Add to this story There I was at 13,000' - one engine feathered . . .

I also took a moment of silence in memory of Art Scholl. Then, back to the business at hand.

but then I remembered...like Art, I had a camera mounted on the tail. Not a heavy movie camera, just my GoPro. I had snuck out onto the ramp and attached it to the tail with bubble gum so I wouldn’t violate any regs. That might just do the trick!
 
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Swiveling the GoPro opposite the direction of the spin immediately broke the spin. Feeling a rumble in my bowels from the White Castle dinner, a huge blast of lighter than air gas exited my rear and ballooned the plane up 5000 feet.
 
Hold on...what kind of piece of **** aircraft loses 2000fpm on one engine that you'd be flying it over the North Sea?
 
EdFred said:
Hold on...what kind of piece of **** aircraft loses 2000fpm on one engine that you'd be flying it over the North Sea?
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Deelee said:
I knew I was fully proficient to take the left seat and guide the A320 safely
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apparently there was more damage to the airplane than they were telling me about. I had to find a way to get the straight poop...and after the White Castle, I knew there would be no straight poop coming from me for at least 24 hours.
 
my next concern turned to uneven heating of the wings. I recalled a video that showed how to get out of that situation but at this altitude I can't get youtube. what do?
 
Checking the altimeter and the VSI, I realized my SI for narcolepsy would run out before the altitude ran out. I keyed the mic to ask ATC to make an emergency call to Dr. Bruce for a rush job, but only yawned. I was getting so sleepy...
 
And then I realized, we were hauling bubble wrap. Bubble wrap is a poor substitute for air bags, but it is better than nothing. The F/O retrieved the shock absorbing petroleum product and we wrapped ourselves in it. The bubble wrap gave me a new sense of confidence and I was in the zone.
 
It suddenly dawned on me to check the survival kit. I asked for help in inventorying the contents...
 
Gulfsteam Girl removed her head from in between my knees and handed me a multi-tool I kept in my Brightline Flex Fight Bag. I knew spending $400 on a bag with a dozen different compartments would come in handy. I used the pliers to pull the fuse on the auto-pilot, rather than hitting the AP disconnect button. "I'm hand flying this now. Lets see how much altitude we can get" I pitched the nose up in a sharp 45* climb. "Wow look at that, over 3000 feet per minute". I started hearing a buzzing noise that hearkened back to my training days in the old Cezzna. The controls were feeling mushy and unresponsive. Had I been paying attention I would have noticed I was also banked over 45* to the right. "Jerry! What are you doing?" My wife yelled at me from the back."Put the Autopilot back on" she said. "Shut up *****, sterile cockpit"
She's not a pilot, she has no idea.
 
I immediately regretted speaking to my wife like that, and longed for a heaping helping of her tuna casserole. However, given our current dire flight characteristics, the severe ramifications her tuna casserole would have had on our W/B made me push that thought deep into the recesses of my mind while my lizard brain continued its battle with the debilitated aircraft. I couldn't help but feel sorry for the many passengers who hatred tuna casserole, especially since it would most likely be either the last meal they ever eat, or better than any scavenged roach and jungle vine fricassee if we happen to survive a landing and make it to a deserted island. Sigh...should NOT have trusted that green fuel we sumped during preflight. Guess it wasn't the new fuel hoses. If only my new Apple watch would tell me what to do...
 
Fortunately, my Apple watch did alert me to the fact that RBG had died. The forum on which I get most of my news has apparently disallowed any mention of current events. Enlightened, I returned to diagnosing the problem with my stricken aircraft.
 
and realized that it probably won't work.
 
then I noticed... all of the gizmos and controls, but not one snow-cone maker.
 
Bob Noel said:
then I noticed... all of the gizmos and controls, but not one snow-cone maker.
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Rather than complain about it, I told the F/O to fire up the grill/BBQ and cook up some RIBs while I Am dealing with this problem. Any kind would do. Alaskan ribs, Canadian ribs, whatever.
 
flhrci said:
Rather than complain about it, I told the F/O to fire up the grill/BBQ and cook up some RIBs while I Am dealing with this problem. Any kind would do. Alaskan ribs, Canadian ribs, whatever.
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but he said no. There's no coleslaw and I don't Q without slaw
 
My mind was racing. I knew there had to be a viable meal plan. Jenny Craig? Martha Stewart? The Swedish chef from the Muppets? Surely there was a way out of this.
 
MauleSkinner said:
My mind was racing. I knew there had to be a viable meal plan. Jenny Craig? Martha Stewart? The Swedish chef from the Muppets? Surely there was a way out of this.
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But I didn’t think I could fit any of them in the galley oven. Maybe the muppet, but I thought he’d taste like mutton.
 
And Martha, well, she’s old, tough, and bitter. The ankle bracelet would be a whole separate problem.
 
Suddenly I realized the real problem is I was "behind the airplane". I assumed the lotus position (I never learned to use the rudders during my training anyway) and cleared my mind, then began to focus on thinking well ahead of the current situation. A small voice in my head started to repeat over and over..."Don't call clear of the runway until you're over the hold short line".
 
GRG55 said:
Suddenly I realized the real problem is I was "behind the airplane". I assumed the lotus position (I never learned to use the rudders during my training anyway) and cleared my mind, then began to focus on thinking well ahead of the current situation. A small voice in my head started to repeat over and over..."Don't call clear of the runway until you're over the hold short line".
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But I really should make the call "Any Aircraft in the Pattern, Please advise..." once I am 10 miles out. But, that's way ahead of things.
 
Let me evaluate the situation:
Engines 1 &2 on fire. AH shows a 97 degree bank. We're either climbing or descending at an alarming rate; I am having trouble understanding the trend tapes on the panel. Right wing may be missing.

I got this.

Well, drat-and-a-half!!!! Where did Microsoft put the reset button on this version???!
 
Ken Whitson said:
Let me evaluate the situation:
Engines 1 &2 on fire. AH shows a 97 degree bank. We're either climbing or descending at an alarming rate; I am having trouble understanding the trend tapes on the panel. Right wing may be missing.

I got this.

Well, drat-and-a-half!!!! Where did Microsoft put the reset button on this version???!
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And then I remembered. I had the Monkey. Kath had handed him off to me last week. A sense of calm enveloped me. The Gods will not let the Monkey die like this! I decided to try one more start on number 2.........
 
X3 Skier said:
Swiveling the GoPro opposite the direction of the spin immediately broke the spin. Feeling a rumble in my bowels from the White Castle dinner, a huge blast of lighter than air gas exited my rear and ballooned the plane up 5000 feet.
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You are a smart feller to use that evasive maneuver
But I am a fart smeller and was able to track you all the way
 
luvflyin said:
And then I remembered. I had the Monkey. Kath had handed him off to me last week. A sense of calm enveloped me. The Gods will not let the Monkey die like this! I decided to try one more start on number 2.........
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Problem was, #2 started. And not a bathroom in sight.
 
I'll wait while you google that
 
Suddenly ATC came on line telling me to leave the Bravo because the controller hadn’t cleared me to enter. But, is there a Bravo airspace in the North Sea? I relaxed as I realized I had toggled the ATC Live site and was listening to the Arrogant Pilot argument with Las Vegas approach.
 
I was down to my last option. So I chugged a quart of minty fresh MMO. Unsurprisingly...
 
kyleb said:
I was down to my last option. So I chugged a quart of minty fresh MMO. Unsurprisingly...
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...my next urine sample report came back with the notation "No evident corrosion"...
 
I've never seen anything like it. The screens was completely covered with, well, words fail me.
 
And then came the dreaded red X on all of the screens simultaneously. It is evident no ordinary pilot was going to save this situation, I thought to myself...
 
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