[rant]Pirep: Carl's All Natural Burger[rant]

Discussion in 'Hangar Talk' started by Sac Arrow, Feb 11, 2015.

  1. Sac Arrow

    Sac Arrow Touchdown! Greaser!

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    [​IMG]

    It's lunch time. I'm reading this article in the June 2007 edition of Smoking Hot Latinas about some up and coming 14 year old named Selena something that is projected end up as a successful musician with a lifelong attraction to preadolescent males. Anyway, it occurred to me that I needed to do something productive for mankind. Like expose a scam or something. Or maybe rate a burger. Or better yet, do both. So I have this device with a floating needle sitting in my desk, so I gave it a whirl to see which direction it pointed. It pointed 227 degrees, which was a direct bearing to Carl's Jr. Come to think of it, that's where it ended up the last three times I spun it. Let's do....drumroll.... The Carl's All Natural Burger! I need to do an errand first so I'll stop and get one on the way back.

    Okay, so what's the hype. Grass fed. Free range. No added hormones, steroids or antibiotics. What are they saying? Their normal burger patties have hormones, steroids and antibiotics injected in them? What kind of sales campaign is THAT??

    There is a reason why I haven't tried this out before. I don't care if the cow eats grass. I don't care if it's range fees have been waived. In my experience, cows that get fed grains seem to get bigger and juicier, but that's just my uneducated opinion. I'm not a rancher by trade. Oh, the price. That's the reason. I can get a Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger with like cheese and an onion ring on it and all that stuff and it's actually quite good, for $4.79. I don't consider that "cheap" but it seems to be the going price these days for that kind of thing. Inflation is a mutha. Well this damn thing is $6.99 for a double. That's a chunk, for a fast food double. That begs the question, what SIZE are the burger patties? They don't really tell you. The standard sizes are 3 oz (small patty, on plain hamburgers and cheesburgers, kid's burger), 1/4 lb ("signature" burgers, e.g. Famous Star, etc...), 1/3 lb ("Thickburger" small patty) 1/2 lb ("Thickburger" standard patty.)

    There is this one Latina at my Carl's that is just FREAKIN' hot. I LOVE ordering from her because she wears these tight blouses that are hella low cut. How you get that low of a cut in a uniform blouse I don't know but she manages it. And she's the manager. She even delivers my burgers personally when I order. Except I didn't order from her today. I went to a different Carl's because I was in the area and I picked up one to go. It was still entertaining though, but in a different way. There was a red haired crack whore outside that repeatedly picked up her mountain bike and threw it in to the bike rack with copious amounts of rage and anger. Don't come in, don't come in I mentally prayed. She came in. Okay, the gods are obviously ticked off at me, so I think I know where this whole thing is going. Burger wise.

    So I get the thing back in to the breakroom take it out of the box. The first thing I observed was two, charred, thin patties. Way overdone. They appeared to nominally be 1/4 lb patties. At least, 1/4 lb before they were burned to a crisp. So basically, it was a Famous Star but at twice the price. A note about the box. They put their "Thickburgers" (the things they used to call Six Dollar Burgers) in a box because they were big. This isn't big. It isn't any bigger than the Double Western Bacon Cheeseburger, which comes wrapped in paper. Paper is fine. They didn't need to put it in a box.

    It was.... disappointing. It tasted like a Famous Star, except it was overdone. If they didn't overdo it would have tasted exactly like a Famous Star. Then why not just buy a Famous Star.

    There is the cheese. It was... different. It sort of looked like a dry, stale version of their normal cheese. Tasted like it too.

    Basically, this is a thumbs down. I have eaten regular hamburger all of my life which presumably has hormones in it. Can't be. I do not have man boobs. It presumably has steroids in it. Can't be. My penis is still the same size it was since birth. Whatever they did to make this burger special adds zero value and if anything, detracts from the taste.

    Note that I did not rate the bun. Note that from the picture it is not equipped with a bun. I don't do buns. I'm a low carb guy. I do lettuce wrap. It appears as if they added extra lettuce in order to have it "fill" the box. I'm a fan of lettuce yes, but let's just say the L to B ratio was way high on this one.
     

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  2. narchee

    narchee Line Up and Wait

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    Not something to boast about. :nono:
     
  3. Sac Arrow

    Sac Arrow Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Yeah, I don't think I worded that quite the way I wanted...
     
  4. SmashTime

    SmashTime Pre-takeoff checklist

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    Steroids do not shrink your penis.

    They cause your testicles to stop producing natural testosterone which causes your testicles to shrink. Typically if you don't go crazy with the drug, once you stop your body will start producing test once again and you'll restore you testicle size.

    The only thing linked to a different size in your penis would be erectile disfunction, steroids if taken incorrectly can cause ED. But most therapeutic dosages actually make your erections stronger and libido higher.

    Of course you're probably just making that statement to be funny and add comic relief to your story but I'd hate for someone to actually believe it shrinks your penis.
     
  5. Matthew

    Matthew Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Save your receipt. There's usually a place on there for an online survey or comments. Send them this rant (leave out the parts about the crack ho and Latina) and you'll probably get a couple of coupons for free lunches in the mail.

    Sorry, but it won't help with your birth defect.
     
  6. Clark1961

    Clark1961 Touchdown! Greaser!

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    One of the Latinas on backpage will be glad to help with that. They'll even tell you is is grande if you tip enough...
     
  7. Sac Arrow

    Sac Arrow Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Testicles, penis, I knew it was one or the other. They are right next to each other you know.

    Hmm... that's a thought, but I didn't save it.

    And yeah, the doctors were horrified with what they saw, but I eventually grew in to it.
     
  8. Flying Viking

    Flying Viking Pre-takeoff checklist

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    To quote the late (and great) Robin Williams:

    "Mr. Arrow, that's not the penis, that's the umbilical cord."
     
  9. wsuffa

    wsuffa Touchdown! Greaser!

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    You need to go to an In-and-Out burger in SoCal....
     
  10. Sac Arrow

    Sac Arrow Touchdown! Greaser!

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    We have them in Norcal. Habit Burger is the competition, not Inn & Out. Carl's has bigger burgers that are flame broiled, and sides other than greasy fries.
     
  11. Henning

    Henning Ejection Handle Pulled

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    The only thing good at In & Out is the bumper stickers.
     
  12. simtech

    simtech Pattern Altitude

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    FTFY

    Not a fan of Hardies. I guess east of the Mississippi its hardies. Now I do like the breakfast but burgers I just cant do them.
     
  13. Clark1961

    Clark1961 Touchdown! Greaser!

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    That's a good approach to fast food. Don't do the burgers...you never know where that ground "meat" has been.
     
  14. N801BH

    N801BH Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Just marketing BS...

    They know damn well you cannot prove it doesn't contain.

    "100% all Natural Beef Patty, No Antibiotics, No added hormones, NO steroids, Grass fed...........


    Move along..... Nothing to see here..:no:..:nonod::nonod:......:rolleyes2:
     
  15. Richard

    Richard Final Approach

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    Ack...city life
    I thought this thread was about Charlotte McKinney.

    The last time I ate a Carl's Jr burger about 15 minutes later it came up faster than it went down. Never again.
     
  16. Sac Arrow

    Sac Arrow Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Yes, yes. I went in to this with that knowledge. I was hoping to be pleasantly surprised. Kind of like accepting the older, experienced girl at the massage parlor knowing how it's probably going to go and being right*.


    *Hypothetical analogy for illustrative purposes only.
     
  17. josephbelt01

    josephbelt01 Pre-takeoff checklist

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    Hypothetically - would she be Filipino and go by the name Madonna?


    Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
     
  18. Mason

    Mason Pattern Altitude PoA Supporter

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    One would think some marketing genius would have realized when this fine burger first debuted, inflation would eventually make the TM laughable. That time has come so now, it is a "thickburger."

    Still a very fine sandwich.

    I won't be trying the all natural. I am quite happy with the regular. I'll stick with the 1/2-pound thick.

    For the times I am not at Fat Burger or In 'n Out.
     
  19. Sac Arrow

    Sac Arrow Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Here? Hypothetically she would probably be Korean or Vietnamese, but she would more likely be Korean. I don't speak Korean. I have a better command of Vietnamese. But that is all hypothetical
     
  20. Bill Jennings

    Bill Jennings Final Approach

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    I find the thickburger at Hardee's to be one of the better fast food burgers. In fact, the only fast food burger I'll eat. Although if a Five Guys is nearby, I'll go there instead, but I consider FG to be a step above normal fast food.
     
  21. flyingron

    flyingron Touchdown! Greaser! PoA Supporter

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    Presumably they mean no hormones "added" to the living animal. I can't imagine any reason to add hormones to ground beef. Still, you can never be sure with the weasels in advertising.
     
  22. Gerhardt

    Gerhardt En-Route

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    I'll be honest here. That's a good-looking burger in the picture. But I like buns.
     
  23. denverpilot

    denverpilot Taxi to Parking

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    In the marketing photo. Not so much in Sac's real photo. Which is typical.
     
  24. flyingron

    flyingron Touchdown! Greaser! PoA Supporter

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    Food never looks like it does in the advertising picture.
     
  25. SixPapaCharlie

    SixPapaCharlie May the force be with you

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    It does at Taco Casa. They make sure their ads look just as nasty as the food.

    [​IMG]

    [​IMG]
     
  26. wsuffa

    wsuffa Touchdown! Greaser!

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    AKA Food Styling
     
  27. Sac Arrow

    Sac Arrow Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Hardee's has a slightly different menu than Carl's. Hardee's "Thickburger" is 1/3 lb, and Carl's "Six Dollar Burger" is 1/2 lb, but they recently introduced the 1/3 lb version at Carl's as well. I discovered a while back that they put fillers in the 1/2 lb patty but not in the 1/4 lb patty, so I've been ordering the double 1/4 lb and not the single 1/2 lb (they are better.) I find 1/3 lb to be a bastard size - one isn't quite enough forcing me in to a double, or two of them. I do not know if they put fillers in the 1/3 lb version.

    Actually if I had done a better job I would have taken a picture of the burger halfway eaten - it looks worse in real life than my picture shows.
     
  28. N801BH

    N801BH Touchdown! Greaser!

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    :vomit::vomit::vomit::vomit::vomit:
     
  29. Matthew

    Matthew Touchdown! Greaser!

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    I got to watch Kingsford Charcoal film a bunch of commercials one weekend. They have been big sponsors of one of the BBQ contests that my buddies and I compete in. One year a crew was there to film commercials - one of my buddies actually ended up in one, "I like the way Kingsford flavors my meat!" He still gets grief from us about that.

    But it really was interesting to see them set up for some of their shots - some were using props like a brand new, shiny, Weber grill, a couple of perfectly placed and perfectly ashed over Kingsford briquettes, and some perfectly doctored chicken and vegetable pieces on the brand new grate.

    Then they asked a guy across from us to set up for a couple of shots as he was packing up to leave at the end of the contest. They took some aluminum foil and shaped it to look like something was wrapped in it, put these 'packages' inside his smoker, added a smoke pot inside the smoker, then directed him to open the smoker and look inside and pretend that he cared about whatever it was that was cooking. The rest of us sat behind the director and laughed and gave our own directions - great times.

    Oh, and the director's assistant was very easy on the eyes.
     
  30. Gerhardt

    Gerhardt En-Route

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    You know what I got out of his picture? He has a lot of word-find puzzles at work. :D

    But also, that they let him near sharp objects. Which really surprised me.

    As for the burger, it's missing the tasty parts. tomato, pickles, ketchup, mustard, onions.
     
  31. Sac Arrow

    Sac Arrow Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Those large knives have somewhat become a trademark of my breakroom postings. The donut cutters use those to cut donuts. But we also bbq from time to time (yes, including real bbq with smoker and ribs) and need big knives to cut stuff up.

    The crosswords are for the ladies. They are also the ones that cut the donuts.
     
  32. N801BH

    N801BH Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Geez.................

    Where's the bun...:dunno::dunno::dunno::dunno::confused::confused:
     
  33. Sac Arrow

    Sac Arrow Touchdown! Greaser!

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    Since we're talking about marketing images vs. the real thing, Habit Burger comes fairly close to their marketing images.

    Image #1 is taken off the Habit Burger website. Image #2 is one I took a while back.
     

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  34. Matthew

    Matthew Touchdown! Greaser!

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    I want to roll around in those...
     
  35. SmashTime

    SmashTime Pre-takeoff checklist

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    Taco casa is delicious.



    If you don't chew big red then f you .
     
  36. overdrive148

    overdrive148 En-Route

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    That awful background and food combo remind me of...

     
  37. narchee

    narchee Line Up and Wait

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    Best to stay away from all this stuff otherwise your penis will appear to shrink as the rest of you swells...
     
  38. SixPapaCharlie

    SixPapaCharlie May the force be with you

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    I thought of this thread at lunch a bit ago and took a photo of my food.
    Tried a Mediterranean place called "Zoe's Kitchen"

    I got my food and right away thought "This looks exactly as advertized"
    Really good food if you have one nearby, check it out.

    [​IMG]
     
  39. Sac Arrow

    Sac Arrow Touchdown! Greaser!

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    All right, this was today's lunch. A double Habit Burger with Swiss and guacamole, and a side Caesar salad. Habit Burger is one of those up and coming chains of what they are terming "Fast Casual". No table service and you order up front, but they make everything to order, including the salads and they don't have a drive through. They do not have tubs of premade salads sitting in the cooler. The Caesar salads have the dressing tossed in it, and are covered with Parmesan. It would have croutons on it but I don't do croutons.
     

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  40. Matthew

    Matthew Touchdown! Greaser!

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    I had one of these for breakfast. It looked axactly like the picture.
     

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