Need help, but...

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First, I do not have clinical depression. I am certain of that.

However, I am really struggling with some things in my life right now. I am recently married to a military pilot and have found the military lifestyle is not my thing especially with a recent very short notice PCS move. Until the move, I had a professional job with a large defense contractor and was a fairly active freelance CFI. Now I am a housewife with no income/students/job who listens to her husband constantly talk about his job - flying. You can probably understand why I'm not the happiest person in the world right now. Flying is the last thing on my mind right now (getting out of bed is an accomplishment) and I probably need to talk to someone but don't want to jeopardize my medical because I want to return to flying as soon as possible - but there's the catch-22 - that I probably won't feel like flying until I talk to someone and figure out how to be happy with this new life.

I've heard horror stories of counselors diagnosing anyone who's the least bit sad with depression and handing them to a psychiatrist for antidepressants - which won't help me because they won't change my situation. I'm unemployed, so no EAP to call. What would you do?
 
Therapists who are being paid by insurance companies have to diagnose you with something in order to get paid. Therapists who are paid by employers or any sort of "agency" have to do the same because of the policies of the places they work.

The only counselor who truly works for you is one you are paying yourself, or one who is a clergy member of some sort (most of whom have at least some advanced training in counseling). I suggest you pursue one or the other of those options.

Best of luck to you. This, too, shall pass.

-Rich
 
Greetings! Your life has taken quite a turn, upside down perhaps, and not quite what you expected when you "joined the team." I can assure you that you are not the first to feel this way. Perhaps if you realize your other half does not have control over (and perhaps little input) on the where and the when, it will make it easier. And perhaps they are not the most sensitive creature yet, to recognize your agony, and help you deal with it.

With over 30 years in the military, I can tell you that every base and every assignment has its good points, as well as bad. Sometimes it takes a little experience to recognize them when you see them. Does your base have an Aero Club or CAP squadron? If so, there are some opportunities to fly, and perhaps instruct.

Living life is like flying an airplane: attitude equals altitude

I wish both of you the Best, and Thank you for your Service to your Country.

P.S. You might consider talking with a base chaplain, the mental health clinic, a mentor wife with your husband's squadron or the OWC.
 
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Unregistered said:
First, I do not have clinical depression. I am certain of that.

However, I am really struggling with some things in my life right now. I am recently married to a military pilot and have found the military lifestyle is not my thing especially with a recent very short notice PCS move. Until the move, I had a professional job with a large defense contractor and was a fairly active freelance CFI. Now I am a housewife with no income/students/job who listens to her husband constantly talk about his job - flying. You can probably understand why I'm not the happiest person in the world right now. Flying is the last thing on my mind right now (getting out of bed is an accomplishment) and I probably need to talk to someone but don't want to jeopardize my medical because I want to return to flying as soon as possible - but there's the catch-22 - that I probably won't feel like flying until I talk to someone and figure out how to be happy with this new life.

I've heard horror stories of counselors diagnosing anyone who's the least bit sad with depression and handing them to a psychiatrist for antidepressants - which won't help me because they won't change my situation. I'm unemployed, so no EAP to call. What would you do?
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Making a sudden move can be unnerving and is part of the life. In regards to your no income statement, please be aware the quitting a job because of a spouse's transfer will qualify you for unemployment while you look for new work. It won't replace all your income but it might help with the feelings of not contributing to the household expenses.
 
I'm not sure I would recommend a mentor wife with the husband's squadron ... there's no privileged information agreement there and regardless of the best intentions, that's a rumor leak source.

I would suggest checking out some of the local churches off-base in the area, chat with a clergy member. In a prior church we attended, the associate pastor was a pilot, as well as a number of other members.

Maybe even make connections with some of the aviation based missionary organizations, like Mission Aviation Fellowship http://www.maf.org , Mission Aviation Repair Center http://www.marcalaska.org, and many others. Even if no direct physical connection, there may be leads for other conversations.

Is there a flying club on the new base that could give you an opportunity for teaching?

Connect up with a local Angel Flight chapter? http://www.angelflight.org or http://www.angelflight.com

Just about every base or military presence has some opportunity for DOD contract work - a couple of the best workers I had back in CA were military spouses.

Welcome aboard, Good luck, and keep posting here - it's a good place for discussion and there's a bunch of good folk here.
 
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These are all good suggestions. But have you tried talking to your husband about this? He might be surprised that you are feeling this way (it's true, some guys aren't the most emotionally perceptive creatures).
 
First off the fact that you consider getting out of bed an accomplishment would suggest to me that you are depressed and that needs to be addressed. Depression is a dark hole that can be climbed out of but if you do nothing you really risk slipping deeper into the hole making the climbout more difficult and perhaps requiring more or stronger meds that may be disqualifing.

So I guess the question comes down to would you rather be depressed and not fly or feel good and not fly?

I am not an AME and I didn't play one on TV but I don't think a diagnosis of depression is automatically disqualifing forever.

Folks above have given you good ideas on how to get back in the swing so to speak but in addition why not consult with an AME not the one who gives you your medical. I'd think that they can tell you what would be disqualifing and what would not and how to go about getting the MH treatment that you may need without getting grounded forever. You may even be able to take advantage of the new FAA rules on SSRIs but you would need to know what is "kosher" and what is not before you take the plunge. In essence you are seeking a consult with the AME but not a medical. If you anywhere near Peoria Bruce Chein the top guy on this is out there.

When you boil it all down you health is more important than your ticket but if you plan well there should be no reason you can't have both.

RJM62 said:
Therapists who are being paid by insurance companies have to diagnose you with something in order to get paid. Therapists who are paid by employers or any sort of "agency" have to do the same because of the policies of the places they work.

The only counselor who truly works for you is one you are paying yourself, or one who is a clergy member of some sort (most of whom have at least some advanced training in counseling). I suggest you pursue one or the other of those options.

Best of luck to you. This, too, shall pass.

-Rich
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You got it Rich!

Jack Spectre said:
These are all good suggestions. But have you tried talking to your husband about this? He might be surprised that you are feeling this way (it's true, some guys aren't the most emotionally perceptive creatures).
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Supurb sugesstion.
 
My husband knows, but says he doesn't know what I want him to do about it. And he's right - I don't.

I've talked to a chaplain, but it wasn't helpful. He told me to see a counselor and blew me off when I voiced my concerns about the FAA, saying I didn't know what I was talking about. Helpful.

Last, you wouldn't want to get out of bed either if you had nothing to do. Life seems pointless when you've lost this much of yourself. I'm to the point where I almost don't care about a diagnosis but I know I can get part of my life back (flying) and don't want to sabotage that because I'm angry at the military. Maybe I'll try a different chaplain.
 
Again your second post tells me that you do have depression. Hopefully transient. I'm not a shrink but I'd bet lunch on it.

As for your attempt to speak wiht the chaplin, well I'd venture to say that most health professionals, clergy and the public don't understand the ramifications of certain treatments and illnesses as they relate to your FAA Medical. Thats why you need to find someone that does. IMHO the best way to do that is by consulting with an AME.

Also with all due respect to clergy of any sort I don't think most are equipped to help someone suffering with depression. I think they may be great at helping someone through moral delemias or sorrow or how the tenants of their religion can help a person though a hard time or even achieve acceptance of certain inevitable things but depression needs to be treated by a mental health professional.

you can get out of this with some effort.
 
You have something pretty solid to be depressed about (although if all I had to do was play Xbox all day, I'd be pretty happy about it. Then again, I have a nearly limitless capacity for lassitude). Since its your situation you are unhappy with, medication is not the only answer.

Obviously, changing your situation is what you need to do. A job is a good start, though I can see the source of your trepidation. It is a very hard thing indeed to have a career as a military spouse due to the frequent translocations. I thought Greg gave you some very good suggestions. You are what we in the academic world call a capture. You have been forced into your locality because of your spouse's situation. As such you are likely a bargain waiting to be had for any number of local firms, who would be glad of the opportunity to have you there.

Of course, another possibility is volunteer work in your community. There is never a shortage of opportunities even in the smallest community, such work does keep one busy, contributes to the community, and looks great on a resume.

Of course, if your husband is cool with the situation, you can always start scratch building that Stearman you've always wanted.

Last but not least, you are not a CFI. You are not a worker at a company. You are a human being capable of a great many things. I've seen lots of folks who define themselves by their work to the point where they're derailed when the work goes away. You don't have to be.

No matter what you do, you've got to be the one to do it. Good luck.
 
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To the OP, please contact me offlist. I can refer you to a military chaplain who is a private pilot and owns a cherokee. I'm sure he's not anywhere near your posting, and can he provide quite a bit of insight and ideas for you to consider.

But as a start...


  1. If you are near a town or city, immediately go find a volunteer situation.
  2. Is there a school around either on base or off? Offer your talents in an afterschool program to teach the kids about aviation.
  3. Does the school have courses in STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering & Math)? Offer to provide real-world knowledge using aviation as a teaching tool.
  4. Are you a CAP member? If not, you can join as an Aerospace Education specialist (altho CAP prefers you are teaching a course).
  5. Is there a CAP wing anywhere nearby? Join - in short time you can be flying as soon as you're checked out.
  6. List 3 things you've always wanted to do or learn but never had time or inclination - you now have the opportunity.
  7. Is there a junior or community college nearby? If so, take a class or even better, propose to the school an FAA-approved ground school program for the Sport Pilot and/or Private Pilot certificate. I'll bet because there's a large aviation component at the base, lots of the kids are really familiar with aviation but never had the opportunity to get involved at an early age.
  8. Is there an EAA chapter nearby? Go join.
  9. If it's less than 2 years since you left the defense contractor, your security clearance(s) are still viable. There's alway contracting business around any and every base - go job hunting. In fact, if you left your last position under very favorable situation, contact them and see if they have any ideas or partners or 'relationships' in your area. Might find another job real soon.
  10. If the entire environment/culture is not to your liking, find something away from the base, it'll provide some balance to the military environment (altho the local area will still be dominated by the base).
  11. Get a pet, one that can travel to your next posting. If his posting is a TDY or in hostile area, the odds are you won't be going along, so the pet won't be an issue. You'll be forced to get up every morning to feed the pet and take care of it.
 
That helps a lot. I have done some (we have pets), some isn't helpful (school? I just finished my second masters, no more for a while) but a lot I haven't thought about.

I've given up on the job. To the person who said I'm not a CFI or worker, that's exactly what I want counseling to help me work through. Without the therapist screwing up my medical.

I'll shoot you a note once I'm not typing on a phone.
 
I think that Murphey has many great suggestions! Beyond that I just want to add that I can sympathize with what you are feeling and I don't think it's that unusual. Society says that we should selflessly give up things for our spouses, our families, etc. However it's hard when you are the one who is giving it up and the other person seems to be receiving most of the benefit. I think there can be a combination of resentment and guilt that you feel that way. That said, I don't have much advice other than to try to make lemonade out of lemons, as Pollyanna as that sounds, or find some outlet for your talents. Good luck with whatever you decide.
 
You might try couples/relationship counseling or maybe have your husband sign up. I don't believe this type of counseling is reported. Here's a clip from the AOPA TurboMedical.

"Counseling is reportable only if it pertains to a personal substance abuse or psychiatric condition."

As you seem to know, don't get a diagnosis without discussing it first with the doc and a good AME. In fact, be careful with anything that get entered into the computer. Consulting with an AME will help prevent surprises.
 
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My only caution (which I hinted at above) is these kinds of things - right or wrong - could (or did way back when) have adverse effects on FITREPS or evaluations. Edit - meaning "the service man or woman's FITREP"
 
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Unregistered said:
That helps a lot. I have done some (we have pets), some isn't helpful (school? I just finished my second masters, no more for a while) but a lot I haven't thought about.
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And your point is? I've got an alphabet after my name and still go take classes that amuse me. Like freshman music theory, intro to Astronomy, and other silly things. I've even complete the first of 3 courses for the A&P, just because I didn't have a job at the time and hate to sit around.
I've given up on the job. To the person who said I'm not a CFI or worker, that's exactly what I want counseling to help me work through. Without the therapist screwing up my medical.
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You don't need therapy. A shot of really good Single Malt or perhaps a pint of Ben & Jerry's. You need to accept that there are stupid, ignorant people who don't know much and profess to know all. Ignore them.

If you have a plastic card issued by the FAA that states you have a Commercial and Instrument, and possibly the FOI/BGI/AGI/IGI, then you are a CFI and only the FAA can say otherwise. You are a CFI.

You are dealing with three of the most drastic life-changes possible, all at one time: marriage, loss of job and a move. And you really expect to be Happy Happy Joy Joy all the time? A little reality check here, please!

Pick the silliest thing you like to do, then go do it. You'll be amazed at how much better you're gonna feel.
 
Unregistered said:
I've given up on the job.
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Never give up. Ever. You're an Airma-, er, Airperson. We fly the ship all the way to the crash!

Unregistered said:
To the person who said I'm not a CFI or worker, that's exactly what I want counseling to help me work through. Without the therapist screwing up my medical.
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That person here. Might be hard, but if you can stop identifying yourself with your job, it will help. The job is something you do, not who you are. The important thing is not that you did a particular job. What matters is that you did it successfully. That means you have the intelligence, drive, and personalty to succeed in the future.

Believe it or not you've taken an absolutely critical step. You've realized that you could use some help. That doesn't make you weak or defective, but insightful and intelligent. Lots of people need help, but are too stubborn or stupid to seek it. I'm hopeful one of the other posters can hook you up with someone who can assist you. I wish you the best. I wish I could do more, but this sort of thing just ain't my bag. I have no doubt there will be someone either in your community or the pilot community who can help you work through this. Good luck.
 
Whoops! I misread steingar's response that you are not a CFI. And I'm glad he clarified it and let me agree. When employed, I'm usually a DOD contractor, too. One aspect I had to learn (the hard way) is that when we go thru reviews, and are incredibly vicious, it's not personal. I'm not on trial, my work is. And more important, I'm not defined by my work.
 
To the OP:

First off, this is not clinical depression in my opinion (not a doctor). I'll tell you my story and what I did.

Some years back, I had a very dark period in my life when my sister committed suicide and my marriage was failing. I frequently couldn't get myself off the couch when I got home from work.

For approximately nine months, I went to a therapist. It took several tries to find one who fit me - you need someone who fits you. When I found one who was a good fit, it was excellent. He helped me to regain my positive state of mind, deal with the life changes that were going on, and in the end I came out a much better person.

No medications were ever involved. I was never diagnosed with depression, it was simply needing to talk to someone who could help me get my life back in order. It sounds to me like you need the same. It never came up on my medical.

Ultimately, you need to figure out what you want to do. It sounds to me like a lot of changes have happened in your life, ones that you've not come to terms with. A good therapist will help with this, and it shouldn't impact your medical any. Good luck - you'll be fine.
 
ejensen said:
You might try couples/relationship counseling or maybe have your husband sign up. I don't believe this type of counseling is reported. Here's a clip from the AOPA TurboMedical.

"Counseling is reportable only if it pertains to a personal substance abuse or psychiatric condition."

As you seem to know, don't get a diagnosis without discussing it first with the doc and a good AME. In fact, be careful with anything that get entered into the computer. Consulting with an AME will help prevent surprises.
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Unfortunately, couples counseling involving any military, particularly flight ops, is not exactly looked upon by the upper echelon as a positive act. There's still far too much of the Macho Man/Little Woman Deals With It And Doesn't Impose More Stress On Our Hero attitude. The impression it gives is that Our Hero can't manage his home, so how on earth can he manage a multi-million $$$ aircraft?
 
Actually, he's been encouraged to go, to help me. Only catch, it must be a chaplain because of his PRP status.

In that respect, I'm glad his command doesn't see me as the typical spouse. They see me as someone who had a lot and lost it. It helps that I'm not the psycho wife who shows up at the squadron in tears and they know my work history. Otherwise I think it would be like you said.
 
FWIW - I gave up on the whole medical thing. It wasn't exactly the end of the world - A little LSA taildragger suits me just fine.

Sometimes family / life is more important than a FAA medical.

I have no regrets.
 
The AME CFI has one useful comment: "marriage counseling" is not reportable on the 8500-8. It is SPECIFICALLY exempted. And it that is the heading for getting some confidential soundings (from a licensed counselor) about your current situation, then so be it :).
 
Unregistered said:
Actually, he's been encouraged to go, to help me. Only catch, it must be a chaplain because of his PRP status.
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Ah yes, the Security Clearance issue. BTDT. How about an O6 Navy Chaplain with flight status and multiple tours "over there somewhere"?

In that respect, I'm glad his command doesn't see me as the typical spouse. They see me as someone who had a lot and lost it. It helps that I'm not the psycho wife who shows up at the squadron in tears and they know my work history. Otherwise I think it would be like you said.
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*whew*

In other words, they're on your side (actually his, but keeping you happy keeps him happy) to work this out.
 
bbchien said:
The AME CFI has one useful comment: "marriage counseling" is not reportable on the 8500-8. It is SPECIFICALLY exempted. And it that is the heading for getting some confidential soundings (from a licensed counselor) about your current situation, then so be it :).
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Thanks. :) I knew that, but my fear is that if I go in for marriage counseling alone, a counselor will diagnose me with "adjustment disorder" just to put a name on it. I may try to start this whole thing off as marriage counseling, and bail if I see a diagnosis coming.

Thanks for the ideas everyone. It's very much appreciated.
 
My suggestion:

Go fly. Gotta be an airport somewhere where you can get checked out in a 172 and then go solo and point wherever the winds take you for a while. That has an amazing way of putting the world back in order sometimes, putting things back into perspective. :)
 
They say military makes or breaks relationships, it's the constant lack of constants or sudden post tranfers that push the limits of any sane family member. TONS of great suggestions here, and I've gotta stand behind the ones who said CAP!!!
Im a product of the Cadet Program myself, and in the 5 years I was part of it I learned about lots of cool stuff. Every state has a wing, and they're in the phonebook, err online. If you join the organization, I'm sure it could be your constant, no matter where (in the U.S.) yall wind up...They're the Auxilliary of the U.S. Air Force so I doubt they'd be insensitive about the real military lifestyle. :D
Hang in there! Have some faith, go fly and meet people. Before you know it you'll have an even bigger network of friends and students than when you moved.
 
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