Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Lycosaurus said:
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Love the retractable gear!
 
Half Fast said:
THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC , PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRISOME IN RECENT YEARS.​

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.​

That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.​
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what's this doing in a joke thread?

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My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.
 
A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"
 
This is a collection of funny one-liners, exactly as typed by medical secretaries:

  • Patient has left her white blood cells at another hospital.
  • Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
  • On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
  • The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
  • Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
  • Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
  • While in ER, Eva was examined, x-rated and sent home.
  • Skin: somewhat pale, but present.
  • Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
  • The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of fuel and crashed.
  • Mrs. Evans slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
  • Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Jones, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
  • The patient refused autopsy.
  • The patient has no previous history of suicides.
  • She is numb from her toes down.
  • She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
  • Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
  • Examination of genitalia has revealed that he is circus-sized.
  • Patient was found in bed with her power mower.
  • She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was hot in bed last night.
 
The engineer's wife

A wife asks her husband, an engineer, "Darling, can you please go to the shop buy one pint of milk and if they have eggs, get a dozen!"

Off he goes. Half an hour later the husband returns with 12 pints of milk.

His wife stares at him and asks, "Why on earth did you get 12 pints of milk?"

"Well… they had eggs" he replied.
 
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“The trick is to stop thinking of it as ‘your’ money." – IRS auditor
 
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