INIGO AND FEZZIK,
hurrying inside. FEZZIK carries Westley who is just starting to stiffen up a little. He lays Westley down across a bench by the fireplace, picks Westley's arm up and lets it drop limp.
MIRACLE MAX
I've seen worse.
He studies Westley a moment, checking here, checking there.
INIGO
Sir. Sir.
MIRACLE MAX
Hah?
INIGO
We're really in a terrible rush.
MIRACLE MAX
(He takes nothing from nobody)
Don't rush me, sonny. You rush a miracle man, you get rotten miracles. You got money?
INIGO
Sixty-five.
MIRACLE MAX
Sheesh! I never worked for so little, except once, and that was a very noble cause.
INIGO
This is noble, sir.
(pointing to Westley)
His wife is crippled. His children are on the brink of starvation.
MIRACLE MAX
Are you a rotten liar.
INIGO
I need him to help avenge my father, murdered these twenty years.
MIRACLE MAX
Your first story was better.
(looking around)
Where's that bellows?
(spots it)
He probably owes you money, huh? Well, I'll ask him.
He goes to get a huge bellows.
INIGO
(stupefied)
He's dead. He can't talk.
MIRACLE MAX
Look who knows so much. Well, it just so happens that your friend here is only mostly dead. There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Please open his mouth.
Inigo does. Max inserts the bellows in Westley's mouth and starts to pump.
MIRACLE MAX
Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do.
INIGO
What's that?
He stops pumping.
MIRACLE MAX
Go through his clothes and look for loose change.
He starts pumping again.
MIRACLE MAX
(to Westley)
Hey! Hello in there. Hey! What's so important? What you got here that's worth living for?
And he presses lightly on Westley's chest.
WESTLEY
... tr ... oooo .... luv...
Everybody stares at Westley lying there on the bench.
INIGO
True love. You heard him. You could not ask for a more noble cause than that.
MIRACLE MAX
Sonny, true love is the greatest thing in the world. Except for a nice MLT, a mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. They're so perky, I love that. But that's not what he said. He distinctly said "to blave." And, as we all know, "to blave" means "to bluff." So you're probably playing cards, and he cheated --
A WOMAN'S VOICE
-- Liar -- LIAR-LI-A-A-AR --
VALERIE, an ancient fury, storms out of a back room and toward
MIRACLE MAX
-- get back, witch --
VALERIE
I'm not a witch, I'm your wife. But after what you just said, I'm not even sure I want to be that anymore.
MIRACLE MAX
You never had it so good.
VALERIE
"True love." He said, "true love," Max. My God --
MIRACLE MAX
(retreating)
Don't say another word, Valerie.
VALERIE
(turning to Inigo and FEZZIK)
He's afraid. Ever since Prince Humperdinck fired him, his confidence is shattered.
MIRACLE MAX
Why'd you say that name -- you promised me that you would never say that name --
VALERIE
(pursuing him now)
What, Humperdinck? Humperdinck. Humperdinck. Ooo-ooo, Humperdinck --
MIRACLE MAX
(holding his hands over his ears)
I'm not listening.
VALERIE
A life expiring and you don't have the decency to say why you won't help --
MIRACLE MAX
Nobody's hearing nothing!
VALERIE
Humperdinck. Humperdinck! Humperdinck!
INIGO
-- But this is Buttercup's true love -- If you heal him, he will stop Humperdinck's wedding.
VALERIE
Humperdinck. Humperdinck --
MIRACLE MAX
(to Valerie)
Shut up --
(now to Inigo)
Wait. Wait. I make him better, Humperdinck suffers?
INIGO
Humiliations galore!
MIRACLE MAX
That is a noble cause. Give me the sixty-five, I'm on the job.
And as Valerie shrieks excitedly we
CUT TO:
THIS LUMP.
It is somewhat smaller than a tennis ball.
PULL BACK TO REVEAL MAX AND VALERIE, exhausted, looking at the lump with beautific pleasure, as Valerie, cooking utensil in hand, covers the thing with what looks like chocolate. Inigo and FEZZIK stare at the thing too, but more dubiously.
INIGO
(a little appalled)
That's a miracle pill?
(Max nods)
VALERIE
(finishing)
The chocolate coating makes it go down easier. But you have to wait fifteen minutes for full potency. And you shouldn't go swimming after, for at least, what?
MIRACLE MAX
An hour.
VALERIE
Yeah, an hour.
MIRACLE MAX
A good hour. Yeah.
Inigo accepts the pill as FEZZIK takes Westley, who is stiff as a board now.
INIGO
(heading out the door, FEZZIKclose behind)
Thank you for everything.
MIRACLE MAX
Okay.
VALERIE
(waving after them)
Bye-bye, boys.
MIRACLE MAX
Have fun storming the castle.
VALERIE
(to Max)
Think it'll work?
MIRACLE MAX
It would take a miracle. Bye!
VALERIE
Bye.