So I'm listing to this classic song by Kool Moe Dee as I'm getting dressed, except I'm not strapping on my Gucci watch and synchronizing the time, rather, I'm strapping on the riding shoes and throwing on the jersey. Do you know, do you know, do you know what time it is? It's... time to ride! That right, I'm planning an eighty miler. For a ride like that, pre-ride nutrition is important. But I don't do pancakes and crap like that, I like eat some tuna, or maybe an omelet, or maybe make a lettuce wrapped sandwich. I might... might possibly eat an energy bar during the ride if I feel like I'm imminently about to pass out. And I'll plan a burger stop somewhere near the last third of the route. Alright, soooo... I go to make a sammich right. Pastrami, Swiss, tomato, onion, sprouts, all between a few loose outer leaves of iceberg lettuce. Whoops, forgot the mayo. Gotta have the mayo. Where the hell is the mayo? Must be out. No, wait a minute, here is a big jar sitting here in the pantry. That's interesting. This looks new. Kirkland. Must be from Costco or whatever that volume discount place carries. I think it's Costco. Anyway, something catches my eye. "100% cage free eggs." Cage free eggs. WTF. First of all, buyers of Kirkland products don't give a damn whether their eggs have been stored in cages or not. I won't say they are cheap per se, but let's just say that they are buying this stuff for "value." In fact, I'm fairly sure the average Kirkland purchaser doesn't even understand the significance of cage free eggs. For that matter, I'm not sure even I do either. So, which pop cultural advocacy group is it that promotes cage free eggs? It doesn't immediately jump out at me. The vegans? I don't think so, pure vegans don't eat eggs to begin with. The global warming crowd? No obvious connection there. The organic people? They are about hormones, steroids and pesticides, not methods of transporting and storing fragile media. PETA? It's... an egg. Maybe, just maybe strict Catholic PETA members might consider the egg to be a chicken. But, my experience with most strict Catholics is that they tend to avoid association with most fringe extremist groups anyway. Let's break this down. First of all, I KNOW it's an excuse to charge more for an attribute that adds no value to the product. But just how and why is insidious. It seems to me that the base, existing, historical condition is that eggs are not caged. Generally, they are gathered by migrant workers wearing sombreros, who place them in special gathering trays, send them in for processing to make them look white, and another set of migrant workers wearing hair nets and gloves places them in corrugated paper or foam cartons. Small ones if they are going to end consumers, and large ones of they are going to food processing plants or food service distributors. I'm not sure the cage thing would even WORK. See the second picture below. That is a disposable cage, intended for the purpose of transporting a kitty cat or a small puppy dog. Or, perhaps it could be used for transporting a couple hamsters or gerbils, and maybe even a bunny rabbit. But not an egg. It doesn't take a large stretch of imagination to figure out what might happen to the egg as it rolls around in the cage in the back of your minivan on a trip to the vet. But, now, if you're transporting your egg in a cage to the vet, you probably have other issues at play that I can't help you with. Your best bet is to contact a professional. Quickly. I have a theory though. Think about.... Kirkland's corporate department. "Smithers, we have a problem. The FDA is coming down hard on us. We got nailed big time last inspection at the mayo plant." "What happened?" "Same damn thing as always. Procurement buys eggs from the cheapest vendor, who is too cheap to use cartons to transport the eggs, so most arrive broken in cages. Production is too cheap to pull out the broken ones." "Well, then I would suggest we start using suppliers that package the eggs in proper containers then." "It's gonna cost us." "We can justify it and sell it. Think like a marketer. Think of this slogan: We will only use 100% Cage Free Eggs." "Damn you're a f** genius! Most people will have no idea what that means but it sounds really good!" It kind of reminds me of an analogous situation. "Free range chickens." In Southeast Asia, most of the locals prefer to eat what is termed as "free range chickens." They are considered a delicacy. But so are sheep eyeballs and goat penises*. So you can basically expect to see an occasional eyeball or a penis if you order a free range chicken then. The chickens that are raised in coops are known as "American" chickens or sometimes "Korean" chickens. The "free range" chickens are scrawny, dry, tough and stringy. Americans (and Koreans) like big fat juicy chickens with lots of meat on them. Which chicken has the better lifestyle? The one that has to fight for its food with other starving chickens, endure cold freezing nights, rainstorms, windstorms and attrition due to predators, or the fat and happy chickens that get to eat lots of food in a warm comfy environment? Does the answer really even matter? THE DAMN THING IS GOING TO END UP IN A FRYOLATOR EITHER WAY! Anyway, to me mayo is mayo. It tasted the same as that Kraft stuff that usually gets bought that apparently can't be labeled as mayo for whatever reason. But I like mayo. Drink a fifth of Jack, get the drunk munchies, and slather the stuff all over green looking cold cuts left way in the the back of the fridge that started out as either beef or turkey. There you go. Instant Cinco de Mayo, every day of the year. *This is actually true about goat penises. I didn't just throw that in just to give a penis reference for 6PC.