Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Tom-D said:
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School of
Psychiatry at Harvard University Take your time and see if you can
Read each line aloud without a mistake.

The average person over 40 years of age cannot do it!

1. This is this cat.
2. This is is cat.
3. This is how cat.
4. This is to cat.
5. This is keep cat.
6. This is an cat.
7. This is old cat..
8. This is fart cat.
9. This is busy cat.
10. This is for cat.
11. This is forty cat.
12. This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and I
Betcha you cannot resist passing it on..........
Click to expand...

LOL. I was going to post that on Facebook, but it's too many words. Showed it to some folks in the meeting I'm sitting in and they just groaned. Too many old farts, I guess. :D
 
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.
His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant
my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a
garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you
would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love,
Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden.
That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug
up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old
man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son::

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
I love you,
Vinnie
 
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Patton said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Kathleen said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ..... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
 
Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians. " Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians! " for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"
 
St. Patty's day is coming up.

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," the man replied.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this.. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
 
The International Olympic Committee announced on Monday that it has taken back the Gold Medal previously awarded to American skier Lindsey Vonn and given it to USA President Barack Obama.

Olympic officials said Obama was more deserving of the medal since no one has gone downhill faster than he.
 
you know, this would be a helluva better thread if people could keep their partisan politics out of it. Otherwise it just seems like an exercise in masturbation - makes the poster feel good, but doesn't do all that much for anyone else. :rolleyes:
 
etsisk said:
you know, this would be a helluva better thread if people could keep their partisan politics out of it. Otherwise it just seems like an exercise in masturbation - makes the poster feel good, but doesn't do all that much for anyone else. :rolleyes:
Click to expand...
Humor nazis?

A-don't read it.
B-don't censor if you do choose to read it.
C-don't attempt to confine humor to what you consider appropriate.
D-don't cast aspersions on the teller simply because you don't care for what you willingly chose to read.
 
Its my thread and I say it stays! All of it!
Political jokes are fine, as long as both sides get their fair share!
The only thing not allowed on my thread is arguin'!!
 
An elderly couple is attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband. It says, " I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back , " Put a new battery in your hearing aid.."






​
 
How Fights Start





My wife sat down on the sofa next to me as I was flipping

channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"





I said, "Dust."





And then the fight started....





******************************************


My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A

Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do

you want to have sex?"





"No," she answered.





I then said, "Is that your final answer?"





She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying,

"Yes."





So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."





And then the fight started....





******************************************


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my

lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the van,

and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing at

40 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and learned

that the weather would be bad all day.





I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped

back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different

anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."





My loving wife of 5 years replied, "Can you believe my

stupid husband is out fishing in that?"





And that's how the fight started....





******************************************


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside

the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how

sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem

funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!! He

stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT

HAPPY!!!"





So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one

are you?"





And then the fight started....





*****************************************


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming

anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150

in about 3 seconds."





I bought her a bathroom scale.





And then the fight started....





******************************************


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply

for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's

License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my

wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to

go home and come back later.





The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt." So I opened

my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, "That silver hair on

your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security

application.





When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience

at the Social Security office.





She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might

have gotten disability, too."





And then the fight started....





******************************************


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my school reunion,

and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a

nearby table.





My wife asked, "Do you know her?"





"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I

understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago,

and I hear she hasn't been sober since."





"My God!" says my wife, "who would think a

person could go on celebrating that long?"





And then the fight started....





******************************************


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason

took my order first. "I'll have the steak, medium rare, please."





He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"





"Nah, she can order for herself."





And then the fight started....





******************************************


A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She

was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, "I feel

horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a

compliment."





The husband replied, "Your eyesight's damn near

perfect."





And then the fight started

















​










 
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and **** all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!
 
A joke on your brain...

The brain sees what it expects to see. This face rotates clockwise the entire time. Or does it? What do you see on the back side of this hollow mask?

 
That enplanes congress, they refuse to see reality.
 
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

(see the kind of stuff my sister emails me)

 
"If we went into the funeral business, people would stop dying."



> These are fun:
>
>
>
>
>
> Unforgettable Quotes from Airlines' CEO's and Their Friends
>
>
>
>
>
>>From the CEO of Western Airlines, Terrill Drinkwater, who responded when
> asked if Western was going to purchase jet aircraft: "Buying a B 707 for
> Western would be like buying the Queen Mary to cross Lake Tahoe."
>
> --------------------------------------
>
> Once you get hooked on the airline business, it's worse than dope.
>
>
>
> - Ed Acker, while Chairman of Air Florida
> ----------------------------
> These days no one can make money on the ******n airline business. The
> economics represent sheer hell.
>
>
>
> - C. R. Smith, President of American Airlines.
> ---------------------------
> A recession is when you have to tighten your belt; depression is when
> you have no belt to tighten. When you've lost your trousers - you're
> in the airline business.
>
>
>
> - Sir Adam Thomson
> ----------------------------
> If the Wright brother were alive today Wilbur would have to fire
> Orville to reduce costs.
>
>
>
> - Herb Kelleher, Southwest Airlines, ' USA Today,' 8 June 1994
> ----------------------------
> This is a nasty, rotten business.
>
>
>
> - Robert L. Crandall, CEO & President of American Airlines.
> ---------------------------
> The thing I miss about Air Force One is they don't lose my luggage.
>
>
>
> - President George Bush Sr.
> ----------------------------
> You f*cking academic eggheads! You don't know sh*t. You can't
> deregulate this industry. You're going to wreck it. You don't know a
> ******n thing!
>
>
>
> - Robert L. Crandall, CEO American Airlines, addressing a Senate
> lawyer prior to airline deregulation, 1977.
> -----------------------------
> No one expects Braniff to go broke. No major U.S. carrier ever has.
>
>
>
> - The Wall Street Journal, 30 July 1980.
> -----------------------------
> If we went into the funeral business, people would stop dying.
>
>
>
> - Martin R. Shugrue, Vice-chairman Pan Am.
> ------------------------------
> Ladies and gentleman, this is your captain speaking. We have a small
> problem. All four engines have stopped. We are doing our damnedest to
> get them going again. I trust you are not in too much distress.
>
>
>
> - Captain Eric Moody, British Airways, passenger PA after flying
> through volcanic ash in a B-747.
> -------------------------------
> The greatest sin of airline management of the last 22 years is to
> say, "It's all labor's fault."
>
>
>
> - Donald Carty, Chairman and CEO American Airlines, 12 August 2002.
> --------------------------------
> If the pilots were in charge, Columbus would still be in port. They
> believe the assertion that the world is flat.
>
>
>
> - Robert L. Crandall, 1993.
> -------------------------------
> Think and act big and grow smaller, or think and act small and grow
> bigger.
>
>
>
> - Herb Kelleher
> --------------------------------
> That place runs on Herb Kelleher's bullsh*t.
>
>
>
> - Robert W. Baker, VP American Airlines, regards Southwest Airlines.
> --------------------------------
> There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
> Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
>
>
>
> - Henry Kissinger
> --------------------------------
> There are only two emotions in a plane: boredom and terror.
>
>
>
> - Orson Welles, interview to celebrate his 70th birthday, 'The
> Times,' 6 May 1985.
> -----------------------------------
> To me, an airplane is a great place to diet.
>
>
>
> - Wolfgang Puck
> ------------------------------------
> Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport
> photo.
>
>
>
> - Vice President Albert Gore.
> -------------------------------------
> I mean, they get paid an awful lot of money. The only good thing
> about them is they can't work after they're 60.
>
>
>
> - Judge Prudence Carter Beatty, New York Southern District Bankruptcy
> Court, regards Delta Air Lines pilots. Reported in The Wall Street
> Journal, 18 November 2005
 
Widdle Wabbit calm down, that's his FOOT

A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks,in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"


As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"


She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."
 

Discovery Announcement ~ The densest element in the known Universe has been found!

cid:1.3621711061@web35606.mail.mud.yahoo.com

Pelosium:

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet known to science. The new element has been named Pelosium. Pelosium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 311.

These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
The symbol of Pelosium is PU.

Pelosium's mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements in the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons within the Pelosium molecule, leading to the formation of isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientist to believe that Pelosium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as Critical Morass.

When catalyzed with money, Pelosium activates CNNadnausium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons as Pelosium.






 
Three churches - Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian - worked together to sponsor a community-wide revival.

After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained 4 new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained 6 new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well we did even better than that! We got rid of our 10 biggest troublemakers!"
 
etsisk said:
uh huh... so I see posting going on, and laughing going on, but I don't see explaining going on - you nerds want to clue the rest of us in? :) Please? :rolleyes:
Click to expand...
Sometimes programmers get too specific. As any programmer knows, there is no way to generate a TRULY random number programmatically because it is always derived algorithymically.

In this case, the requirement was to generate a truly random number, which the programmer did by throwing dice that are fair, then he wrote the code so that the random number generator would always return this truly random number (4).

Unfortunately, following the specified requirement defeats the intended requirement.

:rofl: Yes, I know, if you have to explain it, there really isn't any point.
 
Last edited:
Matthew said:
Me too.

I've actually seen real code that looks like that:

GetAverageReadings()
{
reading1 = ReadInput();
reading2 = ReadInput();
reading3 = ReadInput();

return reading3;
}
Click to expand...

I have seen real code for a piece of automated test equipment that
would correctly run dozens of tests and then always return
"unit passed"
 
I want to marry a nice, sweet girl who just completed her prison sentence for abandoning her illegitimate kid. My problem is, my dad sells drugs, my mother died in an asylum of syphilitic insanity, my two sisters are hookers and my older brother is awaiting trial for killing his girlfriend's husband. My younger brother is a U.S. congressman. Should I tell my future bride the awful truth about my younger brother?
 
A Cow Story

The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk.

The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply.

They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they ' d never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow, but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his
advice.

"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward," they said. "When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the
other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales ?"

The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales.

"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Wales ?"

The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye,








"My wife is from Wales."
 
Re: A Cow Story

DISNEYLAND​
Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.









FLORIDA OR MOON​
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'




CAR
TROUBLE




A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.




She says, 'What's the story?'




He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'




She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'




SPEEDING
TICKET




A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.




She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'




RIVER
WALK




There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'




The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'




AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE




A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.




'Impossible!' says the doctor... 'Show me.'




The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.




The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?




'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'




'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'




KNITTING




A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!




Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'




'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'




BLONDE ON THE SUN




A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day..




The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'




The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'




The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.




'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.




To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'




IN A VACUUM




A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'




FINALLY,
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!




A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'!















​
 
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up.

He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, ''I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I assumed you had stolen the car.''

Priceless.
 
A man boarded a plane with six kids.
(gutsy guy!)
After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours ? "

He replied, " No. I work for a condom company.

These are customer complaints. "



I WISH I COULD THINK THAT QUICKLY!
 
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
 
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