Long-lost Brother

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Should this be pursued? If so, how?

About 25 years ago my father knew he was dying. Mom had already died. He told me that he had a son in England who was born around 1961. He told me his son's name, but I wasn't ready to hear it. Dad was in the Air Force, stationed in Alconbury, UK in 1961.

This bothers me. Is there any way to follow up? Should I?
 
Can't answer the question of "should", only you can do that.

As far as how, depending on how common of a name he has, it may be easy or difficult. Google can get you pretty far these days with those kind of things.
 
You can spend about four or five hundred dollars with a genealogist and have him nailed down fairly easy. You will also learn a whole lot about your father.

Once you know who he is, and how to contact him, then you can start the real agonizing about should I or shouldn't I.

-John
 
I found out there are brothers and sister from a former marriage of my dad. I did not pursue. What do you say.
Of course, you could fill in blanks for the brother. But I would not.
Keep us posted
 
Did you inherit anything of value from your dad ?
 
A good friend (good enough he lived with us during high school and we call him our "foster brother") tracked down his real dad in high school.

Dad hadn't told his wife he'd had an affair nor knew that he had a kid. Wasn't pretty.

Decades later, he's now good friends with at least one of his half-siblings, but Dad and his wife still really don't want anything to do with him.

Pandora's box. Expect the unexpected.
 
Contrarian view:

I would be very tempted to contact, at least after doing initial due diligence on the fellow. Assuming there is no tragic story to create pain and grief, you might make a connection you'd treasure for the rest of your life.

At the very least, a phone call might be good. You'll probably know, then, whether the enterprise bears continuing.

Advice, worth every cent paid.
 
My father had two half brothers(Grandpa was a "special guy"), one of them completely unknown to the rest of the family. When my Grandmother turned 90 she asked me to track him down and make contact. All we had was mothers maiden name and it only took about 20 minutes on ancestry.com to find him. The meet turned out to be rather special for my father and his brother. They are still in sporadic contact and some of the cousins have made contacts. It was completely eerie to see the facial similarities, mannerisms, and even some incredible coincidences in their life paths.


YMMV.
 
I helped a German man find the legal name and address of his American GI father. The German man's mother had moved on, married an Italian, lived in Italy and wanted nothing to do with the enterprise. The father wasn't really ready to 'fess up, but the German man's wife wrote a letter that persuaded him. The father told his present American family who took it OK. He went to Germany and met the son. The son was very appreciative. The son died a few years later and his wife felt it had done him good to find his father. That's all I know about it.

If your father had special medical issues that the son would benefit from knowing about, maybe you could pass that on. It could even be anonymously.

Bastard Nation is a site that has a very strongly held position on finding out about birth records. If you paw around the site, you'll find information compiled on how to search. It also has some stories of successful and unsuccessful reunions. Warning! These people are angry. (You may be, too, when you're done reading.)
http://www.bastards.org/

Other genealogy resources, including the Mormon Church, have tips on searching if you choose to pursue it.
 
There is also a good chance that something may be in his military records. Back in those days, service members who got in trouble with the locals were often moved to different posts.
As you are the next of kin of a deceased veteran, service records may be available to you through the US archives. While the names of third parties (such as the kids mom) are probably redacted, you may be able to track down locations and timelines to narrow your search area.
 
I am 53 and 5 months old. I have a half brother who is 52 years and 11 months. Never met him. I have zero recollection of my father - since - well - my mother tossed him out on his rear when I was 6 months old since he had to attend the birth of his other son. I also have another half brother and another half sister since my father promptly married the other woman as soon as the divorce was final. He never paid a dime of child support and never cared a whit about my welfare.

Should I search out and make friends with my half-siblings? Why? He was nothing but a sperm donor to me - and I'm gonna keep it that way . . . if they somehow get curious - who cares - they are no more related to me than some stranger I meet on the street. . .
 
Why not? :dunno: I would, what's the worst that can happen? You afraid they'll kill you or they're gyppos who are gonna rob you blind? Good of an excuse to take a vacation in England as any.
 
weilke said:
There is also a good chance that something may be in his military records. Back in those days, service members who got in trouble with the locals were often moved to different posts.
As you are the next of kin of a deceased veteran, service records may be available to you through the US archives. While the names of third parties (such as the kids mom) are probably redacted, you may be able to track down locations and timelines to narrow your search area.
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His records would be in the National Records Center in St. Louis, MO if they exist. There was a big fire there which destroyed about 16 million records. No duplicates. No way of even knowing if there ever WAS a record.

http://www.archives.gov/st-louis/military-personnel/

To do a records search, use this information:

http://www.archives.gov/st-louis/military-personnel/

Based on my experience in this area, I HIGHLY doubt there was any information about the child or the relationship in the file, but of course you can look.

If you can find his unit, you may be able to find unit histories, especially the unofficial kind, and maybe find a buddy who may know something. My estimate of your chances on this is they are infinitesimal, but you can always try.

Put an ad in the local paper and give them a blind PO box to write to so you aren't identified.
 
comanchepilot said:
I am 53 and 5 months old. I have a half brother who is 52 years and 11 months. Never met him. I have zero recollection of my father - since - well - my mother tossed him out on his rear when I was 6 months old since he had to attend the birth of his other son. I also have another half brother and another half sister since my father promptly married the other woman as soon as the divorce was final. He never paid a dime of child support and never cared a whit about my welfare.

Should I search out and make friends with my half-siblings? Why? He was nothing but a sperm donor to me - and I'm gonna keep it that way . . . if they somehow get curious - who cares - they are no more related to me than some stranger I meet on the street. . .
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Ditto, mom asked me and my brother if we wanted to know anything about my biological father when I was in my teens. Someone who apparently had no desire to give a crap about us. Never supported us with one cent. Fortunately my mother married a wonderful man when I was 5. He is my father and I would never disgrace him by looking for the other guy. I could care less about any offspring, chances are they or he would probably just expect something in the long run.

If you feel like you must do it! I agree expect the unexpected.
 
comanchepilot said:
I am 53 and 5 months old. I have a half brother who is 52 years and 11 months. Never met him. I have zero recollection of my father - since - well - my mother tossed him out on his rear when I was 6 months old since he had to attend the birth of his other son. I also have another half brother and another half sister since my father promptly married the other woman as soon as the divorce was final. He never paid a dime of child support and never cared a whit about my welfare.

Should I search out and make friends with my half-siblings? Why? He was nothing but a sperm donor to me - and I'm gonna keep it that way . . . if they somehow get curious - who cares - they are no more related to me than some stranger I meet on the street. . .
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The relationship can be whatever y'all decide to make of it.my grandfather was in your same basic position yet we have ties to that branch because they indeed are related through genealogy. Turns out one of my cousins from that branch is an actor in Das Boot.
 
Das Boot was a good movie. I saw the German TV version (3 episodes of 2 hours each) and much richer than the movie version. In fact, I have it somewhere on deteriorating VHS tape in PAL format - I may even have a machine to play it.

Some may find information on genetic diseases or other features of great value. (Of course, that may simply mean that the relatives are crazy or defective - who wants to know that? :) ) Anyone who look at the Bastard Nation link would not be surprised at the strength of some feelings expressed here. From my observation on a few cases, It's probably better that some don't find their birth families, as often there is no interest in understanding, accommodation or forgiveness.
 
Das Boot is a GREAT movie. I have the German TV version (six hours as you say) on DVD. Saw the import version in the theater in 1981, and was very impressed.
 
To be honest, a fairly simple DNA test will reveal susceptibility to a host of genetically determined illnesses. There are some things you really don't want to know about your health and it's future, trust me. There really isn't any compelling medical reason to go find long lost relatives.

As far as the emotional ones, that is indeed as other posters have pointed out, quite the crapshoot. I for one can think of far better reasons to take a holiday overseas.
 
Jthamilton said:
Ditto, mom asked me and my brother if we wanted to know anything about my biological father
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comanchepilot said:
He never paid a dime of child support and never cared a whit about my welfare.
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I certainly wouldn't dispute these, and I'm sorry ...

But for the record, there have been cases where one parent (usually mom, but not always) was able to keep dad cut off from the children without the kids knowing she was doing that - sometimes while getting support that the kids also didn't know about. If you've never known the missing parent, you can't know for sure. I agree it's a can of worms, though.
 
Is there any reason to believe that the long-lost brother already knows the situation and has decided on his own not to pursue?
 
Wow, yeah, it's a crapshoot, but what is it about meeting someone at a pub just to know something and someone you didn't know yesterday that is to be frightened of and avoided? If it's that bad and your afraid of an emotional breakdown, you probably need to go most of all. I can't see where it's gonna do you wrong to feed your curiosity and just let the rest go. It only matters because you believe it does. It's all your choice as how to look at life and think about it, and that's what it brings you as well.
 
Henning said:
Wow, yeah, it's a crapshoot, but what is it about meeting someone at a pub just to know something and someone you didn't know yesterday that is to be frightened of and avoided? If it's that bad and your afraid of an emotional breakdown, you probably need to go most of all. I can't see where it's gonna do you wrong to feed your curiosity and just let the rest go. It only matters because you believe it does. It's all your choice as how to look at life and think about it, and that's what it brings you as well.
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You put an emotional investment in at the chase. You put more in planning the travel, and even more leading up to the meeting. If it goes well, you have a nice new address to Skype. But if the guy turns out to be a dweeb, it can be a real letdown and lots of bad memories.

Me, I already have lots of folks I don't Skype. Definitely one the Op has to decide for him (or her) self.
 
steingar said:
You put an emotional investment in at the chase. You put more in planning the travel, and even more leading up to the meeting. If it goes well, you have a nice new address to Skype. But if the guy turns out to be a dweeb, it can be a real letdown and lots of bad memories.

Me, I already have lots of folks I don't Skype. Definitely one the Op has to decide for him (or her) self.
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There's also a chance you'll make a lasting friendship...:dunno:The emotional investment is what it's all about. It's why people buy lottery tickets every week, the dreams of what they'll do with their winnings, it's entertainment when nothing is on TV.
 
Knowing me - I'd probably go through with it, but I'd also have no preconceived notions on how things will turn out. As long as you go into this with your eyes fully open, you won't be setting yourself up for some kind of emotional let-down.
 
Matthew said:
Is there any reason to believe that the long-lost brother already knows the situation and has decided on his own not to pursue?
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That's probably very likely the case. In fact, I can't imagine he wouldn't know or eventually figure out his daddy was a former GI. Which, in itself is less disturbing than knowing what mommy's profession was likely to have been.

OP I don't mean this is a dig, by the way.
 
For all anyone knows his half brothers mom could have shacked up with a new man and the guy thinks someone else is his father. And there would always be tension the OP got to grow up with dad, half brother never met him.
 
ClimbnSink said:
For all anyone knows his half brothers mom could have shacked up with a new man and the guy thinks someone else is his father.
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Pappy Boyington is a good example of that. He didn't know that his "male head of household" wasn't his father until he had to get a birth certificate when in his teens. It's doubled-down, too; it's probable the guy listed as his father on the document wasn't actually the "culprit" either. :eek:
 
Biology is overrated. If there's nothing to gain by digging up someone who has not sought you out, and disrupting their life, why do it? Leave well enough alone.
 
LandSickness said:
Biology is overrated. If there's nothing to gain by digging up someone who has not sought you out, and disrupting their life, why do it? Leave well enough alone.
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It is a double edged sword. I have read account where siblings, or children have found bio parents, or vica versa that have turned out well, and they maintain positive relationships.
 
And on the other side of the coin, a 46 year old coworker was adopted. In the last year he's been able to track down his birth parents and meet them. One's in FL, the other in AK. He's spent time with both of them, and met song half siblings, too. He couldn't be happier about his decision to track them down and meet them.
 
rotorhead1026 said:
I certainly wouldn't dispute these, and I'm sorry ...

But for the record, there have been cases where one parent (usually mom, but not always) was able to keep dad cut off from the children without the kids knowing she was doing that - sometimes while getting support that the kids also didn't know about. If you've never known the missing parent, you can't know for sure. I agree it's a can of worms, though.
Click to expand...

Trust me, when I had rold gold pretzels and wonder bread for dinner and pasta without sauce 3 nights a week we were not getting hidden child support that my mother was concealing. :eek::goofy::rolleyes:
 
comanchepilot said:
I am 53 and 5 months old. I have a half brother who is 52 years and 11 months. Never met him. I have zero recollection of my father - since - well - my mother tossed him out on his rear when I was 6 months old since he had to attend the birth of his other son. I also have another half brother and another half sister since my father promptly married the other woman as soon as the divorce was final. He never paid a dime of child support and never cared a whit about my welfare.

Should I search out and make friends with my half-siblings? Why? He was nothing but a sperm donor to me - and I'm gonna keep it that way . . . if they somehow get curious - who cares - they are no more related to me than some stranger I meet on the street. . .
Click to expand...

Your relationship with your father seems similar to my own. My mother and father separated before my birth. I have met him and his second family, but they don't feel like family to me. He was almost never around when I was growing up. People ask me if I feel anger toward him. They are always surprised when I say no, I don't really know any other way. The times I have met him, I get along okay with him and can have a decent conversation, but I certainly never felt like I missed out on anything.
 
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