Friends with benefits

Sac Arrow

Sac Arrow

Touchdown! Greaser!
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May 11, 2010
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Snorting his way across the USA
I know this thread will probably get locked. It is what it is. Is it something we can talk about without getting to engrossed in religious and moral norms?

I'm not going to share a story. I'm just asking the question.

The responses of course will vary all over the board, to, 'He/she is a heathen and condemned to hell' to 'Yeah I did that in the playground during recess.'

Bad thing? Good thing? Wish you had one? Evil? Satanic?
 
Jane you ignorant slut......:D

btw.....my I recommend a good book?... "Sinners in the hands of an angry god"
 
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Definitely an important topic.
I have one of these.
My gal gets social security benefits soon, and I'm going to really enjoy that!
 
I don’t think my wife would approve.

On a serious note though I think the main issue is that one person inevitably wants it to be more and will get hurt.
 
I prefer this over having to pay for it. not that I've done that. because I haven't.
 
Is that faux pas? Paying by check?
 
eman1200 said:
who was the famous dude who paid for a hooker with a check?
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Dumber than that, we had a governor that paid to bring one across state lines, which is apparently a violation of federal law. More unbelievably, we've had worse since then.

Back to OP - it's rare, but possible. Key thing is each having an ability to be independent, both financially and emotionally.
 
Those are the best kind of friends. Especially the ones who let you fly their airplanes!
 
Who cares? Let adults do what adults want to do. As long as it’s consensual what does it matter?

And to the “it’s inevitable that one will want more” way to infantalize adults. Such a problem only comes about if people aren’t honest about their desires. Be honest, come to a consensus whether what you want is consistent, and if so go for it, be that a relationship, FWB, or a platonic friendship.
 
AKiss20 said:
Who cares? Let adults do what adults want to do. As long as it’s consensual what does it matter?

And to the “it’s inevitable that one will want more” way to infantalize adults. Such a problem only comes about if people aren’t honest about their desires. Be honest, come to a consensus whether what you want is consistent, and if so go for it, be that a relationship, FWB, or a platonic friendship.
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Yeah, who cares if someone's SO is cheating. Oh, I don't know maybe the person being cheated on might care. As to the second point, desires change. Every single person I've known thats had a FWB relationship, at least one of the parties has always changed their stance on how they felt about the other person. Always.
 
EdFred said:
Yeah, who cares if someone's SO is cheating. Oh, I don't know maybe the person being cheated on might care. As to the second point, desires change. Every single person I've known thats had a FWB relationship, at least one of the parties has always changed their stance on how they felt about the other person. Always.
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Who said anything about cheating?
 
EdFred said:
Yeah, who cares if someone's SO is cheating. Oh, I don't know maybe the person being cheated on might care. As to the second point, desires change. Every single person I've known thats had a FWB relationship, at least one of the parties has always changed their stance on how they felt about the other person. Always.
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Completely ignored the second half of my post, using only your own anecdotes, and making a strawman argument all in one post. Cool. My point was why should anyone care about activities that are consensual between all parties. A side FWB in a non-open relationship is not consensual between all parties. The original question was about FWB, not cheating on one's partner with a FWB (or cheating at all) which inherently involves non-consent from one of the involved parties.

And even then, it's none of my business if someone is cheating on on their partner. Is it an unethical decision? Yes, almost certainly. If I found out one of my friends was cheating on their partner, would I most likely end my friendship with them? Yes. Doesn't mean it should be illegal, but again the original question was never about cheating, only FWB. You pulled a complete strawman out of the hat and went for it.

I have had a somewhat short period FWB, but it wasn't really my style, so it stopped amicably. I have had many friends with a FWB, sometimes multiple, without any issues. Maybe we are just more honest and self-aware about our desires than the people you know.
 
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I happen to think it's morally wrong, but it also tends to turn out poorly eventually. No personal experience, but having watched this happen to girls I knew in college, I think in "relationships" like that, the guys tend to come out on top. The girls usually agree to that status because they like the guy or are crushing on him, and for some stupid reason think that having sex with the guy will make him want to turn her into his girlfriend. Pretty soon, the guy finds a girl that actually attracts him and makes her his girlfriend, and the "friend with benefits" ends up super messed up emotionally. Just to make it clear, I'm not blaming the guy, because it is always the girl's own fault for agreeing to a relationship that has only an infinitesimally small chance of working out the way she is hoping it will.

AKiss20 said:
And to the “it’s inevitable that one will want more” way to infantalize adults. Such a problem only comes about if people aren’t honest about their desires. Be honest, come to a consensus whether what you want is consistent, and if so go for it, be that a relationship, FWB, or a platonic friendship.
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I don't think the "one will inevitably want more" argument is infantilizing adults. It's the honest truth, and the one who wants more is usually the woman. Assuming she hasn't had sex with a whole bunch of guys before, when she has sex, she creates bonding hormones with the man. Those bonding hormones make her want to have a relationship with the man, and the longer she has sex with the same guy, the stronger that desire gets. A woman can go into a friends with benefits situation with no desire for anything other than the occasional sleepover, and end up wanting the guy to marry her. Even if she tells the guy that, it helps absolutely nothing if he doesn't want to marry her. How can you "come to a consensus" if the guy doesn't have feelings for her and wants to continue on as things are and the woman has feelings for him and wants to get married?
 
Sac Arrow said:
I know this thread will probably get locked. It is what it is. Is it something we can talk about without getting to engrossed in religious and moral norms?

I'm not going to share a story. I'm just asking the question.

The responses of course will vary all over the board, to, 'He/she is a heathen and condemned to hell' to 'Yeah I did that in the playground during recess.'

Bad thing? Good thing? Wish you had one? Evil? Satanic?
Click to expand...
I thought you were going to say you have a friend that lets you fly their plane anytime you want to :)
 
I guess if we want to make up our own definitions to words, and then say, well "what I really meant was..." we can then claim any statement is a strawman. I will keep that in mind for future reference. It's a good trick to keep in one's back pocket.

And I completely addressed the second point. People's desires change, therefore feelings can and do change.
 
EdFred said:
I guess if we want to make up our own definitions to words, and then say, well "what I really meant was..." we can then claim any statement is a strawman. I will keep that in mind for future reference. It's a good trick to keep in one's back pocket.

And I completely addressed the second point. People's desires change, therefore feelings can and do change.
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A strawman is making an addressing an argument that was never made in the first place. The topic of cheating was not introduced until you made an argument against it. You claimed that my argument was made to support cheating, when it never was because my argument was addressing the actual question posed, which was not about cheating. That is a textbook strawman argument.
 
SkyChaser said:
I don't think the "one will inevitably want more" argument is infantilizing adults. It's the honest truth, and the one who wants more is usually the woman. Assuming she hasn't had sex with a whole bunch of guys before, when she has sex, she creates bonding hormones with the man. Those bonding hormones make her want to have a relationship with the man, and the longer she has sex with the same guy, the stronger that desire gets. A woman can go into a friends with benefits situation with no desire for anything other than the occasional sleepover, and end up wanting the guy to marry her. Even if she tells the guy that, it helps absolutely nothing if he doesn't want to marry her. How can you "come to a consensus" if the guy doesn't have feelings for her and wants to continue on as things are and the woman has feelings for him and wants to get married?
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You are literally infantilizing people right now, most notably women (some nice casual sexism there by the way), by saying they can't truly know what they feel or desire and therefore shouldn't have full agency over their sex lives.

The consensus that can be reached in that situation is "our desires have evolved and are no longer compatible with our current relationship, therefore we should move towards a state of relationship that is compatible with both, be that a platonic friendship or no friendship whatsoever." Desires can change, and if they do, be honest with one another and adjust. That may or may not result in someone getting hurt emotionally. Desires can also change and individuals can get hurt in platonic friendships as well, is that an argument against ever having a platonic friendship? I don't think so. If you want to make the argument that people should never be in a platonic friendship with anyone that it is conceivable that they may one day want a relationship with (i.e. of the gender identity that the person is attracted to), feel free to make it, but I don't think it's a very compelling one.
 
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AKiss20 said:
As long as it’s consensual what does it matter?
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You asked why it should matter.

Party A agreeing to bang Party B has nothing to do with party C in regards to consent between A and B.

You asked why it should matter. I pointed out why it could, then you didn't like the answer so claimed it was a strawman. And I never said you supported cheating. Talk about strawmans.
 
AKiss20 said:
You are literally infantilizing people right now, most notably women (some nice casual sexism there by the way), by saying they can't truly know what they feel or desire and therefore shouldn't have full agency over their sex lives.
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I don't think she said that at all. And I think what she said makes sense. You need to read it again, she clearly states she thinks women who do this know what they are doing. But at the end of the day I still haven't figured out how women think after being married to one for almost 40 years. I've given up trying, and I definitely wouldn't take one to task like you did for speaking so candidly.
 
EdFred said:
You asked why it should matter.

Party A agreeing to bang Party B has nothing to do with party C in regards to consent between A and B.

You asked why it should matter. I pointed out why it could, then you didn't like the answer so claimed it was a strawman. And I never said you supported cheating. Talk about strawmans.
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Okay we can agree that cheating, I.e. non-consent from any party (notice how in my original post I said “let adults do what adults want to as long as it’s consensual” adults is plural which means at least but also more than. 2) is bad.
 
AKiss20 said:
You are literally infantilizing people right now, most notably women (some nice casual sexism there by the way), by saying they can't truly know what they feel or desire and therefore shouldn't have full agency over their sex lives.

The consensus that can be reached in that situation is "our desires have evolved and are no longer compatible with our current relationship, therefore we should move towards a state of relationship that is compatible with both, be that a platonic friendship or no friendship whatsoever." Desires can change, and if they do, be honest with one another and adjust. That may or may not result in someone getting hurt emotionally. Desires can also change and individuals can get hurt in platonic friendships as well, is that an argument against ever having a platonic friendship? I don't think so. If you want to make the argument that people should never be in a platonic friendship with anyone that it is conceivable that they may one day want a relationship with (i.e. of the gender identity that the person is attracted to), feel free to make it, but I don't think it's a very compelling one.
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Would it help you to know that I am speaking of women AS A WOMAN? I am not infantilizing the female sex, I am telling you what biologically happens AS A WOMAN when we engage in relationships and sex. If I was arguing that women shouldn't be allowed to be in a friends with benefits relationship, as in, it was illegal or something because they might get emotionally hurt, that would be approaching the level of infantilizing women. Saying that it is a poor decision at least most of the time for women to decide to engage in sex without a committed relationship is me admitting the limitations of my sex. We as women need a committed relationship to balance out the emotional investment we biologically make that comes with the physical act of sex with another person. I'm sorry if that offends you, but that's just reality.

I don't think that people should avoid things just because they might get hurt, but I do think that people should think about the chances of something going wrong before they engage in activities, whether that is flying a plane or engaging in a relationship of any kind. There's a level of hurt that comes with everything. I'm not denying that. But deciding, as a woman, to engage in a relationship where there is physical intimacy with no emotional commitment or security is a very risky proposition, mentally, physically, and emotionally. That's all I'm trying to say.
 
I can’t resist. I have determined that at my advanced age, being upright, single, semi intelligent and able to drive means everything relationship wise. If a person of the opposite sex and similar age doesn’t understand what kind of relationship he or she wants and so states, they best be avoided. Works for me.

Cheers
 
AKiss20 said:
Okay we can agree that cheating, I.e. non-consent from any party (notice how in my original post I said “let adults do what adults want to as long as it’s consensual” adults is plural which means at least but also more than. 2) is bad.
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Yeah, cheating is no bueno. But the interaction between A and B is between A and B and only A and B. But it probably will matter to C if A and C have some sort of other, independent agreement apart from A and B. And in that case it matters. For party D who is just watching from afar it doesn't matter at all, that we can probably agree on.
 
SoonerAviator said:
Heck yeah! Those Ford minivans were a blast. How high was the jump? What color was it? :D
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I’m confused. I thought a friend with benefits would love me in my Chevy van, and that’s all right by me...

(Took me a while to figure out “benefits” wasn’t talking about medical and dental coverage. Been arranging SWMBO’s Medicare coverage this week.)
 
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