Mom’s In the hospital

[Ted]

I am absolutely livid. Why? I found out 2 days later and the only reason I found out was because a rehab facility she’s probably going to called me by accident.

Mother decided and specifically instructed everyone not to call me, because she “didn’t want to bother me”. At least she did tell the hospital I was the emergency decision making contact.

She fell on Sunday on her way to church. Broke a few bones. Will probably make a recovery.

If someone tells you not to call their loved ones when in a hospital, think long and hard about whether there’s a good reason. If there’s not, ignore them and call the loved ones. By not calling me she’s not only panicked me but made it a lot harder for me to react and help her since I’m getting stuff piled on me the day my wife leaves for her 8 day shift.

 

[Matthew]

Ugh. Sorry to hear about that.

 

[Checkout_my_Six]

Sorry Ted....hang in there. She does love you...cause she didn't want you to be disturbed, even though these things are stressful.

Hope she's feeling better soon. <angel>

 

[Ted]

Sorry Ted....hang in there. She does love you...cause she didn't want you to be disturbed, even though these things are stressful.

No, she tries to hide her falls because she’s afraid of losing her freedom and independence. Even though I’ve told her dozens of times that my goal is to keep her independent and living the life she enjoys as long as possible, and it’s impossible for me to help with that if she doesn’t tell me things.

 

[PaulS]

Yeah, some of these medical admins have **** for brains. I hope your mom gets better soon.

 

[Everskyward]

No, she tries to hide her falls because she’s afraid of losing her freedom and independence. Even though I’ve told her dozens of times that my goal is to keep her independent and living the life she enjoys as long as possible, and it’s impossible for me to help with that if she doesn’t tell me things.

Sorry to hear about you mother. My mother was somewhat like this too. She hid things from me, but to be fair, I also hid things from her. She was very stubborn about living on her own and was not pleased when I finally told her it was unsafe for her to live alone and she would need to move to assisted living. She had picked out the place years before, and had even made donations when they were building it. Her name was inscribed in the entryway with all the other donors, but she never thought the day would come when she would need to move in. Let me say that I don't envy you at all, having to deal with this, especially long distance.

 

[MarkH]

If someone tells you not to call their loved ones when in a hospital, think long and hard about whether there’s a good reason. If there’s not, ignore them and call the loved ones. By not calling me she’s not only panicked me but made it a lot harder for me to react and help her since I’m getting stuff piled on me the day my wife leaves for her 8 day shift.

While I don't disagree with this sentiment on a personal level. Having worked at a hospital, I will request that you not get angry with the workers who did not call you. Legally, they can't, if they do they could loose their jobs. If your mom did not specifically give permission to call you, she technically could sue the rehab facility for calling you by mistake. HIPPA laws are not joke (for good reason).

 

[Ted]

While I don't disagree with this sentiment on a personal level. Having worked at a hospital, I will request that you not get angry with the workers who did not call you. Legally, they can't, if they do they could loose their jobs. If your mom did not specifically give permission to call you, she technically could sue the rehab facility for calling you by mistake. HIPPA laws are not joke (for good reason).

I understand that and while I’m annoyed with them I understand there are legal issues. I’m talking personal friends.

The entire church knows she’s in the hospital. Many of them know how to find me and have known me for 30 years. They aren’t legally bound by anything. They chose to listen to her even though they disagreed.

 

[Checkout_my_Six]

So...could you have someone from church look in on her?...or better yet, move in and help her? This event is an "opportunity" for change.

 

[Ted]

So...could you have someone from church look in on her?...or better yet, move in and help her? This event is an "opportunity" for change.

Those are all next steps that I’m thinking about. First is getting her out of the hospital, into rehab, and seeing where that leads her.

 

[sourdough44]

I can relate. My Mom had heart surgery last Friday in MI, early 80’s. I’ve had the bug the recently, looking at my next course of action. All the best.

 

[weilke]

Do you have a conservatorship for her ?

Other than that, if she instructed the hospital they are bound under HIPAA not to disclose her protected healthcare information to anyone.

 

[overdrive148]

My dad is getting up there in age and has issues with breathing. The coronavirus is in CA where he lives and I'm halfway across the US in TX. No stress at all with that one.

Best wishes for your mom to recover!

 

[kyleb]

Getting old is tough, and questionable decision making makes it harder. We've been dealing with this with my father for several years, and my mom before that. Just because you overcame a UTI without seeing a doctor 20 years ago doesn't mean you can get away with it now. Cellulitis? That "minor" skin problem can put you 6' under if you wait long enough. We caught that one just in time.

Our rule (not always well followed) is communicate often, go see the doctor sooner, not later... And if you fall, let us know immediately. ;-)

 

[Tom-D]

We are praying your MoM will be OK.

 

[Ted]

My dad is getting up there in age and has issues with breathing. The coronavirus is in CA where he lives and I'm halfway across the US in TX. No stress at all with that one.

Best wishes for your mom to recover!

My concern right now is that either there’s a coronavirus lockdown that prevents me from going to her, or I get there and a lockdown prevents me from coming home.

 

[PaulS]

Those are all next steps that I’m thinking about. First is getting her out of the hospital, into rehab, and seeing where that leads her.

It's a great opportunity for a life change, have the doctor tell her she can't live at home alone anymore, no if, ands, or buts. Talk to the doctor, they have no problem doing this when the situation is explained to them. If you don't want to go that far, at least get her used to having some services. This is the opportunity, been through it 3 times with 3 different people.

 

[Cap'n Jack]

@Ted DuPuis Sorry to hear this, I hope she recovers.

 

[wsuffa]

I am absolutely livid. Why? I found out 2 days later and the only reason I found out was because a rehab facility she’s probably going to called me by accident.

Mother decided and specifically instructed everyone not to call me, because she “didn’t want to bother me”. At least she did tell the hospital I was the emergency decision making contact.

She fell on Sunday on her way to church. Broke a few bones. Will probably make a recovery.

If someone tells you not to call their loved ones when in a hospital, think long and hard about whether there’s a good reason. If there’s not, ignore them and call the loved ones. By not calling me she’s not only panicked me but made it a lot harder for me to react and help her since I’m getting stuff piled on me the day my wife leaves for her 8 day shift.

Sorry to hear this Ted. We're dealing with a very similar situation but it's the hospital that has been a communication problem. To the point where I'm really close to going over there and reaming the head of case management a new one. Similar cause: a fall and broken bones. But she lives in assisted living.

Here's hoping she recovers quickly and that you get to see her without too much trouble from the virus hysteria.

 

[Ted]

It's a great opportunity for a life change, have the doctor tell her she can't live at home alone anymore, no if, ands, or buts. Talk to the doctor, they have no problem doing this when the situation is explained to them. If you don't want to go that far, at least get her used to having some services. This is the opportunity, been through it 3 times with 3 different people.

I’m not convinced she’s at that point. I’m not trying to rush her into a retirement home. When the time comes I’ll have no problem telling her to her face.

What I told the doctor I wanted help with was telling my mom I’m out to help her and to trust me.

 

[Ted]

Sorry to hear about you mother. My mother was somewhat like this too. She hid things from me, but to be fair, I also hid things from her. She was very stubborn about living on her own and was not pleased when I finally told her it was unsafe for her to live alone and she would need to move to assisted living. She had picked out the place years before, and had even made donations when they were building it. Her name was inscribed in the entryway with all the other donors, but she never thought the day would come when she would need to move in. Let me say that I don't envy you at all, having to deal with this, especially long distance.

Mari, you probably know better than anyone else here what the future has in store for me. Stubborn aging mother, a thousand miles away, only child.

 

[overdrive148]

My concern right now is that either there’s a coronavirus lockdown that prevents me from going to her, or I get there and a lockdown prevents me from coming home.

I was a few days away from booking a trip to visit my parents this summer with the wife and kid when the first case in CA made the news. Now I dont want to bring it to him and can't make it earlier. They have a couple kids they are taking care of in the house. Really hoping they dont bring it to him...

 

[kyleb]

My concern right now is that either there’s a coronavirus lockdown that prevents me from going to her, or I get there and a lockdown prevents me from coming home.

Can you get her released and hire full time at home care for her? You can also get in-home therapy or take her to a therapy center. That would reduce the CV risk. And at her (presumable) age, you really don't want her exposed to it in the hospital.

 

[denverpilot]

Sorry to hear this Ted. Wishing her a good recovery. Ugh.

 

[rtk11]

Wow, really sorry to read this, Ted. Hope your mom makes a quick recovery!

BTW, you should "gift" your mom an iWatch 4. My brother did for my mom so that, when she falls, it alerts him. Sadly it's come in handy a couple times already...

 

[AKBill]

Hope she makes a full recovery.

 

[Briar Rabbit]

Good luck Ted. A friend of mine summed it up pretty well for the two of us when he said as long as he could crawl to the bathroom and drink out of the toilet he was not going to a rest home. I believe that is the sentiment of most males and a few females too. Wanting to be tight with the information of aging is natural.

 

[GMascelli]

Ted,

I hope your mom makes a speedy and full recovery. The alert “watch” or pendant is what we set Marys mom up with, she really took to it and wore it faithfully. That maybe something to consider.

 

[Kenny Phillips]

I am absolutely livid. Why? I found out 2 days later and the only reason I found out was because a rehab facility she’s probably going to called me by accident.

Mother decided and specifically instructed everyone not to call me, because she “didn’t want to bother me”. At least she did tell the hospital I was the emergency decision making contact.

She fell on Sunday on her way to church. Broke a few bones. Will probably make a recovery.

If someone tells you not to call their loved ones when in a hospital, think long and hard about whether there’s a good reason. If there’s not, ignore them and call the loved ones. By not calling me she’s not only panicked me but made it a lot harder for me to react and help her since I’m getting stuff piled on me the day my wife leaves for her 8 day shift.

You have described my mother, exactly. She called us for a ride home after surgery we knew nothing about.
Best wishes to your mother.

 

[Ted]

I want to thank everyone who's reached out with kind words (both publicly and privately). It does mean a lot. Talked to mom this morning and no real new news, sounds like they just have to identify the facility to send her to and then send her there.

BTW, you should "gift" your mom an iWatch 4. My brother did for my mom so that, when she falls, it alerts him. Sadly it's come in handy a couple times already...

I hope your mom makes a speedy and full recovery. The alert “watch” or pendant is what we set Marys mom up with, she really took to it and wore it faithfully. That maybe something to consider.

We got mom one of those pendants with an auto fall detection a few years ago. She ended up returning it about a or two month ago. The problem was that it was too sensitive and there were false alarms almost daily, at least so said mom. She also has no abilities with technology whatsoever, and is struggling with the iPhone 11 that one of her friends roped her into buying a month or so ago. I helped her with setup when she was visiting a few weeks ago, but she still is having trouble with things like actually answering it. Plus she has a watch she's been wearing for about 50 years that is very sentimental to her, so she won't take to a new watch. I've accepted that just is what it is. Fortunately she fell on the way to church and was outdoors.

Right now I'm trying to figure out when I'm going to New York. First we'll get her moved into the rehab and I'll go from there.

 

[wayne]

Dang. Sorry to hear that. Hope she recovers quickly and well.

 

[Tantalum]

Sorry man, I'd be upset too

 

[bnt83]

My grandma is doing stuff like this too. She wants to go see the rest of the family that have located to Pittsburgh and she can't travel by herself anymore. Something tells me this might be the last year of flying home to see her.

 

[Ted]

My grandma is doing stuff like this too. She wants to go see the rest of the family that have located to Pittsburgh and she can't travel by herself anymore. Something tells me this might be the last year of flying home to see her.

I think mom's still got plenty of years left in her.

Of course if she does stupid **** like this then that number will be shorter because she'll hurt herself worse.

 

[Ted]

Well after what feels like all day on the phone with various rehab facilities and the social worker at the hospital (who really was extremely nice, very helpful, and great at communicating with me once she had my contact info), mom is getting transferred to a rehab/nursing facility. There were three options and fortunately we were able to get her into the one that seemed like the best fit.

Because of the Beer Flu (COVID-19), however, there are no visitors into these facilities for the time being, which means that me going to New York does absolutely nothing since I won't be able to see her. Mom also doesn't have a charger with her for her iPhone. Fortunately it's an 11 Max with a very good battery and she was able to borrow a charger yesterday (and will have to borrow another one at rehab, I suppose) but that is an issue.

The good news is that we got things settled and she is on a path for getting treatment to get better, and she's also seeming to be more accepting of my help now. So hopefully that will get the point across that waiting to tell me is not helpful for anyone.

 

[David Megginson]

While I don't disagree with this sentiment on a personal level. Having worked at a hospital, I will request that you not get angry with the workers who did not call you. Legally, they can't, if they do they could loose their jobs. If your mom did not specifically give permission to call you, she technically could sue the rehab facility for calling you by mistake. HIPPA laws are not joke (for good reason).

Exactly. It's an awful situation for the OP, personally, but everyone (including healthcare workers) has to respect privacy. If an elderly person is legally competent to live on their own, sign contracts, etc., then they're legally competent to decide who's allowed to know that they're in the hospital, even if their choice is a bad one (and emotionally devastating for the people who love them).

The same thing applies to parents calling universities trying to get information about their kids' marks, dispute their grades, etc.

 

[JoeSelch]

Mari, you probably know better than anyone else here what the future has in store for me. Stubborn aging mother, a thousand miles away, only child.

Stubborn aging (aged!) mother. Close-ish by. Only child. (Add in aged father, in assisted living, with recent hospitalization.)
Not much of a picnic either ... Currently week 6 of staying at her/their house.

Wishing you and your mom the best, Ted!

 

[bbchien]

Stubborn aging (aged!) mother. Close-ish by. Only child. (Add in aged father, in assisted living, with recent hospitalization.)
Not much of a picnic either ... Currently week 6 of staying at her/their house.

Wishing you and your mom the best, Ted!

Hang in there Ted. Don’t turn into your Mom!

 

[Ted]

Hang in there Ted. Don’t turn into your Mom!

I'm a lot more like my dad than my mom anyway.

Just got off the phone with her. She got transferred to the rehab facility and is in good spirits. She said it's a very nice facility, like the place my grandmother went to (which was very nice) and everybody is helpful and friendly. So that's good.

The visitor ban in effect for beer flu requires an administrator exception. Not surprisingly, everybody wants an exception. Mom has pointed out that "My son is a very good pilot and can fly himself out here away from all the germy people." Of course I have 3 kids going to 2 different schools who spend a lot of time with our babysitter's kids who go to 6 different schools (no overlap with the schools our kids go to). And Laurie is on the airlines back and forth to work. So really, we're probably a pretty high risk household, so visiting a nursing facility is maybe not the best thing for me to be doing right now. I'll probably have a phone call with the administrator and be honest about our situation to see what he says and thinks.

 

[Ted]

everyone (including healthcare workers) has to respect privacy. If an elderly person is legally competent to live on their own, sign contracts, etc., then they're legally competent to decide who's allowed to know that they're in the hospital, even if their choice is a bad one (and emotionally devastating for the people who love them).

That is extremely poor advice.

As I already said, I understand that the healthcare professionals are bound by laws. Those are in place for good reasons, as are the rules about colleges not giving out their grades to parents (however when I was in college mom said "You ARE showing me your grades, or I'm not helping pay for it anymore" - a fair trade).

When you're talking about people who are not legally bound, this gets a lot more complicated. Sure, for a fully functioning, independent adult, respecting the privacy is important. I will agree there and say there are few places where it shouldn't be respected.

When you're talking about someone who's in or approaching the geriatric phase of life (or someone who has underlying medical, specifically mental issues) this is where you need to really think about whether you know the whole picture, and the answer is you probably don't.

I'm not going to go into details about some of my mom's underlying issues, but I am also certain that her friends don't know about most of the more concerning ones that aren't public knowledge. People may be legally living independently and legally allowed to make their own decisions still, but there's a spectrum and at that point in life many (if not most) people are starting to slide further towards the "fewer decisions" category. We ran into this with my grandmother too.

If the next of kin are known to be untrustworthy for some reason (known financial troubles, known money grubbers, criminal status, illicit drug use, or other underlying issues) then yes, you probably don't want to tell them. However those situations are pretty rare.