Lets make Friday 'Joke Day'!

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Matthew said:
Note: Replace the **** with a word that normally would end in "****ty".
Click to expand...

Couldn't get this to work.

Tried:

Acuity, Agouty, Beauty, Blasty, Blotty, Bounty, Bratty, Cavity, Cecity, Chanty, Chatty, Cherty, Chesty, Chitty, Clotty, Comity, County, Crafty, Crusty, Dainty, Deputy, Dimity, Drafty, Drifty, Eighty, Enmity, Entity, Equity, Faulty, Fealty, Feisty, Ferity, Fixity, Flinty, Flirty, Floaty, Fretty, Frosty, Fruity, Gaiety, Gayety, Ghosty, Gleety, Glinty, Gnatty, Gritty, Grotty, Grouty, Guilty, Hearty, Jaunty, Knotty, Laxity, Lealty, Lenity, Levity, Mighty, Moiety, Nicety, Nighty, Ninety, Nudity, Oddity, Painty, Parity, Pigsty, Plenty, Plotty, Pointy, Polity, Pretty, Purity, Qwerty, Rarity, Realty, Righty, Safety, Sanity, Scanty, Scatty, Shanty, Shelty, Shifty, Shirty, Shorty, Slanty, Sleety, Slitty, Slutty, Smarty, Smutty, Snooty, Snotty, Snouty, Sporty, Spotty, Surety, Swarty, Sweaty, Thirty, Toasty, Treaty, Trouty, Trusty, Twenty, Twisty, Ubiety, Uppity, Vanity, Vaulty, Vaunty, Verity, Wristy, Yeasty


Any clues?
 
Don't know if this was put in yet, sent to me today:

Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole," said Bob, "But we don't have a ladder."
The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox."
She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.
She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a 'Miss-Know-It-All' woman?" he said. "We need the height and she gave us the length!"


Ray and Bob are still working for the Government
 

Navy Chief goes fishing

The rain had stopped and there was a big puddle in front of the bar
just outside the American Legion Post.

A rumpled old Navy Chief was standing near the edge with a fishing
line in the puddle.

A curious young Marine fighter pilot came over to him and asked what
he was doing.

"Fishing," the old Chief simply said.

"Poor old chief," the Marine officer thought to himself and invited
the old Navy Chief into the bar for a drink.

As he felt he should start a conversation while they were sipping
their spirits, the young jet pilot winked at another pilot and asked
the Chief, "How many have you caught today?"

"You're number 14," the old Chief answered, taking another sip from
his double shot of 12-year-old Scotch, "2 Air Force, 3 Navy and 9
Marines.”
 
A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, she spotted an attractive man standing across the room, alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, “Hello, my name is Carmen.”
He replied, “That is a beautiful name. Is it a family name?”
She answered, “No, as a matter of fact, I gave it to myself. It represents the two things that I enjoy most – cars and men. Therefore, I chose Carmen.” Then she asked, “What’s your name?”
He answered, “B.J. Titsengolf”!!!

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I Just Realized Something:

My dog sleeps about 15 hours a day.

He has his food prepared for him.

His meals are provided at no cost to him.

He visits the Dr. once a year for his checkup and again during the year, if any medical needs arise.

For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.

He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs, but he is not required to do any upkeep.

If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.

He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.

He receives these accommodations absolutely free.

He is living like a king and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.

All of his costs are picked up by others who earn a living.

I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks ~

MY dog is a CONGRESSMAN!!!
 
Just before the Friday night services at Temple, Melvin went to his friend Irving and said, "Irving, I need a favor...I'm ashamed to tell you this, but I'm sleeping with the Rabbi's wife and we have agreed to meet this evening. Can you hold him in Temple for an hour or so after services for me?"

Irving, not very fond of the idea, but being Melvin's lifelong friend, reluctantly agreed.

So, after services, Irving struck up a conversation with the Rabbi asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied.

After some time, the wise Rabbi became suspicious and asked, "Irving what's going on here?...What are you really up to with all this?"

Irving, filled with feelings of guilt and remorse, confessed to the Rabbi, "I'm so sorry Rabbi, but you should know this... my friend Melvin is sleeping with your wife. In fact they are together at this very moment... Melvin asked me to keep you occupied for an hour or so after services."

The wise Rabbi smiled, put a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder, and said, "Irving, if I were you I would hurry home right now...my wife died two years ago."
 
The author of the Argyle Sweater has "Throwaway Thursday", he puts up a cartoon that will never see the newspaper:

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Irish Confession
I went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
Inside I found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses. On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
When the priest came in, I said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."

He replied, "You moron, you're on my side."
 
Last edited:
Sent to me by a friend...

Day-um... harsh...

-----

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant.
So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto, “To fly, to serve”?
The young woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. “Winning the hearts of the world”?
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred he tries again this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. “Going beyond expectations”?
The woman looks at him sternly and says, “What the **** do you want”?

"Aha”, he says,.................. "United Airlines".
 
A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah.

While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked, “I’ll bet the antelope gets away.”

The wife answered, “If that antelope survives this one, I’ll give you sex every day for the rest of your life.”

The deadly chase was recorded.

18 second video.

Click here.....
 
eman1200 said:
what's it like on the outside?
Click to expand...

Wasn't bad. Renewed my CFI with Gleim, finally got my medical, applied for 2nd class and they gave me a 1st class. Haven't figured out why they did that. But it ain't bad on the outside. :rofl:
 
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