Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

Warren goes into a pub and seats himself on a stool. The barman looks at him and says, “What’ll it be mate?”



Warren says, “Set me up with eight tequila shots and make them doubles.”



The barman does this and watches the guy slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all eight are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the barman asks why he’s doing all this drinking.



“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”



The barman hurriedly asks, “What do you have mate?”



Warren quickly replies, “I have one dollar.”
 
A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”


“What’s the problem?” the therapist enquired.


“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”


“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”


The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.


“Did my advice not work?” asked the therapist.


“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”


“So, what’s your problem?”


“I don’t have a problem” the man replied. “My wife does.”
 
Warren goes into a pub and seats himself on a stool. The barman looks at him and says, “What’ll it be mate?”


Warren says, “Set me up with eight tequila shots and make them doubles.”


The barman does this and watches the guy slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all eight are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the barman asks why he’s doing all this drinking.


“You’d drink them this fast too if you had what I have.”


The barman hurriedly asks, “What do you have mate?”


Warren quickly replies, “I have one dollar.”
 
A man walked into a therapist’s office looking very depressed. “Doc, you’ve got to help me. I can’t go on like this.”


“What’s the problem?” the therapist enquired.


“Well, I’m 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.”


“My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you’ll have women buzzing all around you.”


The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.


“Did my advice not work?” asked the therapist.


“It worked alright. For the past several weeks I’ve enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.”


“So, what’s your problem?”


“I don’t have a problem” the man replied. “My wife does.”
 
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Walter took his wife Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went to the fair, and Walter said to Ethel, "Ethel, you know I'm 87 years old now. If I don't ride that helicopter this year, I may never get another chance." Once again Ethel replied, "Walter, you know that helicopter is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

This time the helicopter pilot overheard the couple's conversation and said, "Listen folks, I'll make a deal with you. I'll take both of you for a ride; if you can both stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word I won't charge you! But if you say just one word, it's 50 dollars."

Walter and Ethel agreed and up they went in the helicopter. The pilot performed all kinds of fancy moves and tricks, but not a word was said by either Walter or Ethel. The pilot did his death-defying tricks over and over again, but still there wasn't so much as one word said. When they finally landed, the pilot turned to Walter and said, "Wow! I've got to hand it to you. I did everything I could to get you to scream or shout out, but you didn't. I'm really impressed!"

Walter replied, "Well to be honest I almost said something when Ethel fell out but, you know, 50 dollars is 50 dollars!"
 
JScarry said:
@mscard88 You could have stopped the story at Ted Nugent. A pants poopin, draft evader, ammosexual is funnier than the rest of the joke.
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You wouldn't be referring to the only person on the entire planet that didn't know the song "Journey to the center of the mind" was about drugs, would you?
 
ironnerd said:
I saw a car parked in a handicap spot yesterday, and was pretty annoyed that they did not have a handicap tag. Then I realized the plate was from Texas, and figured..."Close enough".

And you know what they call the guy who finishes last in his class at Law School? A lawyer.
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Worse - what do you call a guy who finished last at medical school. Doctor.
 
A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.


One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young
to die!"

Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on
earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate
woman in the front of the plane. Then a man from Australian Outback stood up in the rear of the plane.

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel
eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt
one button at a time.

No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...

Then, he spoke...

'Iron this -- and then get me a beer'
 
A group of golfing buddies, all in their 40's, discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because it wasn't far from the course,
the waitresses were young, good looking, showed lots of cleavage and wore short-shorts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the golfing buddies once again discussed where they should
meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the food
and service was good, they had many televisions to watch the games on, and the beer
selection was excellent.

Ten years later, at age 60, the gang again discussed where they should meet for lunch.
Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because there was plenty of parking,
they could dine in peace, and it was good value for the money.

Ten years later, at age 70, they discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was
agreed that they would meet at Hooters because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible
and had a toilet for the disabled.

Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally
it was agreed that they would meet at Hooters because they had never been there before.
 
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a our hospital.
While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
Good question noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."
Oh, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases?" "What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
Ah, yes, replied the CFO, realizing that the auditor was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster."
I see, replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. "Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the CFO.
"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.”
 
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at nearby pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her. Then she beat the **** out of me....

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.
 
mscard88 said:
I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at nearby pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk.

'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.' So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her. Then she beat the **** out of me....

Women have always been hard for me to figure out.
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True story, Mark? ;)
 
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car.

As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says,

"Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him.

He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.

Up and down the halls she goes again.

Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says,

"Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross over the center line back there. Can I see your registration please?"

She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him.

He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.

She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over.

As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out.

He's stark naked and has an erection!

The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says,

"Oh no! Not the Breathalyzer again!"
 
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