A Wife's Questions

Becky

Becky

Line Up and Wait
Joined
Dec 6, 2012
Messages
828
Display Name
Display name:
Becky
I am working on some concerns about my husband's flying. He is quite intelligent and capable, but he glazes over and waves me off when I try to bring this subject up.

My questions:

1) How often should a pilot fly in order to truly stay safe? I have seen (online search) anywhere from 50 to 150 hours. I have asked a couple of people who fly whether it is safe to "dabble" at 20 or so hours per year, like my husband has done for the last 8 years, and they say no and look rather alarmed.

He does meet the minimum landings per three-month period, but often goes a month or two without flying at all. Naturally, this concern about "dabbling" makes me uncomfortable about flying with him.

2) :confused: How can a wife talk to her husband about flying and her feelings about it when he has apparently been "bitten" and can't talk about it rationally? It seems like a drug addiction to me, in a way. In every other area he is perfectly conversant and companionable.

Obviously this has been ongoing. He wants to share flying with me. I took pinch hitter classes, and went up with an instructor, and have flown with my husband. The sad fact is that I simply and intensely do not enjoy flying, and can't pretend to. And I can't pretend to "not care" if he were at some point to ramp up his flying (buying a plane has been mentioned!!!), because I don't want to lose increasing numbers of adventures and sharing life with him. He doesn't want that, either, but seems in thrall to the hobby nonetheless.

Thank you ... I know this touches some sensitive spots, perhaps. I am looking for perspectives I may be missing, or keys to communicating with my husband in this situation. At present I do hold the belief that large, time- and resource-intensive hobbies should be agreed upon by both partners, and not simply inflicted on one of them. But reaching any sort of compromise or agreement would require actual conversation, which this particular hobby seems to disable! :sad:
 
I think your opinion is perfectly valid. At 20 hours per year this isn't a major obsession for him and it's certainly not a means of transportation. If he wants to dabble in a hobby then let it be his hobby alone if you aren't predisposed to take part. I'm sure you have your own hobbies about which he is equally ambivalent.
 
A lot of people just fly 20-30 hours a year. With the right attitude (he probably picks nice days, low winds, etc, to go).. Then he can be just fine..
 
First of all, you're asking us to violate the unspoken man code.

That said, there's all manner of flying. If he goes up every month or so in fine weather, flies around the pattern and does some touch-and-goes and then does some sightseeing in the neighborhood, I don't see the harm. If he's going on long cross-country trips in questionable weather and terrain, that could be a problem.
 
My ex-wife didn't like flying either. My current wife does.
 
Welcome to the POA.

Flying is great fun and should / could be a great tool for your family travels. Or perhaps its just a way for him to have a little fun and do something different. If he flys 20 or so hours a year, perhaps he just likes boring holes in the sky occasionally.

Is your husband the bread winner for the family?
 
My wife (only one), isn't that excited about just buzzing around.. But she likes going places. YOu might like going places more than just cruising around the local area?
 
It's interesting that you commented like you did - my wife also just isn't into flying. And you are far from being unique.

It may be that he's feeling guilty about his passion for it and doesn't want to talk about it because he wants to avoid the conversation that you, yourself, know that you need to have. One of the guys in a club I belong to had to ease off on his flying when his wife sort of 'kidded' with him about spending too much time with his mistress.

You are right that you and your husband are partners. I don't know how to get him to open up, but you somehow need to get him to discuss his flying, family priorities, and a budget.

As far as being safe - he probably is OK. Like others said, as long as he does know his limitations and stays within those personal limits, he's probably good.

His dreams about flying (someday buying a plane, for example), and your dreams of your adventures with him don't necessarily have to be one or the other. But, yeah, if he won't discuss it, then...?
 
That's another angle.

Maybe you are telling him to fly more, and he would like to but keeps thinking about how expensive it is. It can be tough to drop $$$$ on something you want to do, when the family has other things that everyone could enjoy or that need to be done...
 
If it stays in the 20-30 hr range, good weather, okay, that's about what it is right now. Thanks.

Aside from being hypnotized or in a drugged state, I'm certain at this point (after many attempts) that I couldn't enjoy being cramped in that little tube, bouncing up and down, worried about (single!) engine failure, wishing I could be in one of the cars I see on the ground, just wanting to be back on the ground in general, and resenting that I have to be put in this position repeatedly to "share" time with my husband.

Bingo on passive-aggressive. Not known for being an effective strategy for a healthy relationship. Neither my husband nor I wants me to be the ex-wife.

Yes, he's the breadwinner. We both contribute in important ways to our life together. I'm sure we would both say that flying is the only area of conflict we have. Which makes it more difficult ... we do enjoy being together.
 
He's a man doing manly things. Go thank your lucky stars you aren't married to a sissy. Then make your husband a sandwich. If he quit you would love him less because of it.
 
Does he know you dislike flying or have you been pretending? I would say that if the direct approach doesn't work you need to live with it. Maybe you can find some hobby that interests you which you can participate in while he is off flying. Not all couples do everything together. Of course I am the last person who should be giving relationship advice. :eek:
 
I'm not a big fan of saying that the breadwinner gets to make the rules and have all the fun. Maybe I'm old fashioned, but I do think that marriage is a partnership. And I don't think you have to put yourself in an uncomfortable spot just to spend time with your husband (the whole quality time vs quantity time thing) either.

But - now that the flying technical details are out of the way, I don't know how much more help we pilots are going to be!
 
Becky said:
If it stays in the 20-30 hr range, good weather, okay, that's about what it is right now. Thanks.

Aside from being hypnotized or in a drugged state, I'm certain at this point (after many attempts) that I couldn't enjoy being cramped in that little tube, bouncing up and down, worried about (single!) engine failure, wishing I could be in one of the cars I see on the ground, just wanting to be back on the ground in general, and resenting that I have to be put in this position repeatedly to "share" time with my husband.

Bingo on passive-aggressive. Not known for being an effective strategy for a healthy relationship. Neither my husband nor I wants me to be the ex-wife.

Yes, he's the breadwinner. We both contribute in important ways to our life together. I'm sure we would both say that flying is the only area of conflict we have. Which makes it more difficult ... we do enjoy being together.
Click to expand...

Becky, my first and only wife of 21 years does not share my passion for flying either. We enjoy many other aspects of our lives together, but also realize there we both need space, and time to be individuals. She has actively encouraged my passion for flight to the point of suggesting I "Go buy another airplane" during a financially uncertain time in our lives, when the stress I was dealing with was enormously high. She knew flying was a huge stress reliever for me...

The point is, we are a couple but also two individuals who are willing to spend time apart in order to make our times together even more satisfying....
 
Last edited:
ja_user said:
My wife (only one), isn't that excited about just buzzing around.. But she likes going places. YOu might like going places more than just cruising around the local area?
Click to expand...

this is my situation exactly. unless the fight has a destination other than lunch, she does not want to go.
 
Becky said:
Yes, he's the breadwinner. We both contribute in important ways to our life together. I'm sure we would both say that flying is the only area of conflict we have. Which makes it more difficult ... we do enjoy being together.
Click to expand...

Becky,

Think of it this way. He could have a drug problem, alcohol problem, or a promiscuity problem. He doesn't, he likes to fly airplanes. It could be worse.

My wife does not enjoy flying very much either. We've been married 13 years and she doesn't jump at the opportunity to go flying. I flew 140 hours last year. Does it bother me she doesn't enjoy it very much? No, not really.

When I say, "I'm going to the beach for lunch" she usually says have fun, will you be home for dinner?

Personally I don't think that you should let this be an issue for your family. If he enjoys it, let him enjoy it and enjoy it with him. If you want to be with him more, go with him and encourage him to take you some place nice in an airplane.

Constantly worrying about single engine issues and emergencies is no way to live. He can get additional time and training if necessary to be more competent. Be with the man that provides for you and embrace his hobby / passion if that is what flying is to him. I would suggest that you find a female pilot to befriend and learn more about it so that it will not be so troublesome when you go off with your husband.
 
I'm amazed at your responses. Thank you for your thoughtful replies. Your suggestions and insights are giving me much to think about. It also helps an amazing amount to know there are other wives out there who are dealing with this. I honestly was feeling completely alone in this, which is why I posted.

Everywhere I looked to find a reasonable discussion, I mostly saw posts of the "first wife didn't like it, so ditched her! Second wife does, so now all is fine and dandy!" type. Even on AOPA you see that.

But you guys are realistic and finding ways to make it all work. Like I said, much to think about. And ideas to try. I'm very grateful.
 
Old Geek said:
First of all, you're asking us to violate the unspoken man code.
Click to expand...

But not the written one. That is a technical violation of Chapter 5, paragraph 3, subsection (f) of the AMC.
 
We like to pretend we are all tough and rugged and stuff. But we are really softies inside and realize most of us wouldn't be flying without our spouse's support, too.

Good luck!
 
My wife likes flying for the simple reason that it is a faster way to get where we are going. A typical cross-state trip is 2 to 2 1/2 hours by plane, 5 1/2 to 6 hours by car. She likes the time savings. But, if I want to go buzz around for the fun of it, or shoot T&Gs for currency, she usually stays home. Not her thing. But, she will fly with me. And I make sure I don't do anything that would scare her when we fly together because I want her to keep flying with me. 39+ years of marriage and you do what you have to do to keep the magic going.

I have times were I go a month or three without flying. The weather in western Washington has that effect. Even with an instrument rating, there are times when you just don't fly light aircraft. Perhaps that's why my wife will fly with me. I am conservative on the weather go/no-go calls.

Best wishes to you and your husband. Communications is a good thing.
 
Becky said:
Everywhere I looked to find a reasonable discussion, I mostly saw posts of the "first wife didn't like it, so ditched her! Second wife does, so now all is fine and dandy!" type. Even on AOPA you see that.
Click to expand...

Wait a minute...you stepped in AOPA?

You poor woman!
 
Becky, my first wife/current wife doesn't really get excited about flying, she likes to go places and likes to go in the plane, but usually sits in the back of our 421, a twin engine Cessna. I don't go flying for fun very often, just playing, when I do, I go by myself. She isn't afraid of flying, but she's got other/better things to do most of the time. We fish together and sometimes I fish alone or with somebody else. If he's spending a couple hour a month flying and he doesn't mind flying alone, I'd suggest you do something that you like during that time. You know woman stuff, like cooking, cleaning, tending to the house, maybe even baking him a nice cake for when he gets home. :lol::lol::D

Becky said:
If it stays in the 20-30 hr range, good weather, okay, that's about what it is right now. Thanks.

Aside from being hypnotized or in a drugged state, I'm certain at this point (after many attempts) that I couldn't enjoy being cramped in that little tube, bouncing up and down, worried about (single!) engine failure, wishing I could be in one of the cars I see on the ground, just wanting to be back on the ground in general, and resenting that I have to be put in this position repeatedly to "share" time with my husband.

Bingo on passive-aggressive. Not known for being an effective strategy for a healthy relationship. Neither my husband nor I wants me to be the ex-wife.

Yes, he's the breadwinner. We both contribute in important ways to our life together. I'm sure we would both say that flying is the only area of conflict we have. Which makes it more difficult ... we do enjoy being together.
Click to expand...
 
Talk to your husband, not the Internet and not your non-pilot friends.

There are more dangerous pursuits out there that a lot of guys pursue. If you don't want to go, then just be honest and don't. But you don't want to be he one who takes away what make him happy.
 
Becky said:
Aside from being hypnotized or in a drugged state, I'm certain at this point (after many attempts) that I couldn't enjoy being cramped in that little tube, bouncing up and down, worried about (single!) engine failure, wishing I could be in one of the cars I see on the ground, just wanting to be back on the ground in general, and resenting that I have to be put in this position repeatedly to "share" time with my husband.
Click to expand...

Flying will keep your husband well on the straight and narrow, and like other posters said, it beats a lot of other vices. I've put up with plenty of boredom and discomfort for my wife, I always thought it came with the ring. If you're that cramped you might hint that a bigger airplane is in order, your husband will be all too happy to comply. Around here bouncing is restricted to a thousand or so feet off the ground, as is heat. When I fly most of the trip is cool and smooth. My wife has never wanted to be in a car on the ground when we were moving in comfort at twice the speed. I've always done my best to involve myself to some degree in my wife's pursuits. Always seemed prudent to me. I think she's had the same thought, and comes flying with me if we're going somewhere. I leave her home for the little flights around the patch.

Something for you to think about. There are far worse things than getting jounced around a little. And if you go with your husband will fly that much more and be that much safer.
 
Becky, I am sorry to be the one to tell you, but your hubby is having an affair. Most men on the forum are having an affair. Actually, most women also. The affair is with an aluminum mistress. Not to worry, there is room for both of you in the relationship. :rofl:

Give your hubby the space to enjoy his new hobby. He is a better man when he can escape and be free for a while, hang out with hangar buds, and take a trip to Oshkosh once a year. Be glad he thinks enough of you to invite you, and that he comes home.

He will be fine.

NO NAGGING! :no:

Be supportive! :cheers:

Buy him a Van's Aircraft Calendar for Christmas. ;)
https://www.vansaircraft.com/public/an5.htm
 
Last edited:
If you're not comfortable flying, then by all means, don't! (IMO, nobody should spend their time doing things they don't enjoy and especially things that they are not comfortable with / don't want to do ... neither one of you is likely to be having much fun, if this is the case.)
At 20 hours per year, it seems his flying hobby wouldn't cut much at all into your shared/together time ... let him go.

You are not alone in your feelings about flying. And it IS possible to be in a good relationship with someone whose passions are different from your own.

As for his shutting down or being unwilling to talk about flying with you ... my guess is that flying offers him something that he so strongly identifies with / can't get anywhere else that he's really afraid to risk doing anything that would cause him to lose it. (BTW & FWIW, not all pilots with a deep connection to the gift of flight need or want to fly "all the time.")
 
You say you don't enjoy flying much, worry and when in a small airplane, you wish you were back on the ground. That sounds a lot like what my wife (my first and, as far as I can imagine, my last) used to put forward.

This past spring, I convinced her to take a "pinch hitter" course offered by our flying club. The course gave some introduction into how airplanes fly, how the air-traffic control system works, and what would happen if there was an emergency.

This helped enormously! My wife now feels much more comfortable about traveling in a personal aircraft. In fact, for a recent trip from the New York metropolitan area to D.C., it was her who suggested we fly rather than drive.

Maybe you should explore this? If your husband is in a flying club, they might offer pinch-hitter courses, too. Otherwise, any flight school can help.
 
Becky,

I'm one of the lucky ones, my Bride loves to fly.....well loves to fly to a get-away destination. She is not much for boring holes in the sky just to get in the air. I will say there are days, and nights that I go fly to keep current and proficient. There are some days I just go to clear my head and enjoy the quiet time away from work and stress.

If my Bride didn't fly I don't think I would bother owning a plane, I would rent to get the air time. Thankfully she is understanding and as my partner she encurages my time flying.

I guess you just need to let him know. I would hope you at least encourage him to keep flying if that's what he really enjoys. As others have posted, he could be hanging out in bars, chasing skirts or a hundred other marriage killers. The relationship is about compromise.

A tip of that hat to you for trying to learn more and at least exploring some answeres from other pilots and what makes it work for them. Good luck, sit him down and talk it out even if you have to duct tape him to the chair....heck he might like that ;)
 
An hour every couple of weeks, plus the associated hangar-flying and reading should keep your guy in the game. Do you own or rent?
I have just the opposite problem... the wife loves flying so much, I almost never get to take anyone else up! She was "OK" with it initially, but really got on board when we got a LSA with a parachute. Now it's "where we goin'?" every weekend. We punctuate our hamburger flights with occasional flying adventures, to keep things interesting. We try to fly early and quit early, so the air is smooth... and no weather heroics.
 
Last edited:
GeierFlyer said:
This past spring, I convinced her to take a "pinch hitter" course offered by our flying club. The course gave some introduction into how airplanes fly, how the air-traffic control system works, and what would happen if there was an emergency.
[...]
Maybe you should explore this? If your husband is in a flying club, they might offer pinch-hitter courses, too. Otherwise, any flight school can help.
Click to expand...

She covered that in the very first post when she wrote "I took pinch hitter classes, and went up with an instructor, and have flown with my husband. The sad fact is that I simply and intensely do not enjoy flying, and can't pretend to."
 
CT4ME said:
An hour every couple of weeks, plus the associated hangar-flying and reading should keep your guy in the game. Do you own or rent?
Click to expand...

Since she wrote "And I can't pretend to "not care" if he were at some point to ramp up his flying (buying a plane has been mentioned!!!)," he clearly rents.
 
I was married for 33 years. 30 years ago I started flying and she took flight lessons after I got my PPL... I started building my experimental in 2001, during the three years it took me to finish it she went to parties and always made the statement to her friends" I ain't riding in that thing". They all got a big laugh out of that one.. well it flew, safely too... a week or so before I flew it to OSH a few years back she told me " either you sell the plane or I am divorcing you"... I went to OSH and came back to the papers laying on the dining room table.. People change.... Life goes on..

I wish her well..and I am still flying my plane several times a week... I am not going to be laying on my death bed saying "What if..... Life is short... fly NOW..
 
I took my wife along on the discovery flight. She liked it and wants to go on trips with me once I'm ready to fly them.

I don't get divorcing over something like that. My wife rides horses and I worry about her getting hurt and wish she wouldn't. But it makes her happy and I wouldn't think about telling her she can't just because I don't like it.
 
My wife loves flying with me. She gets jealous, in a good way, if I'm taking someone else.

Can't believe no one mentioned this yet. You need to buy him a plane so he can fly more. :D
 
Q: "Takeoffs are optional. Landings are not." When is that not true?

A: When your girlfriend is in the airplane, and your wife shows up at the airport.
 
JBrown243 said:
this is my situation exactly. unless the fight has a destination other than lunch, she does not want to go.
Click to expand...
:yeahthat::yeahthat::yeahthat:

And that's cool with me. Loves to go places (and we've covered the country), but couldn't care less about it otherwise. Was happy our soon opted to learn, too. Now she wants to sit in the back and have two pilots up front!
 
Same way. Mrs. Steingar doesn't go on every flight, and that's fine. But if we want to go somewhere the aircraft is always a valued option, and we have had some absolutely wonderful adventures together. And I have always been very, very, very proud of her. She's prone to airsickness but goes anyway. And sometimes it is hot and bumpy, but she soldiers on. She spots traffic and runways before I do, and has a GPS chip in her head. Well, it rather seems that way, at least. I love having her along. Some of our best memories are in association with that aircraft.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top