My Son and Alcohol

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I am a long-time member of the POA and need some advice. I would rather remain anonymous.
We have a personal problem with one of our sons. He is 28 years old and now living at home with us. Before we moved him back home, he had lost his job and wasn't able to or even really motivated to find another job. He wasn't eating and had lost a lot weight. This is when we found out he had a drinking problem. He said he had a problem with alcohol since college. He had a DUI and his court case is pending.
He is now living with us and has recently started another job. For the first few months, he didn't have any alcohol because we disabled his car; he was eating well and was gaining weight. He didn't have any physical alcohol withdrawal symptoms. He does smoke a lot. However, since he has money now, he has begun drinking again in great amounts. We have told him no drinking while he lives here (and he agreed to this), but he is not adhering to this. He says drinking is the only thing he enjoys and he doesn't see the problem. He will be going for an alcohol assessment because of his DUI, but has said he doesn't want to get counseling / therapy.
We want to move him out of our home to his own apartment, but have concerns he will lose his job after he leaves here because of his drinking and resulting performance issues. If he loses this job, we don't see how he can get another one, because he had so much trouble finding this one.
He has a car, but when he is sentenced for his DUI, will probably lose the right to drive. He says he plans to drive anyway. We know he has driven while intoxicated since he started his job. We gave him rides to/from work to stop this, but he says now that he needs his car during the day to make bank deposits for work. He frequently calls at the end of his shift saying he has to stay later. We now assume he is leaving on time and is going to buy alcohol.
He simply does not seem to care about anything. (Ex: didn't file his taxes, didn't register his car when due, etc). He would be content to live the rest of his life in a small bedroom, playing with his laptop. Who wouldn't? Free room and board! We haven't yet starting rent because he didn't have money and now we just want him out. It seems like there is a component of depression because of the way he acts. He lies, but they are always potentially feasible. We would like to believe him, but don't think we can. We just took the door to his room off so he can't drink in his room...hopefully.
What can we do to help him? We don't want to enable him to continue what he's doing, but it's very hard to just let him fall apart, which is what will probably happen. This is just killing us. We know we need to seek counseling for ourselves. We need to end this soon. What should we do?
I know that this is the Internet, but I also know there are some medical professionals and other good people who use this site who may be able to offer some advice.
Thanks to everyone who responds.
 
What about installing a breathalyzer on his car?
I had a friend that got a DUI in college and they made him add one of those.

That is not going to solve the problem but will reduce the likelihood of him killing himself or another driver.
 
Unregistered said:
I am a long-time member of the POA and need some advice. I would rather remain anonymous.
We have a personal problem with one of our sons. He is 28 years old and now living at home with us. Before we moved him back home, he had lost his job and wasn't able to or even really motivated to find another job. He wasn't eating and had lost a lot weight. This is when we found out he had a drinking problem. He said he had a problem with alcohol since college. He had a DUI and his court case is pending.
He is now living with us and has recently started another job. For the first few months, he didn't have any alcohol because we disabled his car; he was eating well and was gaining weight. He didn't have any physical alcohol withdrawal symptoms. He does smoke a lot. However, since he has money now, he has begun drinking again in great amounts. We have told him no drinking while he lives here (and he agreed to this), but he is not adhering to this. He says drinking is the only thing he enjoys and he doesn't see the problem. He will be going for an alcohol assessment because of his DUI, but has said he doesn't want to get counseling / therapy.
We want to move him out of our home to his own apartment, but have concerns he will lose his job after he leaves here because of his drinking and resulting performance issues. If he loses this job, we don't see how he can get another one, because he had so much trouble finding this one.
He has a car, but when he is sentenced for his DUI, will probably lose the right to drive. He says he plans to drive anyway. We know he has driven while intoxicated since he started his job. We gave him rides to/from work to stop this, but he says now that he needs his car during the day to make bank deposits for work. He frequently calls at the end of his shift saying he has to stay later. We now assume he is leaving on time and is going to buy alcohol.
He simply does not seem to care about anything. (Ex: didn't file his taxes, didn't register his car when due, etc). He would be content to live the rest of his life in a small bedroom, playing with his laptop. Who wouldn't? Free room and board! We haven't yet starting rent because he didn't have money and now we just want him out. It seems like there is a component of depression because of the way he acts. He lies, but they are always potentially feasible. We would like to believe him, but don't think we can. We just took the door to his room off so he can't drink in his room...hopefully.
What can we do to help him? We don't want to enable him to continue what he's doing, but it's very hard to just let him fall apart, which is what will probably happen. This is just killing us. We know we need to seek counseling for ourselves. We need to end this soon. What should we do?
I know that this is the Internet, but I also know there are some medical professionals and other good people who use this site who may be able to offer some advice.
Thanks to everyone who responds.
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My sympathies sir. I too had a son who drank in college to excess and got a DUI. He is about the same age as your son. There are no correct answers to this problem, of course. we as parents want our kids to be self-sufficient and strong. Some are not.

Do you as a parent continue to watch over your son till you die?

Or do you let him go and watch him struggle, decline and possibly fail.

No one can answer that for you. And no one can know how tough this is unless they have it happening to them.
 
Nothing, you can do absolutely nothing to help him. You can support him, or you can let him fall, but you cannot help, only he can. You are completely powerless in this matter.
 
Simple: as long as he lives in your house he doesn't drink.

If he chooses to drink, he can live elsewhere.

You are enabling his drinking by putting a roof over his head. . . .

It goes like this:

"Son, your mother and I are concerned about your drinking and your lifestyle. While you may disagree, this is our home and here are the rules in our home:

You may not consume alcohol and you may not be intoxicated in this house.

Rent starts September 1. The amount is $XXX without access to the fridge and $YYY with.

If you cannot do either, then we need you to move out."

By letting him stay in your home without any responsibilities and allowing him to consume alcohol you enable his further laziness and drinking.

Yes - its tough love. And it is going to be harder on his mother than on him. But if he an alcoholic then he needs help. He is too old to covered on your health plan, even under Obama care, so he needs to get insurance then get into rehab. . . .

OR - he needs to keep drinking, end up in a gutter somewhere and realize, for himself, he needs to stop drinking.

You are not going to have an influence on his drinking - alcoholics need to make the decision for themselves. Meanwhile, you guys need to find a Family AA meeting and go deal with your guilt over what you have to do . . . .
 
Sometimes you have to hit rock botttom. Every drunk who made it on the path to recovery on their own found that moment.

Sorry, but if he's drinking and driving, he belongs in jail, not in your house. Tough love is not easy.
 
As an adult this is his problem, not yours. It's a tough concept to accept, but you must for your own sanity. I would suggest you and your wife find an AlAnon group. Your problem is sadly all too common, but you don't have to face it alone. My prayers are with you for HIS recovery, which he must come to on his own.

BTW, I have a number of friends who are recovering alcoholics. I admire their courage and strength. Recovery is not easy but can be done.
 
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First, my heart goes out to you are your family.

Having said that it is time for tough love. He is 28 and an adult. Stop enabling him. He must abide by your rules in your house or move out. If he moves out stop all contact with him (until he stops drinking) until the destructive behavior ends. His lack of compassion and caring for YOUR feeling is proof enough to me he will not change under your roof.

Would you come home drunk in your dad's house? :dunno: :no:

The DUI will most likely require him (based on the state) to attend AA or similar. If I were you I would contact the prosecuting DA and tell him what you wrote here. The DA can then force him into AA or rehab as part of his sentence.

Until he hits rock bottom he will continue to muddle along with the distinct possibility of killing himself or someone else in a wreck as a drunk driver. If he is drinking again he is driving drunk to get home.

You have tried to raise him to be responsible I am sure, but continued hand holding will only further cripple him and enable his destructive behavior.

Time to cut the apron strings.

Good luck, its going to be a bumpy ride.
 
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Lance F said:
As an adult this is his problem, not yours. It's a tough concept to accept, but you must for your own sanity. I would suggest you and your wife find an AlAnon group. Your problem is sadly all too common, but you don't have to face it alone. My prayers are with you for HIS recovery, which he must come to on his own.

BTW, I have a number of friends who are recovering alcoholics. I admire their courage and strength. Recovery is not easy but can be done.
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AlAnon is an excellent suggestion. :yes:

If you are unfamiliar they work with partents and family members of alcoholics.

http://Al-Anon.Alateen.org/?gclid=C...q5gXMVB8mBZd9C-NJHV0jSVoD59bhWl3hehoCh8Lw_wcB

Millions of people are affected by the excessive drinking of someone close. The following questions are designed to help you decide whether or not you need Al-Anon:
*1. Do you worry about how much someone drinks?
*2. Do you have money problems because of someone else’s drinking?
*3. Do you tell lies to cover up for someone else’s drinking?
*4. Do you feel that if the drinker cared about you, he or she would stop drinking to please you?
*5. Do you blame the drinker’s behavior on his or her companions?
*6. Are plans frequently upset or canceled or meals delayed because of the drinker?
*7. Do you make threats, such as, “If you don’t stop drinking, I’ll leave you”?
*8. Do you secretly try to smell the drinker’s breath?
*9. Are you afraid to upset someone for fear it will set off a drinking bout?
*10. Have you been hurt or embarrassed by a drinker’s behavior?
*11. Are holidays and gatherings spoiled because of drinking?
*12. Have you considered calling the police for help in fear of abuse?
*13. Do you search for hidden alcohol?
*14. Do you ever ride in a car with a driver who has been drinking?
*15. Have you refused social invitations out of fear or anxiety?
*16. Do you feel like a failure because you can’t control the drinking?
*17. Do you think that if the drinker stopped drinking, your other problems would be solved?
*18. Do you ever threaten to hurt yourself to scare the drinker?
*19. Do you feel angry, confused, or depressed most of the time?
*20. Do you feel there is no one who understands your problems?
If you have checked any of these questions, Al-Anon or Alateen may be able to help.*Find a meeting now.
 
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Before you can seek a course of action, you have to understand why he drinks. Why is the only time he's happy is when he's all drunk? As for the tough love thing, throw him out, quit enabling... That can go both ways with consequences many can not ever forgive themselves for. Tread lightly, tread carefully, get some professional help involved.
 
You can't fix this, but you can explain to him at every opportunity that he has a problem and needs to fix it. Denial seems to be the hallmark of alcoholism. He needs professional help, this will just get worse and worse. Make sure you are not enabling him. Personally I would be honest with him and anyone else who asks what is up with him. that he has a problem. My limited experience with alcoholics is that they think everyone else is responsible for their problems when they are drinking.

The bottom line is that he is the only one who can fix this, with PROFESSIONAL help, they have some good meds that will stop the cravings and helped someone I know who had this issue.

At 28 years old, I would have no problem telling him to leave. I would not give him a dime until he is sober and back on his feet, otherwise you will just make it worse.

Just remember, he needs to fix this himself, you can't fix it for him.
 
A couple more Al-Anon questions:

21. do you take the door off your child's bedroom hoping they don't drink;
22. when you wake up at 3a to urinate, do you go check on your child to see if they are drinking while you are asleep?
23. have you moved all of your liquor and wine into the closet in your bedroom?
 
AggieMike88 said:
I would add attending AA meetings to Joe's list.

For yourselves, Al Anon http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/
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Forcing someone to attend an AA meeting generally has success rate of zero. . . . drinkers who have not admitted to alcoholism don't see themselves as being at that point yet -

Sure - the courts may order attendance but in most large cities AA has set up court ordered meetings - because they know that these folks are not there yet . . . and they don't want to waste the time of people who are really trying .. .
 
Wow. I have four young boys, so this is one of the things I am terrified of having to face one day.

I am so sorry for your situation. A lot of great advice here. I hope you can stay strong through it all. Best wishes.
 
comanchepilot said:
Forcing someone to attend an AA meeting generally has success rate of zero. . . . drinkers who have not admitted to alcoholism don't see themselves as being at that point yet -

Sure - the courts may order attendance but in most large cities AA has set up court ordered meetings - because they know that these folks are not there yet . . . and they don't want to waste the time of people who are really trying .. .
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All 100% true, :yes:

but the intro to AA is (hopefully) of value in the future, when it is their decision to join, and not the courts. Lots of members relapse and start over. Its a process that must begin somewhere.
 
comanchepilot said:
Simple: as long as he lives in your house he doesn't drink.

If he chooses to drink, he can live elsewhere.

You are enabling his drinking by putting a roof over his head. . . .

It goes like this:

"Son, your mother and I are concerned about your drinking and your lifestyle. While you may disagree, this is our home and here are the rules in our home:

You may not consume alcohol and you may not be intoxicated in this house.

Rent starts September 1. The amount is $XXX without access to the fridge and $YYY with.

If you cannot do either, then we need you to move out."

By letting him stay in your home without any responsibilities and allowing him to consume alcohol you enable his further laziness and drinking.

Yes - its tough love. And it is going to be harder on his mother than on him. But if he an alcoholic then he needs help. He is too old to covered on your health plan, even under Obama care, so he needs to get insurance then get into rehab. . . .

OR - he needs to keep drinking, end up in a gutter somewhere and realize, for himself, he needs to stop drinking.

You are not going to have an influence on his drinking - alcoholics need to make the decision for themselves. Meanwhile, you guys need to find a Family AA meeting and go deal with your guilt over what you have to do . . . .
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I agree with all this. And going to Alanon.
 
+1 on all the "tough love" replies. If it were my son, the next time he left the house, his room would be cleaned out, his bags would be waiting for him outside, and all the locks on the house would be changed.

When he came back, I'd give him enough money to live on for a couple months, and tell him he can either use it to get his life back on track, or get drunk in the gutter. His choice.

Good luck with your situation, and I truly hope he turns himself around!
 
Henning said:
Before you can seek a course of action, you have to understand why he drinks. Why is the only time he's happy is when he's all drunk? As for the tough love thing, throw him out, quit enabling... That can go both ways with consequences many can not ever forgive themselves for. Tread lightly, tread carefully, get some professional help involved.
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Completely wrong. You are enabling a 28 year old to drink, possibly kill someone in a drunken accident. Go to alanon and get some support. No one cares why he drinks. He will provide a lot of reasons why , that are not the least bit helpful or truthful. Letting him live in your home free, no job and drinking is very harmful to him and to you. The answers are in alanon and A.A. He does not need any drugs. He's already on a real bad one. His answers are totally immature and harmful. Stop enabling him!
 
I hope this is what you wanted to hear . . . many of us have had friends and family in the bottle.

Compassion for you is universal, but don't become a doormat out a sense of love or compassion [or obligation].

The only thing that ever works is the person with the addiction realizing they have an addiction and getting help for it. Chemical dependency in the brain is an evil thing - and often arises from a lack of proper brain chemistry - Robin Williams was reported to have a condition which reduced the amounts of dopamine in the brain, which means the only times he felt 'good' what when he was fooling his brain into thinking that it had those chemicals . . . . yes it is a disease but you can't force someone to get treated for any disease - they need to decide.

LoneAspen makes a good point about the break - you can offer your child a stint in rehab, or they have 30 days to get out. It buys them time to get work, get a paycheck and have money to get a place. however, in those situations, almost uniformly they go on a bender the last 5 days because it is a reality they cannot yet face. Then - on day 30 - stuff in boxes, packed up, locks changed and whomever is the stronger parent is there. The other parent needs to be far far away to avoid causing marital strife and pain for both of you . . . .
 
I have a family member who is very much an alcoholic. Sadly they most "stable" parts of their life are when they manage to do their drinking and not break the law. If the law does get broken, or if a family memory does try to force them down the road to recovery, things get very nasty. They become incredibly unstable without alcohol.

Put them into AA or a treatment facility that tries to shove religion down their throat (they almost all do) and they get even more unstable. You very much start to worry about if they're going to do something stupid or take their own life.

Sadly, I'm to the point now, where I'd rather see them just continue to drink and do so while trying to stay clear of the law, which they've greatly improved at over the years. At least then they are someone you can be around and interact with and someone that seems happy with their life. I've never seen anything good come of them trying to clean up. Things get really nasty.

Sadly there isn't always an answer, IMO.
 
This doesn't read to me like only a drinking problem per se. Is it possible that he is in pain and depressed? If so I would take it very seriously and get help from a professional. I would certainly consult one before going down the tough love path.
 
I feel for you; I have watched this with people very near to me.

As others have said above, you and your wife cannot fix the problem; as parents, this is difficult to accept, but your son is ill (alcoholism is an illness, not a choice), and in all reasonable likelihood, his disease will not allow him to deal with you all as he would wish in his soul. By this, I mean that, while he may be able to make all manner of encouraging promises in response to threats, only actual treatment can help him.

Al-Anon is a very good idea; in addition, you may find in AA group which resonates with your son; the first step down that path is the hardest to take, and it is not at all uncommon for multiple tries to be required. If you have ever been to an AA meeting, you have seen people who have been decades is sober, and others who have been days or weeks; the former do not regard themselves as, in any way, superior to the latter.

Best wishes to you and this gut wrenching situation.
 
Jimmy cooper said:
Completely wrong. You are enabling a 28 year old to drink, possibly kill someone in a drunken accident. Go to alanon and get some support. No one cares why he drinks. He will provide a lot of reasons why , that are not the least bit helpful or truthful. Letting him live in your home free, no job and drinking is very harmful to him and to you. The answers are in alanon and A.A. He does not need any drugs. He's already on a real bad one. His answers are totally immature and harmful. Stop enabling him!
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None of that changes regardless how the parent handles it. The only thing they can do to prevent the accident outcome is install a breathalyzer switch. Throwing him out does nothing at all to prevent the Manslaughter scenario. Getting rid of his car and driving him to the bar stands a better chance.

Intolerance is the answer our society has decided to adopt towards everything. Intolerance does not work, never has, no positive result has come from choosing that option. Look what it has done to our schools. The only way to achieve a positive result is through compassion and helpful actions. You cannot help them by either enabling or denying them. Only through enabling though can you have an impact on the outfall.

The extreme end though is that they get kicked to the curb and kill themselves. That happens, it destroys everyone.

Why does he drink? That is the question that needs to be answered before any progress is possible.
 
I will second the motion for "Tough Love".

Do not, not, NOT enable him. I have a sibling whose ex-spouse has "taken care" of them for thirty years -- meaning that they have provided the booze and cigarettes and kept them pickled every day for DECADES.

It has been an utterly wasted life. No accomplishments, no relationships, a life spent in a stupor, in isolation. Had my sibling ever been allowed to hit rock bottom, there might have been hope for recovery, but it is far too late for that now.

You have my deepest sympathy. My parents went to their graves agonizing over my sibling, and there is truly NOTHING you can do to help them until they want to help themselves.
 
Unregistered said:
I am a long-time member of the POA and need some advice. I would rather remain anonymous.
We have a personal problem with one of our sons. He is 28 years old and now living at home with us. Before we moved him back home, he had lost his job and wasn't able to or even really motivated to find another job. He wasn't eating and had lost a lot weight. This is when we found out he had a drinking problem. He said he had a problem with alcohol since college. He had a DUI and his court case is pending.
He is now living with us and has recently started another job. For the first few months, he didn't have any alcohol because we disabled his car; he was eating well and was gaining weight. He didn't have any physical alcohol withdrawal symptoms. He does smoke a lot. However, since he has money now, he has begun drinking again in great amounts. We have told him no drinking while he lives here (and he agreed to this), but he is not adhering to this. He says drinking is the only thing he enjoys and he doesn't see the problem. He will be going for an alcohol assessment because of his DUI, but has said he doesn't want to get counseling / therapy.
We want to move him out of our home to his own apartment, but have concerns he will lose his job after he leaves here because of his drinking and resulting performance issues. If he loses this job, we don't see how he can get another one, because he had so much trouble finding this one.
He has a car, but when he is sentenced for his DUI, will probably lose the right to drive. He says he plans to drive anyway. We know he has driven while intoxicated since he started his job. We gave him rides to/from work to stop this, but he says now that he needs his car during the day to make bank deposits for work. He frequently calls at the end of his shift saying he has to stay later. We now assume he is leaving on time and is going to buy alcohol.
He simply does not seem to care about anything. (Ex: didn't file his taxes, didn't register his car when due, etc). He would be content to live the rest of his life in a small bedroom, playing with his laptop. Who wouldn't? Free room and board! We haven't yet starting rent because he didn't have money and now we just want him out. It seems like there is a component of depression because of the way he acts. He lies, but they are always potentially feasible. We would like to believe him, but don't think we can. We just took the door to his room off so he can't drink in his room...hopefully.
What can we do to help him? We don't want to enable him to continue what he's doing, but it's very hard to just let him fall apart, which is what will probably happen. This is just killing us. We know we need to seek counseling for ourselves. We need to end this soon. What should we do?
I know that this is the Internet, but I also know there are some medical professionals and other good people who use this site who may be able to offer some advice.
Thanks to everyone who responds.
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Perhaps stop coddling this man child. Kick his butt out of your home and let him figure his chit out, as he's the only that can do that for him.

The subtitle is simple, YOU CANT "HELP" HIM.

Sadly all you are doing is causing further damage to him, he's 28 and is an adult for better or worse.

Also I'm about your sons age, and I'd eat a 12 gauge before I sat all day in my room and played children's video games.
 
As one who dealt with a similar situation I concur with above sentiment that this is time for you and your wife to come to peace knowing it's your son's responsibility.

What worked for us, and I'm not implying it works for all, is an intervention. They are mentally painful for all involved but, if successful, the road to recover was made by the addict.

Stay strong and reach out for the help you need to keep your marriage together.
 
Dealt with this with a close family member. I know that everything in you screams help them but the best thing to do is to let them work it out. After he lost a job, had a stint in rehab, a day in jail, multiple threats from his wife to leave, another almost lost job. HE DECIDED to come up here where family was(we are several states away). He stayed with family a couple of months got to AA and since then has best I can tell been sober. Fortunately has kept his job and his wife to this point.

It is really hard when you are a person who wants to fix things and make them better but the fix is not within your control. I will certainly pray for you and your family. Let us know how things work out.
 
AA is not recognized by many courts because of the second A. Anonymity doesn't allow for the court to get the information it needs.

AA like programs, even without the second A, mostly suck. It's tragic that, as a culture, the US has latched onto a program with a 95% failure rate as being the "go to" solution.

There are drugs that can help. But, as others have pointed out, if the boy refuses to decide to stop drinking your choices will be hard. Many here are being too hard on you. Keeping the boy alive (sheltered and fed) does not have to be considered enabling. And "tough love", even if it doesn't actually kill him, has about the same likelihood of success as AA. At least if he's under your roof you can continue to try to influence him. If you kick him out, his only influences are going to be his drinking buddies and his booze.

If the car is his, you may not have the legal right to put an ignition lock on it. But you could certainly make sure to do the right thing and report him to the police if you know he's behind the wheel drunk. You have a moral responsibility to try to make your son the best man he can be, but you also have a moral responsibility to the rest of us to not have him kill us.

While I disagree with the posters saying "kick him out", like it's going to be a magic solution if you just have the backbone to do it, you definitely need to consider that option and *not* use it as a weapon. If you are willing to kick him out then set the rules and if he violates them, kick him out. Period. If you aren't willing to follow through then you must not use that negotiating tactic and thus weaken your long term authority.

Recognize that his brain chemistry is different now than before he was drinking. Alcohol changes the brain. There are drugs that can help. If he were ever to be willing to admit he should stop (forget about the whole "alcoholic" label. Heck, if you can convince him that it's economically better to quit even though "he's clearly not an alcoholic" then run with that) you should add a drug as part of the lease for living there. Supervise him taking it every morning.

While drugs are ten times more effective than AA, be aware that they still have a 50% relapse rate! I'm not saying live your life in fear of the relapse, but do be aware that there is no magic bullet.

Best of luck!
 
CTLSi said:
My sympathies sir. I too had a son who drank in college to excess and got a DUI. He is about the same age as your son. There are no correct answers to this problem, of course. we as parents want our kids to be self-sufficient and strong. Some are not.

Do you as a parent continue to watch over your son till you die?

Or do you let him go and watch him struggle, decline and possibly fail.

No one can answer that for you. And no one can know how tough this is unless they have it happening to them.
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Did your son overcome the problem? What did you do? Everything you said, I agree with. Thanks for your help!
 
So drugs are the answer. Oh boy

I'd prescribe
1 dose, he's a grown man and shouldn't be living with mommy and daddy, follow, that up with a kick out the door, administered via boot in the ass

1 does of take some damn personal responsibility.


I mean really people, if you're fat, it's not your fault it's a disease.

If you're a drunk, it's not your fault it a disease.

If you hit your wife, it's not your fault if your daddy hit mommy

I think they even say rape is a genetic disorder now too

Of course there is a pill for most any of these afflictions, and if you don't have insurance those with insurance will pay for it.

I digress

The OPs kid is a friggin bum (sorry), he needs to get his azz out of that warm little bedroom and onto the street, he can get his chit together or face the consequences. If he doesn't like the consequences he can get his chit together after he gets a taste of being a adult.
 
Thank you to everyone who responded to our problem. I've found the meetings for Al-Anon in our area and we'll be going soon. I have to work on the rest.
Again, thanks!
 
comanchepilot said:
Simple: as long as he lives in your house he doesn't drink.

If he chooses to drink, he can live elsewhere.

You are enabling his drinking by putting a roof over his head. . . .

It goes like this:

"Son, your mother and I are concerned about your drinking and your lifestyle. While you may disagree, this is our home and here are the rules in our home:

You may not consume alcohol and you may not be intoxicated in this house.

Rent starts September 1. The amount is $XXX without access to the fridge and $YYY with.

If you cannot do either, then we need you to move out."

By letting him stay in your home without any responsibilities and allowing him to consume alcohol you enable his further laziness and drinking.

Yes - its tough love. And it is going to be harder on his mother than on him. But if he an alcoholic then he needs help. He is too old to covered on your health plan, even under Obama care, so he needs to get insurance then get into rehab. . . .

OR - he needs to keep drinking, end up in a gutter somewhere and realize, for himself, he needs to stop drinking.

You are not going to have an influence on his drinking - alcoholics need to make the decision for themselves. Meanwhile, you guys need to find a Family AA meeting and go deal with your guilt over what you have to do . . . .
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I'm in concurrence with Comanche Pilot's course of action. By enabling his continued drinking you are doing nothing to solve the problem and possibly making it worse. The young man needs to be on his own and take responsibility for his own actions. He needs to hit his personal bottom before he realizes he must make some changes. I'm aware the actions you must take are going to hurt, but you must take them for your own protection as well as hoping he can straighten himself you.

You said he will continue to drive with no license. If he kills someone in an accident it could come back to haunt you in the form of a lawsuit for 'aiding and abetting' his bad behavior.
 
Norman said:
I'm in concurrence with Comanche Pilot's course of action. By enabling his continued drinking you are doing nothing to solve the problem and possibly making it worse. The young man needs to be on his own and take responsibility for his own actions. He needs to hit his personal bottom before he realizes he must make some changes. I'm aware the actions you must take are going to hurt, but you must take them for your own protection as well as hoping he can straighten himself you.
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Totally not true. Tons of people clean up without having to hit rock bottom. President Bush springs to mind as an example. If the OP goes to al-anon, be aware that it is closely tied to AA and will be giving you the company line. If it works for you, great, but remember that AA has an abysmal success rate. There are other options with better success rates that may be more appropriate.

Norman said:
You said he will continue to drive with no license. If he kills someone in an accident it could come back to haunt you in the form of a lawsuit for 'aiding and abetting' his bad behavior.
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If the OPs original post in any way reflects the facts of the situation there is 0% chance of a lawsuit. They should still try to help their son get clean though even without that possibility hanging over them.
 
SCCutler said:
but your son is ill (alcoholism is an illness, not a choice), and in all reasonable likelihood, his disease will not allow him to deal with you all as he would wish in his soul.
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With all due respect the "alcoholism is a disease" theory was thrown out long ago as "70's pychobabble". One definition that I like is "a personal weakness character flaw" that can lead to physical dependency, and alcohol related physical diseases.

Drinking alcohol is a choice, not a disease. Calling it a disease only gives the drunk an excuse to keep drinking. Alcoholism is a character weakness.
 
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rwellner98 said:
Totally not true. Tons of people clean up without having to hit rock bottom. President Bush springs to mind as an example. If the OP goes to al-anon, be aware that it is closely tied to AA and will be giving you the company line. If it works for you, great, but remember that AA has an abysmal success rate. There are other options with better success rates that may be more appropriate.



If the OPs original post in any way reflects the facts of the situation there is 0% chance of a lawsuit. They should still try to help their son get clean though even without that possibility hanging over them.
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In today's litigious society? YGBSM. People sue over anything.
 
rwellner98 said:
If it works for you, great, but remember that AA has an abysmal success rate. There are other options with better success rates that may be more appropriate.
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I did a little research into that claim. I would not characterize their success rate as "abysmal"..... rather steady, consistent, dependable results dependent on the individual.


Question: What is the success rate of Alcoholics Anonymous?

Answer: Every few years Alcoholics Anonymous does a survey of its members. In 1992, a random survey of 6,500 A.A. members in both the United States and Canada revealed that 35 percent were sober for more than five years; 34 percent were sober from between one and five years; and 31 percent were sober for less than one year. The average time sobriety of members is more than five years.

Coming to the realization of a higher power is one of AA's main point. If you think there is no higher power then why cant you stop drinking when others can? ... kind of thing. Getting the drunk to recognize he/she is weak is a huge step forward, and there are many other "steps". :D
 
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Tough Love is the only way. I practice this with my kids. I believe its harder on the parents then the kids but its the only way with most.
Stick to your guns..NO DRINKING...NONE...or you walk...
Tony
 
rwellner98 said:
(forget about the whole "alcoholic" label. Heck, if you can convince him that it's economically better to quit even though "he's clearly not an alcoholic" then run with that)
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You said a lot of sound and sane things. The "alcoholic" label is not as easy to read when it's on your own back. But they know how they feel. They may be able to recognize that they're not hungover after a day of not drinking, or that they feel better after two, or their head is more clear after 3 or 4. If you can build on these, it may help him to recognize, not that he's an alcoholic, but at least that he is better off without it.

I think the shallow thinkers that think it's a "simple" matter of forcing rules on him, kicking him out, letting him "hit rock bottom", or thinking he has to figure it out on his own, maybe have not had to deal with the issue on a personal level, with someone they don't want to lose. Forcing rules might trigger a more defensive response. Kick him out and you'll only be able to help when you can find him, if you can find him. Sometimes when people hit the bottom it's too late, and that's the tragedy you want to avoid. He does need to decide in his own head that it's time to make a change, but he doesn't have to do it alone.

Like some others have said, there's not one answer for everybody. I hope you can help him find his. Good luck.
 
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