On the subject of Chili

Greebo

N9017H - C172M (1976)
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Retired Evil Overlord
Repost from another forum I use... I am not the author - author at this time is actually unknown as it was a repost there too...

Texas Chili Contest



If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's no hope for
you. I was crying by the end.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you pay attention to the
first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better. For
those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They
actually have a Chili Cook-off about the
time Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot
at the San Antonio City Park. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster
named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions
to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted".

Here are the score card notes from the event:

CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI
Judge # 1 A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy snot what the devil is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames
out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2 - JERRYS AFTERBURNER CHILI
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure, what
I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3 - HANKS FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me
more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting green-faced from all of the beer.

CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 --Black bean chili with almost no spice.Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or
other mild foods, not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to
taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was
standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300 LB woman is starting to
look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

CHILI # 5 SANDIES LEGAL LIP REMOVER
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead, and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili
had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring
beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really
made me mad that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.stupid rednecks
fonneys

CHILI # 6 - JOHNS VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous,
sulfuric flames. I messed on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my hinny with a snow cone.

CHILI # 7 -PATS SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried
about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.
At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach

CHILI # 8 - RANDYS TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold
but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor
hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed
out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report
 
People in my office actually came in to see what I was laughing at. Then they saw the tears and had to read it as well.......:rofl:
 
And after reading Bob's Chili recipe I was starting to get hungry for it. Now forget it. I may never eat chili again!

Pretty funny Chuck.
 
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