a hobby not a job. The enjoyment I feel flying makes me regret the decision I made not to make it a career 20 years ago, but I can't tell you sitting here now if I had went and fly for a living if I would be telling you now that I regret becoming a pilot. There's just so many unknowns in that path I did not experienced and will never know how that path would have worked out for me. You can only decide at the moment what is the best choice and hope it works out. People are constantly changing due to changes in their lives, even changing a role in the same company changes a person's outlook sometimes. Each decision and step you take build you up to be that future self and you don't know what that is until you get there.

As just graduated I think you should do what presents more options for new experiences and life choices. In my opinion getting married that young limits you too much. How many girls have you dated? One, 3, 5, 10? Likely not a lot of long term relationships yet. Are you that lucky that this one is the one at a young age? What does that even mean to you? Do you have enough experience to know? And what about what you want your life to be? Will you be happy with a house, a lawn and kids? Or do you want to see the world, eat stuff, and go down a path less traveled?

It seems to me to be clear what your choice should be, but that carries little value because I am not you. Whatever you choose go into it knowing that there is always the chances you'll think "what if" 10-20 years down the road.
 
You’re still young. Live life, sample some girls from around the world, enjoy the craziness of being single for a while. You have plenty of time to find a girl, get married and do the dad stuff. You don’t want to be 50 wishing you had more fun in life when other guys are sharing their stories. By then you should have it all out of your system, and less li,let to cheat.
 
TommyG said:
You’re still young. Live life, sample some girls from around the world, enjoy the craziness of being single for a while. You have plenty of time to find a girl, get married and do the dad stuff. You don’t want to be 50 wishing you had more fun in life when other guys are sharing their stories. By then you should have it all out of your system, and less li,let to cheat.
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Different stokes for different folks. Married at 18 (to a 17 year old), and no shotguns involved. Five kids and we’re coming up on 45 years now. Could I have done things differently? Sure, in theory… but not in context.
 
If you find the right partner in life you will not be forced to change your goals. Any accommodation to a family vs career will be your own choosing.

I married my wife two weeks after obtaining my CFI.

We celebrate our 25th anniversary this summer.

It has not always been an easy path and I have made many accommodations for my family in my career. Despite those accommodations I have had a very satisfying career and I’m currently working for a major airline. I could have been here much quicker without the family but I have no regrets. The career concessions were of my choosing. Not demanded by my wife. She has always supported me. In fact she has made accommodations of her own. We both place the needs of the family ahead of our own interests.

Only you can decide what’s right for you. She’s either worth it or not. No one else can answer that for you.

Regardless of who you decide to commit to there will always be choices. Career or what’s best for the family. It’s not unique to aviation. Any career will require you to make a cost benefit analysis for career goals vs family time.

My priorities are faith, kids, spouse and then myself.

Hers are the same. That’s why we have made it. We both put ourselves at the bottom. Makes it relatively easy to find a path we walk together.

Selfless not selfish. But that is an incredibly vulnerable position. It’s not easy at times. We find it worthwhile.
 
Run. Plenty of potential partners out there. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t have pursued any serious relationship until I was 40ish.

I don’t just say that because my first marriage ended. I say it because in the wake of it, I did a lot of reflection and realized how many dreams I gave up that I now can’t pursue. I also realized I got married (to my first wife) because that was everyone else’s dream, not mine.

If she/they are pressuring you, that’s red flag number one. Marriage shouldn’t require pressure. Her lack of ambition appears to be another red flag. Also consider the fact that if you later divorce, the delta between your salaries can be a big factor in how badly you get scre….I mean, how much alimony you have to pay and for how long.

The biggest red flag of all is that you might have to abandon your dream to marry her. I can guarantee that this will eventually lead to deep resentment of her and the marriage for “holding you back.”

I would sit down and honestly explain that this is your dream, and she’s either on board or not. That said, if you were my son and came to me for advice, there’s enough red flags for me to tell you to send her on down the road.
 
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