Where does despair live?

Ken Ibold

Ken Ibold

Final Approach
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Ken Ibold
Yesterday I was getting RSVPs to invitations we'd sent out for my son's birthday party. One woman called to say her son would be there, and she'd be bringing another boy Parker had also invited. "And now for the sad news," she said. "Eli's mom committed suicide today. But (his dad) said I could bring him to the party on Saturday."

I was floored. This friend of my son's is 9. We've all had those blue days, but I wonder how someone could be so desperate that they didn't see hope for the future in the faces of their children. I don't see how someone who has accepted the responsibility of having kids could just check out. This woman was a well-respected lawyer, the family was well off, and AFAIK she had not shown outward signs of depression to anyone.

Last night I hugged my kids extra long. :(
 
oh man Ken, that sucks.

Losing a mom at a young age is tough, but under these circumstances it is even worse. Lets hope he can stay close to his friends and family.
 
Ken, I'm so sorry to hear this. That poor kid and his Dad. is it just the two of them now?
 
Ken Ibold said:
I don't see how someone who has accepted the responsibility of having kids could just check out.
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Perhaps because the pain of mental anguish finally got to her and she saw no other way to make it stop? Perhaps she felt like she had no one she could turn to for help? Perhaps she had a chemical imbalance? Perhaps she had a drug/alcohol problem that other people don't know about? Perhaps she was diagnosed with something horrible that she didn't want to live with? Perhaps she didn't have adequate coping skills to continue dealing with whatever life was throwing at her? There are so many reasons.

Ken Ibold said:
This woman was a well-respected lawyer, the family was well off,
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Just goes to show you that those things don't necessarily bring happiness in life.

Ken Ibold said:
and AFAIK she had not shown outward signs of depression to anyone.
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Sometimes in that person's mind, it is best to hide such things so that others don't know. Sometimes if you tell people you are depressed enough to commit suicide, then others will try to interfere with the plan that you have to complete the task.

This is really sad Ken. And tough to explain to kids.
 
Ken:

I haven't the words.

There have been times I wanted to "pull the ripcord," but for me, that means selling all the expensive stuff and re-booting.

Growing old with Celia: Golden; Watching Tommy grow: priceless.

I pray for your son, his friends and all those who might feel or experience despair.
 
I've had two friends over the years who decided to take the initiative and check out.

The first time, I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how I could have missed the signs, what I could have done, how this could have happened, and I beat myself up for a long time. I guess I eventually figured that sometimes there's just no explanation.

The second time, I decided that, whatever demons were inside my friend's head, there wasn't much more I could have done.

I can only imagine the questions that your son's friend will be trying to figure out for the rest of his life.
 
Two people close to me have committed suicide, and two others suffered horribly from depression, and I can tell you that it doesn't always show. I can tell you that in someone who suffers from depression, nothing, not even the faces of one's children, can alleviate the pain. People who suffer that way do not have normal responses to anything, although they might put on a good show. The Dad's biggest job is convincing himself, first, and then his son that it isn't their fault. It's not. I can say that without knowing anything about them.

Judy
 
I've had one friend who checked out. Five kids, great wife, big house, lotsa money... who knows what demons live inside each of us? Nobody saw it coming.
 
One of my good friends in high school shot himself in the face after being kicked out of ROTC for an indescretion.

He was so normal, it was strange. He equated that failure with a lifelong failure that he'd never recover from. It was so sad.

What causes it? I don't know. The real victim is her children though. That's the worst part, her decision will likely have lifelong consequences for her children.
 
One of my collegues checked out on Thanksgiving day 2 1/2 years ago. His then 18 year old son is having a very, very hard time of it....
 
Diana said:
Perhaps because the pain of mental anguish finally got to her and she saw no other way to make it stop? Perhaps she felt like she had no one she could turn to for help? Perhaps she had a chemical imbalance? Perhaps she had a drug/alcohol problem that other people don't know about? Perhaps she was diagnosed with something horrible that she didn't want to live with? Perhaps she didn't have adequate coping skills to continue dealing with whatever life was throwing at her? There are so many reasons.

Just goes to show you that those things don't necessarily bring happiness in life.

Sometimes in that person's mind, it is best to hide such things so that others don't know. Sometimes if you tell people you are depressed enough to commit suicide, then others will try to interfere with the plan that you have to complete the task.

This is really sad Ken. And tough to explain to kids.
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Could not have been said better!

That said this poor father and son are going to have to deal with this forever. I am sure the anger that this father and young man are going to feel are going to be all consuming. May G-d and their friends give them comfort.
 
You never know what people are fighting. As we all surf these boards and find humor and friendship, differing opinions and see others dreams, it is nearly impossible to know who might be hurting in such a way that they can't connect. The written word is powerful and I think should be used with caution. Powerful to heal but equally powerful to hurt. "for all things....." the bible says. Sometimes hard for me to see. I guess that's why they call it faith. Tough to understand.
 
I share your pain ... I just got an email from a friend who's ex-wife committed suicide yesterday. Really really tough on the 2 kids, 14 and 21...
 
Where does despair live? It lives everywhere - no-place is immune from it. Just as there can be joy everywhere. We can't see it, always. Folks keep it hidden - out of shame, out of anger, whatever reasons - perhaps, as Diana said, they don't want to get talked or treated out of it. It feeds on itself, depression does, and it tricks those who have it into developing an outlook that keeps them from seeing what it is, or doing the things that can fight it.

The family will have a hard time, no doubt - they'll be hurt, then they'll be angry. Then they'll feel guilty BECAUSE they were angry. They'll feel abandoned and betrayed - because they WERE abandoned and betrayed. :( It's just sad and terrible - the poor woman was in agony for a long time, whether anyone knew it or not. Bless all their hearts. :(
 
To me, that is absolute horror. Forget despair, that poor poor boy, God bless him always from now forward.
 
I'm sorry for the boy's loss. I hope and pray he can go on to enjoy a good life for himself. It won't be easy for a time but only time is a healer in this.

Despair is around more than most realize. Often, it's before your very eyes and you're incapable of seeing it or worse, you refuse to observe and be involved. Or worse yet; you don't care.

At least only the mother died in this case. It wasn't as far as the story in a thread I started a while back:
http://www.pilotsofamerica.com/forum/showthread.php?t=14360
 
I find suicide hard to understand. Coping with challenges in life differentiates man from machine. Going to church on Sunday doesn't make people perfect, but, IMO, it helps people cope.
I promote my faith community. It is not because of arrogance or eminence. I enjoy helping people cope.
 
ApacheBob said:
I find suicide hard to understand. Coping with challenges in life differentiates man from machine. Going to church on Sunday doesn't make people perfect, but, IMO, it helps people cope.
I promote my faith community. It is not because of arrogance or eminence. I enjoy helping people cope.
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I agree Bob except that mental illness is the only disease that the body has the ability to deny because its the body's emotional and reasonaning organ ( the brain) that is ill. Trying to reason with a severly depressed person or psychotic person is futile because its their brain thats ill. These folks believe ( obviously incorrectly) with all their soul that the world, their family, thier friends are all better off without them.

I have known of clergy including nuns who suffered from severe severe depression that even thier faith did not help. Mental illness is very complex and affects those that suffer from it and their friends and family horribly. I only wish that faith were the answer. Faith groups do however provide a great support system and getting involved in one will probably help those suffering to recover quicker.
 
Diana said:
Perhaps because the pain of mental anguish finally got to her and she saw no other way to make it stop? Perhaps she felt like she had no one she could turn to for help? Perhaps she had a chemical imbalance? Perhaps she had a drug/alcohol problem that other people don't know about? Perhaps she was diagnosed with something horrible that she didn't want to live with? Perhaps she didn't have adequate coping skills to continue dealing with whatever life was throwing at her? There are so many reasons.
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etsisk said:
Where does despair live? It lives everywhere - no-place is immune from it.
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Diana and Tom - those were beautifully eloquent responses. I may need to send a link to this thread to a friend who is trying to cope with her own, as well as her family's, demons right now. FWIW - none of these folks seems to be at risk (I know, you never know), but we've often discussed this subject; I think she would appreciate your thoughtful take on it.
 
Update. I did not know the woman in question, but my wife had met her at a school function or two and has talked to some of the other moms. Seems the woman in question was morbidly obese and that may have had something to do with it. Living as she did in a beachfront community where silicone and liposuction reign supreme, the social pressures may have been enormous. For now at least, the child has been told she died in an accident.

Perhaps that's best. For now. But I submit that at some point the truth be made known, particularly if there was a potentially inheritable mental illness.
 
The only way I would "check out" would be if I was entering the terminal stage of a disease like Alzheimers, where I wouldn't know anything or anybody, and would be a financial and emotional drain on my family. In that case, I'd prefer medically assisted suicide, but failing that would take my own life, after taking care to minimize the impact on others.

Having seen several relatives go with Alzheimers, there's just NO way I'd want to continue life past a certain point.
 
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