It's lunch time. I'm reading this article in the June 2007 edition of Smoking Hot Latinas about some up and coming 14 year old named Selena something that is projected end up as a successful musician with a lifelong attraction to preadolescent males. Anyway, it occurred to me that I needed to do something productive for mankind. Like expose a scam or something. Or maybe rate a burger. Or better yet, do both. So I have this device with a floating needle sitting in my desk, so I gave it a whirl to see which direction it pointed. It pointed 227 degrees, which was a direct bearing to Carl's Jr. Come to think of it, that's where it ended up the last three times I spun it. Let's do....drumroll.... The Carl's All Natural Burger! I need to do an errand first so I'll stop and get one on the way back. Okay, so what's the hype. Grass fed. Free range. No added hormones, steroids or antibiotics. What are they saying? Their normal burger patties have hormones, steroids and antibiotics injected in them? What kind of sales campaign is THAT?? There is a reason why I haven't tried this out before. I don't care if the cow eats grass. I don't care if it's range fees have been waived. In my experience, cows that get fed grains seem to get bigger and juicier, but that's just my uneducated opinion. I'm not a rancher by trade. Oh, the price. That's the reason. I can get a Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger with like cheese and an onion ring on it and all that stuff and it's actually quite good, for $4.79. I don't consider that "cheap" but it seems to be the going price these days for that kind of thing. Inflation is a mutha. Well this damn thing is $6.99 for a double. That's a chunk, for a fast food double. That begs the question, what SIZE are the burger patties? They don't really tell you. The standard sizes are 3 oz (small patty, on plain hamburgers and cheesburgers, kid's burger), 1/4 lb ("signature" burgers, e.g. Famous Star, etc...), 1/3 lb ("Thickburger" small patty) 1/2 lb ("Thickburger" standard patty.) There is this one Latina at my Carl's that is just FREAKIN' hot. I LOVE ordering from her because she wears these tight blouses that are hella low cut. How you get that low of a cut in a uniform blouse I don't know but she manages it. And she's the manager. She even delivers my burgers personally when I order. Except I didn't order from her today. I went to a different Carl's because I was in the area and I picked up one to go. It was still entertaining though, but in a different way. There was a red haired crack whore outside that repeatedly picked up her mountain bike and threw it in to the bike rack with copious amounts of rage and anger. Don't come in, don't come in I mentally prayed. She came in. Okay, the gods are obviously ticked off at me, so I think I know where this whole thing is going. Burger wise. So I get the thing back in to the breakroom take it out of the box. The first thing I observed was two, charred, thin patties. Way overdone. They appeared to nominally be 1/4 lb patties. At least, 1/4 lb before they were burned to a crisp. So basically, it was a Famous Star but at twice the price. A note about the box. They put their "Thickburgers" (the things they used to call Six Dollar Burgers) in a box because they were big. This isn't big. It isn't any bigger than the Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger, which comes wrapped in paper. Paper is fine. They didn't need to put it in a box. It was.... disappointing. It tasted like a Famous Star, except it was overdone. If they didn't overdo it would have tasted exactly like a Famous Star. Then why not just buy a Famous Star. There is the cheese. It was... different. It sort of looked like a dry, stale version of their normal cheese. Tasted like it too. Basically, this is a thumbs down. I have eaten regular hamburger all of my life which presumably has hormones in it. Can't be. I do not have man boobs. It presumably has steroids in it. Can't be. My penis is still the same size it was since birth. Whatever they did to make this burger special adds zero value and if anything, detracts from the taste. Note that I did not rate the bun. Note that from the picture it is not equipped with a bun. I don't do buns. I'm a low carb guy. I do lettuce wrap. It appears as if they added extra lettuce in order to have it "fill" the box. I'm a fan of lettuce yes, but let's just say the L to B ratio was way high on this one.