Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.


5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill inside end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10) Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12) Call fire department to retrieve the f------ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13) Tie the little b**tard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15) Arrange for ASPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell" and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL:

1) Wrap it in cheese.
 
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15) Arrange for ASPCA to collect "mutant cat from hell
My brother and his wife had that very cat. Fought with it for years. Took the two of them to get a pill into the SOB even after wrapping the cat in a towel. So, I was over one day and, being the smart ass that I am, I proclaimed it was easy. "Just toss the pill on the floor and the cat will eat it." So I rolled the pill across the floor, the cat was off in a flash, caught it and swallowed. A real "WTF just happened" moment.
 
My brother and his wife had that very cat. Fought with it for years. Took the two of them to get a pill into the SOB even after wrapping the cat in a towel. So, I was over one day and, being the smart ass that I am, I proclaimed it was easy. "Just toss the pill on the floor and the cat will eat it." So I rolled the pill across the floor, the cat was off in a flash, caught it and swallowed. A real "WTF just happened" moment.
Now that "before and after" would have made a very popular YouTube video
 
There are more Catholic churches in Las Vegas than Casinos!

Not surprisingly, a not insignificant portion of each Sunday's collection comes in the form of casino chips from the various gambling establishments around town. In order to facilitate their collection and redemption for cash the various churches have enlisted the services of a Franciscan Monastery which each Sunday sends members of the order around collecting the chips from the various churches. During the week they sort the chips, cash them in at the various casinos and then redistribute the appropriate money to the various churches. Saves a lot of work for the individual parishes, the Franciscans take a little skim and everyone is happy.


The Franciscans doing this work are known as chip monks.
 
There are more Catholic churches in Las Vegas than Casinos!

Not surprisingly, a not insignificant portion of each Sunday's collection comes in the form of casino chips from the various gambling establishments around town. In order to facilitate their collection and redemption for cash the various churches have enlisted the services of a Franciscan Monastery which each Sunday sends members of the order around collecting the chips from the various churches. During the week they sort the chips, cash them in at the various casinos and then redistribute the appropriate money to the various churches. Saves a lot of work for the individual parishes, the Franciscans take a little skim and everyone is happy.


The Franciscans doing this work are known as chip monks.


ATTENTION MC:
This forum needs a "Groan" button.
 
I dunno - I'd probably at least try it out. It sounds like his primary complaint was that it doesn't fit well and he was self conscious. But I very much like the idea of a clear view of soemone's face and vice versa.

But it's not worth $200 to try out.
 
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