Sac's popcorn eating and beer drinking movie review - Bone Cold (spoiler)

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Sac Arrow

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Snorting his way across the USA

Yeah. Bone Cold. The premise? Two special ops soldiers are sent on an assassination mission in Russia, kill the wrong guy, and an ape like monster chases them through snowy wilderness. Exactly what the connect is here I'm not sure, it seems to be a non-sequitur dual plot, but, let's roll with it I guess.

Three words to sum up the movie? Seventy nine cents. Which, represents the approximate budget, rounded up, for the production.

So we start out in Afghanistan. This white guy with a metal detector finds a chain in the desert, pulls up a gun case, and pulls out a high tech assault rifle. Then he gets popped. We're like, what? Hey, we thought he was supposed to be the good guy! But no, a team of two, even whiter guys high five themselves on a hit well done. Fast forward some amateurish radio dialogue through earbud radios for an 'exfil' (at least they got that one right) and they are both back in American suburbia. There is like some family kissy stuff going on and sniper dude gets a call.

The colonel at the other end of the call (Army? Marines?) informs the Chief (Navy? Presumably a SEAL, and not Coast Guard) that his leave is cut short and he is back on assignment.

So they show up at some sort of storefront, which conceals some high security facility accessed by a freight elevator, and are met an escorted by our colonel. So...about this colonel. 1. He's wearing E4 rank (Army Specialist Four, to be exact) on a uniform that has been outdated by more than three decades. 2. He can't be bothered to shave or get a haircut. 3. His unit patch appears to be two upside down airborne rockers with the lettering removed. The storefront was a good call. They didn't actually have to con some military guards to pose for a gate entry shot. They are accompanied by a CIA guy in a suit.

The two (SEAL?) assassins are informed that they will be infiltrated in to Russia for the hit job. Immediately after they leave the freight elevator, there is some family kissy scenes and boom, they are in Ukraine at the Russian border.

They shoot what they think is their target in a remote cabin in the Russian wilderness. They are informed by 'Angel' that they did not terminate the target, and to remain there for orders. Sniper dude that did the shot has a bit of consciousness so they go back to the remote, rustic wilderness cabin which has the insides of a typical suburban California home, complete with smoke detectors, quisenarts and quilted IKEA bunk beds. Not exactly what you would expect some old geezer in Siberia to be living in. But, oh well.

Bad guys arrive. Well, two bad guys and a bad girl. A kind of hot, beautiful bad girl with a bad Russian accent. They are abhorred that a civilian is killed, so they hunt the two snipers. But so does some weird creature that looks like the byproduct of the Wicked Witch of the West and an orangutan.

I'm going to be honest with you. No, I didn't watch the entire thing. I couldn't stomach it. I fast forwarded to see the Wicked Witch rip the guts out of sniper dude, then they pan back to the colonel and CIA guy back in the states and by the way sniper dude is still alive or maybe that was his teammate that made it.

If you like movies that are so bad, that they are actually slightly entertaining in their mediocrity, this film is for you.

Oh, I guess I gotta end on a positive note. The filmography isn't bad given the total ludicrosity of the plot and execution. I've actually seen worse hack jobs on monsters, but a little low budget CGI probably would have gone a lot further than guy in the orangutan suit wearing a witch mask.

EDIT: I see this is an age restricted video now that I have posted it. Trust me, there is absolutely no NSFW material in there. At all. No naked skin. The most adult thing is a bad joke referencing a female body part commonly referred to as a domestic house cat. Even the part where the dude's guts get ripped out is so comical you can't help but to chuckle.
 
I found it Oscar worthy.
 
You have surpassed @hindsight2020, as I actually understood most of the words, including the military references. I torn between looking at this movie and just re-reading your review again.
 
thought it might have been a skiing porno..............................................



"bone cold"......................................
 
I’m old and slow, I guess, but I don’t get why you’d not figure out about five minutes in that the movie isn’t worth your time and find something else. I mean, I’ve started watching dozens of movies that seemed to have promise, figured out almost immediately that the only promise is that you’ll be watching an amateurish POS, and pulled the plug to find something better, like an episode of The Simpsons or a book or something.

I mean… I can’t recall the last time I actually sat through an entire crap movie. I just haven’t got the patience for it. And the instant I see a uniform that was obviously put together by someone who’s never actually seen one and can’t be bothered to look it up, I’m grabbing for the remote. It’s a sure sign of a stinker.
 
I had a movie on the other day. It had a good plot and story line but the actors really stunk it up. I can't remember the name but it was a sorta sci-fi. I usually don't watch movies made after 1968, but this one came on and since I currently work at home I mostly had it on for the noise.
 
The worst movies (yes, plural) was when I had OD duty in port on a ship Headed for decommissioning and the scrapyard. Crew of three: me, one PO3, and one SA. One for the Quarterdeck, one Messenger, and me: the officer in charge in case anything went wrong. Time frame 1973.

The Evening’s double feature: Poor White Trash, and I Hate Your Guts. i have finally exterminated any memory of the plots, but I do remember the following facts:

* Amateur cast, identical in both movies
* First movie, the opening credits rolled by with a background filmed from a car driving down a long country road.
* Second movie, the opening credits rolled by with a background filmed from the same car, driving up the same road (in the reverse direction).

And being on a commissioned USN ship, we had no booze on board to relieve the pain! Oh how we suffered.

-Skip
 
DaleB said:
I’m old and slow, I guess, but I don’t get why you’d not figure out about five minutes in that the movie isn’t worth your time and find something else. I mean, I’ve started watching dozens of movies that seemed to have promise, figured out almost immediately that the only promise is that you’ll be watching an amateurish POS, and pulled the plug to find something better, like an episode of The Simpsons or a book or something.

I mean… I can’t recall the last time I actually sat through an entire crap movie. I just haven’t got the patience for it. And the instant I see a uniform that was obviously put together by someone who’s never actually seen one and can’t be bothered to look it up, I’m grabbing for the remote. It’s a sure sign of a stinker.
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Well... I did. And to be fair, I didn't waste the entire time of the movie by watching it end to end. I did a lot of skipping.

I'm taking one for the team here.
 
Skip Miller said:
The worst movies (yes, plural) was when I had OD duty in port on a ship Headed for decommissioning and the scrapyard. Crew of three: me, one PO3, and one SA. One for the Quarterdeck, one Messenger, and me: the officer in charge in case anything went wrong. Time frame 1973.

The Evening’s double feature: Poor White Trash, and I Hate Your Guts. i have finally exterminated any memory of the plots, but I do remember the following facts:

* Amateur cast, identical in both movies
* First movie, the opening credits rolled by with a background filmed from a car driving down a long country road.
* Second movie, the opening credits rolled by with a background filmed from the same car, driving up the same road (in the reverse direction).

And being on a commissioned USN ship, we had no booze on board to relieve the pain! Oh how we suffered.

-Skip
Click to expand...
I think one of the differences between bad movies of the era and bad movies of today is that back then, amateur movie makers had to invest more resources in production than they do today. Now, anyone with a few Go Pros can try their hand at movie making - and they do. Like an amateur college production of a spy movie compete with fight scenes and the kid that sits behind a card table in an empty room in CIA headquarters who is the leader of the good guys.

The basic problem was that there was nobody in the cast over the age of 22, and none with any basic acting skills. And the fight scene - imagine Fat Albert playing a slapping game with Popeye.
 
My son wore my dress green SP 3 uniform to a College costume party. Every one thought he was dressed as a Colonel! He did not set them straight, as he was telling them that it was his dad's.

It is amazing how completely oblivious to the markings of rank the modern college kids are. Must not be any military family in the college attending crowd. Sad, if true.

Do you think the orangutan character might have been Sasquatch?
 
DaleB said:
I’m old and slow, I guess, but I don’t get why you’d not figure out about five minutes in that the movie isn’t worth your time and find something else. I mean, I’ve started watching dozens of movies that seemed to have promise, figured out almost immediately that the only promise is that you’ll be watching an amateurish POS, and pulled the plug to find something better, like an episode of The Simpsons or a book or something.

I mean… I can’t recall the last time I actually sat through an entire crap movie. I just haven’t got the patience for it. And the instant I see a uniform that was obviously put together by someone who’s never actually seen one and can’t be bothered to look it up, I’m grabbing for the remote. It’s a sure sign of a stinker.
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If I followed that philosophy, I would never watch a movie with any computer, network tech, flying or sailing.

As for why you would continue watching a movie with a questionable storyline, often you don't know for sure until you're well into the movie. And sometimes a miracle happens and it turns out to be a pretty good movie. I saw one the other day like that. The Hunt. About as stupid a premise as you could imagine. With below average acting. But it was hoot! Definitely a good popcorn movie.

By the way, you do know that movies are fictional, right? That there is no John Wick, zombies, superhero's, faster than light travel, etc.? ;)
 
If you want to watch some bad FX, look for Trollhunter. The culminating scene is the good guys chasing a 300 foot tall Norwegian stone troll in an SUV. There is a few seconds of a guy in a troll suit bearing down on a Matchbox SUV rigged with tiny lights.
 
donjohnston said:
If I followed that philosophy, I would never watch a movie with any computer, network tech, flying or sailing.

As for why you would continue watching a movie with a questionable storyline, often you don't know for sure until you're well into the movie. And sometimes a miracle happens and it turns out to be a pretty good movie. I saw one the other day like that. The Hunt. About as stupid a premise as you could imagine. With below average acting. But it was hoot! Definitely a good popcorn movie.

By the way, you do know that movies are fictional, right? That there is no John Wick, zombies, superhero's, faster than light travel, etc.? ;)
Click to expand...

I wasn't talking about half decently acted, reasonably well produced movies that might not get all the details right. Nor do I object to movies that are pure fantasy. It's the real stinkers I was talking about; the movies like the one the entire thread is about. There's a huge, huge gap between movies during which (like most) one may need to suspend disbelief in order to enjoy them, and movies that are just plain and simple utter garbage. The ones with lousy acting, stupid dialog, junior high school quality productions. The ones that make late 60s B movies look absolutely artistic.

You know... movies like what Sac described watching, and I asked why anyone would.

If you want to watch 'em, great. Knock yourself out. I find them unwatchable. I'd rather pick up a book or watch the squirrels chase each other across the yard. If I'm going to spend the time to watch a movie, I want to actually enjoy it. I don't enjoy watching absolute garbage, so when it's obvious that the movie is going to be garbage I'm not wasting any more time on it in hopes that there's a half-moldy chunk of bread that might still be OK if you don't mind brushing the flies off of it. Hope that's OK with you.
 
geezer said:
My son wore my dress green SP 3 uniform to a College costume party. Every one thought he was dressed as a Colonel! He did not set them straight, as he was telling them that it was his dad's.

It is amazing how completely oblivious to the markings of rank the modern college kids are. Must not be any military family in the college attending crowd. Sad, if true.

Do you think the orangutan character might have been Sasquatch?
Click to expand...
I actually had to Google what an SP3 was. To us that would have been an SP4 (Specialist Four, E4). Several years ago SP5 and 6 were dropped, and now they are just referred to as 'Specialist,' a non-NCO rank that would otherwise be a corporal.

Every Sasquatch depiction I've seen, even in beef jerky commercials, looks more realistic than that thing does.
 
DaleB said:
I wasn't talking about half decently acted, reasonably well produced movies that might not get all the details right.
Click to expand...
You're contradicting yourself.

That might not get all the details right
Click to expand...

is contrary to

the instant I see a uniform that was obviously put together by someone who’s never actually seen one and can’t be bothered to look it up, I’m grabbing for the remote.
Click to expand...

So are you going to bail on a movie because a characters Army uniform has their name on the left and U.S. Army on the right?
 
GaryM said:
Realistic, as in they look more like the actual sasquatches (Sasquatchi?) you’ve seen?
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This is California. They are a protected class down here. Go down to the City in the Tenderloin district. You will find all sorts of sheltered mythological creatures in the streets. I think I saw ALF panhandling the street corner telling bad cat jokes last September.
 
donjohnston said:
You're contradicting yourself.
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Not in the slightest. You're being remarkably obtuse, though. I'm guessing that's intentional.

donjohnston said:
So are you going to bail on a movie because a characters Army uniform has their name on the left and U.S. Army on the right?
Click to expand...
If you're not bright enough to see the difference between something minor and what the OP posted (go back and re-read para. 5 of the first post), then I don't see any sense in discussing it further. You watch whatever you want, I'll do the same. Have a nice life.
 
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