Keith Lane
Pattern Altitude
A friend of mine sent this.
I laughed.
Since I was in the Navy and on board a ship for 3 ½ years all I can tell you is that this is as close as it gets.
Enjoy,
PH2 George D. Wade
X-Div
USS Iwo Jima (LPH-2)
FPO New York, NY 09501
The Navy - It's not a job it's an adventure. For those who have watched the movie "TOP GUN" and one too many episodes of "JAG," a do-it-yourself kit to sample real Navy life is now available. If you suffer from illusions of liberty in exotic ports and flying Tomcats with Tom Cruise, you can experience real Navy life in the comfort of your own home.
Follow these easy instructions with the aid of your family and friends to recreate the untold joys of Navy life.
Module 1 : Living Aboard Ship
1. Buy a dumpster, chip the paint off down to bare metal, paint it gray, and live in it for six months. {Coast Guard simulations use white paint.}
2. Run all the piping and the wires inside your house on the outside of the walls. Place eight handles on every door.
3. Repaint your entire house once a month.
4. Place metal barriers on the lower 18" of every door in your house.
5. Pump ten inches of nasty half sewage water into your basement. Pump it out, clean up the mess, and paint everything in the basement gray. Repeat frequently for added realism.
6. On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, on Tuesday and Thursday set the temperature at 10 degrees. On Saturday and Sunday inform your family that they used too much water during the week and as a result all showering is secured.
7. Stack all beds on top of one another in the closet. Raise your bed to within six inches of the ceiling. Stow all your clothing and possessions in a 36" x 18" x 12" locker. If anyone is sick and throwing up put them in the top bunk.
8. Give the keys to your house to your next door neighbor. Have him enter your bedroom every morning at 0530 (5:30 am), and blow a whistle loud enough for Helen Keller to hear. Instruct the neighbor to shout in a amplified megaphone six inches from your ear, "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lit in all authorized spaces."
9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she is going to do for the following day. You and your family stand in the back yard at 0600 (6 am) while mother-in-law reads her "Plan of the Day" (POD) to you. Repeat this everyday except Sunday, unless you are simulating "at sea" in which case do it seven days a week.
10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours. Hang a sign on the hatch (door) that reads, "Secured - Contact OA Div at X-3053."
Module 2 : Evolutions
1. Sit in your car and let it run for four hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off."
2. Before leaving or arriving at any location require your family to stand on the hood of the car for the preceding hour. [Special Sea Detail]
3. Empty all the garbage cans in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day even if they don't require it. [Sweepers]
4. Stand in the sun for an hour without moving a muscle while someone reads the Old Testament book of Numbers to you. [Change of Command, Retirement, etc.]
Module 3 : Work and Watch Standing
1. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawn mower. If you miss a week or fudge complete disassembly, hold a trial and restrict yourself to the house for a month.
2. Require your family to qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (example: Qualified Dishwasher Operator, Qualified Blender Technician, Qualified Toaster Operator, etc.). Hold weekly one hour classes after working hours on such enlightened topics as "Breathing," "Hand Washing," and "Walking."
3. Walk around your car for four hours, check the tire pressure, oil level, and fuel level every 15 minutes and keep an accurate log (record book) of the readings.
4. Don your Sunday best and go stand on your front porch for four hours. [Tnx - CWO4 Al Canfield]
5. Periodically run your life on an "8 on 8 off" routine. Work 8 hours at your normal day job. Take care of your personal matters during the next 8 hours. On the next 8 hours off, have an 18 wheeler from your grocer distributor pull up in front of your house. Gather all your neighbors, form a human chain gang from the truck down to your basement (be sure to route it through the backyard to avoid "officer's country"). Pass all of the contents of the truck hand-to-hand down to the basement. Turn your cap around and go on your normal work shift. Repeat the process the next 8 off shift, but this time unload a truckload of high explosives. [Tnx - David W. Den Beste]
Module 4 : Quality of Life
1. Invite 200 to 1000 of your not-so-closest friends to come over. Board up all the windows and doors to your house for six months. After 6 months take down the boards. But, since you're on duty, wave at your family through the front window of your home. You and one third of the "friends" can't leave until the next day.
2. Shower, eat, and sleep with the above mentioned friends never more than an arm's length away. Instruct 10% of the "friends" NOT to shower on a regular basis and an additional 10% NOT to change clothes more than once a month.
3. Cook all your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can reach. Fry everything. Serve cold. [Special note: You must not gain weight on this diet and while locked in the house for six months.]
4. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month. Instruct them to lose every fifth item and to send every other week's mail randomly to Japan or Italy.
5. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.
6. Have your 5 year old cousin give you a hair cut with hedge clippers.
7. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
8. Work at McDonalds for five years. Do NOT get promoted (even to "Fry's Manager").
9. Needle gun (compressed air powered impact device for paint chipping) the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.
10. Instruct your doctor to only dispense "aspirin" to you no matter what the ailment or complaint.
11. Gather all the neighborhood washing and mix the clothing in a pile. Rip off every other button, pour bleach directly on the pile, stuff the washing machine to maximum capacity, DO NOT separate by colors. Partially dry items and redistribute the "clean" items in a random fashion.
Module 5 : Leave and Liberty
1. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the worst part of town, find the most run down trashy bar, pay $10 per beer, and then walk home in the freezing cold.
2. Submit a special request chit (form) to your father-in-law, asking if it is okay for you to leave your house before 1500 (3 pm). You must submit the request form two days in advance. Instruct your father-in-law to hide for added realism.
3. Spend two weeks in the filthiest sea port red light districts of Europe, and call it "world travel."
Ah! Navy life! Sailors love to complain, but most wouldn't trade the experience for anything - once it is ten years in the past
I laughed.
Since I was in the Navy and on board a ship for 3 ½ years all I can tell you is that this is as close as it gets.
Enjoy,
PH2 George D. Wade
X-Div
USS Iwo Jima (LPH-2)
FPO New York, NY 09501
The Navy - It's not a job it's an adventure. For those who have watched the movie "TOP GUN" and one too many episodes of "JAG," a do-it-yourself kit to sample real Navy life is now available. If you suffer from illusions of liberty in exotic ports and flying Tomcats with Tom Cruise, you can experience real Navy life in the comfort of your own home.
Follow these easy instructions with the aid of your family and friends to recreate the untold joys of Navy life.
Module 1 : Living Aboard Ship
1. Buy a dumpster, chip the paint off down to bare metal, paint it gray, and live in it for six months. {Coast Guard simulations use white paint.}
2. Run all the piping and the wires inside your house on the outside of the walls. Place eight handles on every door.
3. Repaint your entire house once a month.
4. Place metal barriers on the lower 18" of every door in your house.
5. Pump ten inches of nasty half sewage water into your basement. Pump it out, clean up the mess, and paint everything in the basement gray. Repeat frequently for added realism.
6. On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, on Tuesday and Thursday set the temperature at 10 degrees. On Saturday and Sunday inform your family that they used too much water during the week and as a result all showering is secured.
7. Stack all beds on top of one another in the closet. Raise your bed to within six inches of the ceiling. Stow all your clothing and possessions in a 36" x 18" x 12" locker. If anyone is sick and throwing up put them in the top bunk.
8. Give the keys to your house to your next door neighbor. Have him enter your bedroom every morning at 0530 (5:30 am), and blow a whistle loud enough for Helen Keller to hear. Instruct the neighbor to shout in a amplified megaphone six inches from your ear, "Reveille, reveille, all hands heave out and trice up. The smoking lamp is lit in all authorized spaces."
9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she is going to do for the following day. You and your family stand in the back yard at 0600 (6 am) while mother-in-law reads her "Plan of the Day" (POD) to you. Repeat this everyday except Sunday, unless you are simulating "at sea" in which case do it seven days a week.
10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock the bathroom door for 12 hours. Hang a sign on the hatch (door) that reads, "Secured - Contact OA Div at X-3053."
Module 2 : Evolutions
1. Sit in your car and let it run for four hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lit off."
2. Before leaving or arriving at any location require your family to stand on the hood of the car for the preceding hour. [Special Sea Detail]
3. Empty all the garbage cans in your house and sweep the driveway three times a day even if they don't require it. [Sweepers]
4. Stand in the sun for an hour without moving a muscle while someone reads the Old Testament book of Numbers to you. [Change of Command, Retirement, etc.]
Module 3 : Work and Watch Standing
1. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawn mower. If you miss a week or fudge complete disassembly, hold a trial and restrict yourself to the house for a month.
2. Require your family to qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (example: Qualified Dishwasher Operator, Qualified Blender Technician, Qualified Toaster Operator, etc.). Hold weekly one hour classes after working hours on such enlightened topics as "Breathing," "Hand Washing," and "Walking."
3. Walk around your car for four hours, check the tire pressure, oil level, and fuel level every 15 minutes and keep an accurate log (record book) of the readings.
4. Don your Sunday best and go stand on your front porch for four hours. [Tnx - CWO4 Al Canfield]
5. Periodically run your life on an "8 on 8 off" routine. Work 8 hours at your normal day job. Take care of your personal matters during the next 8 hours. On the next 8 hours off, have an 18 wheeler from your grocer distributor pull up in front of your house. Gather all your neighbors, form a human chain gang from the truck down to your basement (be sure to route it through the backyard to avoid "officer's country"). Pass all of the contents of the truck hand-to-hand down to the basement. Turn your cap around and go on your normal work shift. Repeat the process the next 8 off shift, but this time unload a truckload of high explosives. [Tnx - David W. Den Beste]
Module 4 : Quality of Life
1. Invite 200 to 1000 of your not-so-closest friends to come over. Board up all the windows and doors to your house for six months. After 6 months take down the boards. But, since you're on duty, wave at your family through the front window of your home. You and one third of the "friends" can't leave until the next day.
2. Shower, eat, and sleep with the above mentioned friends never more than an arm's length away. Instruct 10% of the "friends" NOT to shower on a regular basis and an additional 10% NOT to change clothes more than once a month.
3. Cook all your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can reach. Fry everything. Serve cold. [Special note: You must not gain weight on this diet and while locked in the house for six months.]
4. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month. Instruct them to lose every fifth item and to send every other week's mail randomly to Japan or Italy.
5. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.
6. Have your 5 year old cousin give you a hair cut with hedge clippers.
7. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.
8. Work at McDonalds for five years. Do NOT get promoted (even to "Fry's Manager").
9. Needle gun (compressed air powered impact device for paint chipping) the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.
10. Instruct your doctor to only dispense "aspirin" to you no matter what the ailment or complaint.
11. Gather all the neighborhood washing and mix the clothing in a pile. Rip off every other button, pour bleach directly on the pile, stuff the washing machine to maximum capacity, DO NOT separate by colors. Partially dry items and redistribute the "clean" items in a random fashion.
Module 5 : Leave and Liberty
1. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the worst part of town, find the most run down trashy bar, pay $10 per beer, and then walk home in the freezing cold.
2. Submit a special request chit (form) to your father-in-law, asking if it is okay for you to leave your house before 1500 (3 pm). You must submit the request form two days in advance. Instruct your father-in-law to hide for added realism.
3. Spend two weeks in the filthiest sea port red light districts of Europe, and call it "world travel."
Ah! Navy life! Sailors love to complain, but most wouldn't trade the experience for anything - once it is ten years in the past
